You may want to consider getting a custody agreement in place. If he wants D then he needs to see how that looks. You also should consider a consult with a lawyer. It was one of the best things I did in my own situation. And all of this has legalaties you need help on.
Remember two things:
When he wants to come back you will know. When he doesn't you'll be confused.
Also, you cannot nice him back! (We all fell into that trap.)
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I know I can’t nice him back that’s for sure, and not the way I want him back anyway.I want him back because he wants to come back I haven’t gone down lawyers etc just yet, think it’s way too soon considering he doesn’t want to call it final yet. We had a talk two weeks ago and he said he is still So confused with what he wants for himself and doesn’t want to make a decision one way or another yet unless he is certain he doesn’t want to say we are done and regret it, and he also doesn’t want to come back and find he does this again in a few months. I think he is just very emotionally messed up and not in control of his life. It’s a vicious cycle of just work work work with no life balance. So for now I know I need to live in uncertainty, put up my boundaries, read and reread DR and try and implement those and GAL. 😄 I know what I need to do but doing it is the hard part haha. He hasn’t even mentioned or bought up the D word anyway. I think he just needed to breathe and prob felt suffocated by life and family and wife and didn’t know what to do and thought this would make him happy. Is he happy? I doubt it considering he’s still stuck in a work rut and not GaL. Haha he goes nowhere and does nothing for himself It’s actually sad. So sad. 🤷🏼♀️😖 Anyway these board these forums the book all so amazing so far x
M:41 H:48 T:20. M:16.5 BD: 15/12/22 -moved out 17/3/2023
Another thing to remember. Believe nothing he says.
He is confused and saying what he is saying to get that he wants. He wants to have his cake and eat it too. Be off on his own doing what he wants with not responsibilities, and come play house but spending time with his kids and having sex with his wife when that mood strikes him.
Being Plan B is not a fun place to be. Most LBSs endure all of this in the hopes of will make the WAS come back. The problem is that it won't. It just prolongs limbo before the WAS wants to enjoy their new found freedom and eating their cake too for as long as they can. This is why I encourage LBS spouses to say a drop dead date. That if the WAS isn't back and working on the marriage but X date (usually 1 year past BD, but it's really up to when the LBS wants to end the waiting) then the LBS will go for for divorce.
All I can do is share my own experience, and the two best things I did when my wife was in her cake eating mode was to consult with an attorney and to set a drop dead date. It took the scariness out of the divorce process (knowledge is power) and it gave me light at the end of the limbo tunnel.
I'm glad to hear that you don't want him to come back unless HE wants to come back. Now your actions need to match those words.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Wow Steve 😀Thankyou for your advice you are a wealth of knowledge. So very true I completely get he is basically part time getting the best bits without the responsibilities and can reside at night to his own area and do whatever he wants while I hold down the household, listen to kids fighting, organise their school day for the following day, stop the dog chasing the cat and eating out of the litter tray etc. it [censored] it really does. I stopped him having dinner here and def stopped him coming around for games and hanging out at night with us to play board games or whatnot so I guess that’s a good start 😀I’ll get better I promise I didn’t even think of the whole drop dead date. That was December for me. But yes I think that’s reasonable I can’t be in limbo for years I do like that idea. May I ask how did your story end up? I’m so sorry your Wife did that to you.
M:41 H:48 T:20. M:16.5 BD: 15/12/22 -moved out 17/3/2023
Hi P, I'm really new to this too with my H BD being mid Feb. My H admitted to OW. I would completely echo what Steve is saying. Lessons I've learned along the way (& still actively learning) are that my H isn't any different than the hundreds of other stories on this forum. I really thought & still want to believe he is but his behaviour is very familiar to others. As such, I'm learning to trust the process. Admittedly, I still get hooked in and that's where people like Steve, DnJ, Kind help reset me. They have the experience and although some messages can feel harsh and I've certainly wanted to kick against them, they gave proved to be right.
Another massive learning for me has been the concept of time. Its all really awful and you just want certainty about when it will end (especially for a control freak like me!) But when you sit down and look at the bigger picture, it ends when it ends and there is nothing we can do to speed that process along. I was certain I wouldn't try and nice him back into loving me but as soon as he uttered those pre ious words "I think I've made a mistake", I was back sleeping with him, offering to cook meals, even offering to do his laundry!! I am shocked at my own behaviour. Its so unlike me & not what I want to be.
