Hi P, I'm really new to this too with my H BD being mid Feb. My H admitted to OW. I would completely echo what Steve is saying. Lessons I've learned along the way (& still actively learning) are that my H isn't any different than the hundreds of other stories on this forum. I really thought & still want to believe he is but his behaviour is very familiar to others. As such, I'm learning to trust the process. Admittedly, I still get hooked in and that's where people like Steve, DnJ, Kind help reset me. They have the experience and although some messages can feel harsh and I've certainly wanted to kick against them, they gave proved to be right.
Another massive learning for me has been the concept of time. Its all really awful and you just want certainty about when it will end (especially for a control freak like me!) But when you sit down and look at the bigger picture, it ends when it ends and there is nothing we can do to speed that process along. I was certain I wouldn't try and nice him back into loving me but as soon as he uttered those pre ious words "I think I've made a mistake", I was back sleeping with him, offering to cook meals, even offering to do his laundry!! I am shocked at my own behaviour. Its so unlike me & not what I want to be.
It helped me to sit down and write what I want a future relationship to look like, what values I want the oerson to have and what I want our life to be like. I then matched this against H current behaviours & they are poles apart. Detaching is really hard work. It comes and goes for me. When my emotions are really strong either from fear or sadness, I can easily get sucked back in to predicting the future and trying to initiate some certainty. My only words would be to try and notice when this happens & have a little list of what helps. On my list is walking, mindfulness meditation, speaking to my close team of friends, helping D do revision, cooking and cleaning. Different activities work better for different strengths of thoughts.
Most of all, I'm trying to be kind to myself. I'm moving slightly towards an angry stage with H & I think that is probably healthy but also risky to make sure I don't follow those instant urges to tell him how hurtful and cruel he's been. I'm still on the side of standing for now but actually thoughts of a future without him are also creeping in.
Keep posting, the vets on here are amazing. Take my words with a pinch of salt because I am a newbie in the grand scheme of things but they are my reflections on my experience of the first few months. BTW, I asked H to leave our home when he admitted to OW and wanted to continue living home life with us but still see her. This was the best thing I did and released a whole load of pressure overnight. Different strokes for different folks though.
