It’s almost like I need to think before I talk now 😂😂
Lol!
Yes, one does get more measured with their responses and interactions.
A good strategy for communicating with H is the 24-48 hour. Give yourself 24-48 hour before responding to a text or communication from H. This gives you time to not respond from your emotions and to instead speak from your rational side. Lot less chance of blurting things out or getting embroiled in a fight too.
Even in a direct phone call or face to face interchange one can delay certain topics. “I’m not sure, let me think about that and I’ll get back to you”, works pretty well.
Another good thing with giving yourself time to respond, is that some (most) things do not require a response. And for those that do, a simple acknowledgement - yes, no, ok - covers off a good portion of them.
This all helps with detachment and letting H feel what it is like to lose you.
Originally Posted by Pattnee5
I think it’s a MLC but who knows. He kept making comments he is old he feels old he is tired he is exhausted. He buried himself in work, has withdrawn socially for the last 12 months and literally plays video games to avoid spending time with me (this has all come to light now as I self reflect). He has changed massively as a person in the last 12 months and I was so busy I didn’t even see it. He’s 48. Needed glasses and procrastinated for. Months before finally getting them.
Be it a life transition or a full blown crisis or something else remains to be determined.
For a midlife crisis, the start of such a path usually happens 18-24 months before bomb drop. Emotional turmoil caused from past trauma(s), and triggered by some event. A death, wedding, birth of grandkids, or some other significant major life event. This event dredges up long ago and buried pains that they really do not realize. The MLCer honestly has no idea of why they are feeling what they are. And they are feeling lost and utterly unhappy.
This unhappiness and confusion is very disorienting. They suffer along and alone in silence. Firstly, because they feel it will be temporary and it will pass. And secondly, they do not have the words to describe their present state. It is very difficult to put words, rationalization, to one’s feelings.
During this time, lots of them double down on their marriage. Of course, us, the LBS, have no idea this is happening. A nice vacation, family time, more sex, etc; things are going great. Yet, for the MLCer, none of this fixes their emotional stress and torment. For it cannot, since that is not the cause. However, they do not, cannot, and will not see that.
Eventually, their inner torment starts to show through. Around 12 months before BD, behaviours start to alter and external signs start to emerge. This has been a slow hidden change, and goes mostly unnoticed by the LBS.
Months later, we have a sense that something is off. We then do what our spouse did like a year ago. We deny it. It’s temporary. It’ll pass. That’s pretty standard, most people don’t like to poke the bear. We just don’t want to wake it up. Whatever it is.
At this point, long before bomb drop, the MLCer is well started on their journey. A crisis cannot be stopped. It can be interrupted for a time, years even. But, when they circle back to its consuming embrace it will be far worse than the first time.
We all transition from stage to stage during our lives. At midlife, our career is mostly behind us, kids are grown up, and so on. We look back at our accomplishments and accolades. We look back at our regrets and lost opportunities. We all have dreams we let die, times we regrets, moments we’d love to have again.
A healthy transition, which doesn’t mean speedy or easy, has one find acceptance in their life. And the choices that they’ve made so far. It’s when this process goes wildly off the rails that is a crisis.
A MLCer has far too much pressure and stress from lost time, regret, and past trauma(s). Things unrealized and unreconciled rise up from within, and consume them.
A MLCer cannot handle their inner pain and pressure. Long ago events, usually something traumatic from a person of authority, happened when they were young and too immature to know how to handle it. The only thing their tender under-developed psyche could do was to push it down. Denial is our protective mechanism for things that would break one’s mind. We deny it, until we can handle it. It’s how grief works.
In the case of MLC, a trigger, decades later, uncovers these lost and forgotten trauma(s). The suffering person cannot reconcile what they feel, for they just don’t realize the corroborating event.
For the lost and hurt soul that is our once loving spouse, they cannot be the cause of such inner pain. They look desperately in their present life for a reason, for a cause. And desperate people, do desperate things. Career, kids, marriage. Eventually, usually, they focus upon their spouse. It has to be us. It must be. For it cannot be them. That is their conclusion and new life’s narrative.
All manner of things get blamed on the LBS. There is so much projection upon us. Anything and everything will be utilized to justify their position. Which is to run from their feelings and pain.
Running behaviours. They run. Futile attempts at recapturing what they feel is their lost life. They long to be young again. Lots of MLCer spend money like it’s going out of style. They find new friends. They dump old one. They take up dangerous and illicit behaviours and adventurous activities. They drink, do drugs, drive fast, and so on. All to keep their demons at bay. All to feel something, and to feel nothing.
Yet, in the still of night, while they lay in bed, their demons come out to play. One can run, but one cannot outrun themselves.
Bomb drop is call such for a reason. MLCers are in such pain and turmoil, they are trying to destroy their life.
A few hallmarks of a MLC are confusion and depression. The depression is always at the heart of it. The hurt and lost soul is dragged back to their torment, dragged back to “then”, to their younger self, and needs to grow up from then/there. It’s why they behave like teenagers. For emotionally they are. Rebellious hurting teens with a huge bank account.
As I said, be it a life transition or a full blown crisis or something else remains to be determined. The path of the LBS is pretty much the same regardless, especially when starting out. Time and space, and no pressure. They need to find their way.
The LBS needs to find their way too.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