It helped me to sit down and write what I want a future relationship to look like, what values I want the oerson to have and what I want our life to be like. I then matched this against H current behaviours & they are poles apart. Detaching is really hard work. It comes and goes for me. When my emotions are really strong either from fear or sadness, I can easily get sucked back in to predicting the future and trying to initiate some certainty. My only words would be to try and notice when this happens & have a little list of what helps. On my list is walking, mindfulness meditation, speaking to my close team of friends, helping D do revision, cooking and cleaning. Different activities work better for different strengths of thoughts.
Most of all, I'm trying to be kind to myself. I'm moving slightly towards an angry stage with H & I think that is probably healthy but also risky to make sure I don't follow those instant urges to tell him how hurtful and cruel he's been. I'm still on the side of standing for now but actually thoughts of a future without him are also creeping in.
Keep posting, the vets on here are amazing. Take my words with a pinch of salt because I am a newbie in the grand scheme of things but they are my reflections on my experience of the first few months. BTW, I asked H to leave our home when he admitted to OW and wanted to continue living home life with us but still see her. This was the best thing I did and released a whole load of pressure overnight. Different strokes for different folks though.
Thankyou so much MA. Much appreciated and honestly I am reading Eve try thing and taking everything on board. And of course kicking myself when I muck up. But I’m on here morning and night and reading older threads and re-reading Sandi’s rules and just trying to drum it in through my loved up head 😀😀. And thank goodness for the folk in this forum that have walked this path and their brutal honesty. I am venting on here but I need to be held accountable for when my dumb brain gets all schmoopy and think I need to love my way back to reconcile. There’s been some huge positives already for me even just in the month apart. As angry as I get that he gets this freedom in the evenings and overnight while im holding down the fort, it’s been actually great to not have to have the nights of being lonely because he would rather shoot zombies online while drinking beer. At least now I’m expecting the loneliness 😀😂. And it’s actually quite relaxing. I have “nagged” I guess for so long now how much I hated the drinking especially in front of S12 and D14 especially weeknights such a [censored] example. So at least that’s completely gone now too 😂. I’ll take all small wins. I’ll keep reading and re reading. I might keep coming on daily to post and ask advice. Haven’t finished DR just yet but hopefully the next few days. The hardest part now is having to recover from major surgery( yep just when life couldn’t get any worse I needed all my girly bits removed) so I am pretty much couch bound on a lot of pain meds. But that’s how I stumbled on this forum and on the book and I have this gut feeling now finally that everything is going to be ok and I am going to be ok regardless. I have my down moments and think badly too, but I think once I can walk again and move again I will feel better. I plan to take up running again and want to try and do a half marathon by October.( I’ve done it once before 2 years ago). My life isn’t remaining on hold just because he wants to remain in his rut. The hardest part as a female is controlling our emotions and hormones and man some days are bad.and some days my patience wears things and I miss the stability and security of love and am even scared as to if he returns how can I not be scared of this ever again. It’s all such a mess right now but I am trying as best as I can My biggest thing is my self reflection and realising a lot of things I did wrong and owning up to them when we last had a relationship talk. I aknowlege and I apologise and express remorse and some stuff I didn’t even realise were an issue, now having the space and clarity I can see how my action came across bad. So it’s def been eye opening to take a step back and look at how I really stuffed up my half in this too. Self reflection is scary and it [censored] 😀😀
M:41 H:48 T:20. M:16.5 BD: 15/12/22 -moved out 17/3/2023
Wow Steve 😀Thankyou for your advice you are a wealth of knowledge. So very true I completely get he is basically part time getting the best bits without the responsibilities and can reside at night to his own area and do whatever he wants while I hold down the household, listen to kids fighting, organise their school day for the following day, stop the dog chasing the cat and eating out of the litter tray etc. it [censored] it really does. I stopped him having dinner here and def stopped him coming around for games and hanging out at night with us to play board games or whatnot so I guess that’s a good start 😀I’ll get better I promise I didn’t even think of the whole drop dead date. That was December for me. But yes I think that’s reasonable I can’t be in limbo for years I do like that idea. May I ask how did your story end up? I’m so sorry your Wife did that to you.
My wife eventually came around and decided she wanted to stay and work on the marriage. My turnaround was relatively quick, which is very uncommon. However, I want to warn you that reconciliation isn't for the faint of heart. It's lots of hard work, second guessing, and is it's own rollercoaster ride. I pray you can get there, but when you do prepare for a lot of tears in that process as well.
I never made it to the drop dead date, but if we had I was prepared, thanks to DBing, to do what I needed to.
I agree, if you put a stop to that stuff it is a really good start! Well done!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I kinda messed up tonight. Just when I feel I take one step forward I take three back. I’ve been getting through DR (what a great book I feel like he needs to read the first few chapter) And reading forums on validating and even pursuer and distance. I’ve been good with the validating, listening to small talk about work being supportive with my words and genuinely interested. Tonight he came to make dinner for us (again I am still out of action) and I was feeling really flat and crape emotions in overload I think due to Oxycodone I had taken for pain. We cooked together, made jokes etc. as I said he has still been very affectionate hugging and kissing me when he arrives and leaves, small touches, hugs so caring. I am trying not to initiate it ( the pursuer and distancer isn’t going too great) but of course when he does it then I naturally fall back into habits of doing it too. We were always affectionate like that. It feels second nature I know MISTkAKE 1 😔 Having dinner together making small talk he made a comment related to not sleeping well due to wind and where he is staying, I stupidly said “your bed is still here next to me when you’re ready to come home” with a smile, and he joked about “let’s swap for the night”(it was a joke) this is where I messed up by saying “I’m not the one who walked out” and his face just changed and I regretted it straight away. I felt so bad my mouth said what I was thinking which was true but cruel. I found him tidying up and apologised instantly which he accepted, hugged me and said it made him angry to which I said it was terrible to say I am trying to think before I talk but I am hurt and I don’t know how this is going to play out, and he just said neither did he. He left shortly after and proceeded to come to me for a hug goodbye. I feel so bad for mouthing off, even though it’s true. I don’t know if the anger was more within himself because it’s true. I don’t know how to play this dance. Obviously I have a lot of contact with him and see him daily until I go back to work and become more mobile. But how do you deal with the general chit chat and small talk and him wanting to discuss his day. I am trying to be open and validate when I can and be caring and FRIENDZONE him as much as possible but it is still hard when I slip up like tonight with my emotion overload. Do I still make small talk? Or just let him even start conversations, initiate contact. I don’t mind the affections the hugs ( as sad as they are and confusing) he has no idea what he wants and how this plays out. But it almost seems like he’s doing nothing to figure it out either other than work work work. Do I need to do more distance/pursuer? Omg this is tough.
M:41 H:48 T:20. M:16.5 BD: 15/12/22 -moved out 17/3/2023
I’m not sure why you’re being so hard on yourself.
He got angry because the truth hurts sometimes 🤷♂️ He sounds like a big baby.
Once you said what you said, you shouldn’t have apologised to try and smooth things over.
You need to get comfortable with being uncomfortable.
The real mistake here is interacting with him. Interactions lead to tensions boiling over and then people getting butt-hurt.
You seem afraid of conflict, and then revert back to trying to placate him by being nice.
If the truth dart hurt, maybe he needs to ask himself why.
Best thing you could have done after saying “I’m not the one who walked out” - laugh out loud, get up and do some dishes and act as if nothing happened.
Trust me when I say this… one day you’ll look back on this and realise how unimportant this one interaction was in the big scheme of things. You’ll probably even be annoyed at yourself that you were so worried about it.
It’s the tiniest of speed bumps and not nearly as bad as you imagine. Ignore it and get on with life 👍
Patt, we LBSs tend to overthink everything, and that's what you did here. The mistake, to me, wasn't staying the truth. The mistake was being so engaging with him to begin with. You said he came to cook dinner because you are still out of commission, but then say you cooked together? So which is it? If he is there to help then stay out of the kitchen and let him cook!
Don't start conversations and don't initiate affection. And certainly do not apologize when you tell him the truth! He did walk out. So what if that made him angry? Remember, you can't nice him back. There will be times when for are properly DBing where he will become angry. Because in DBing you're taking his cake away. But that is the only way he'll consider coming back. Because right now he is living the dream! Freedom but still gets to play house.
The other thing about DBing, no one does it well at first. The key is to learn from your mistakes. So learn from this. You're engaging him too much, so stop that. Don't apologize when he gets angry. Those are your two biggest learnings right now.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
