I’m still so lost

[SteveLW]

Pattnee, please read DR. You're making a lot of mistakes. This is not a chatisement but I'm trying to get you to see where you need to change how you deal with him. You're holding on for dear life and that's almost certainly a guarantee he'll never come back.

I always feel bad for LBWs. LBWs feel a obligation to keep having sex with their walkaway husband. It's as if the LBW feels "if I give him what he wants physically, then the emotional and mental will eventually come around". The problem is that most guys are perfectly fine with, and actually love, having unattached sex. For WAHs l, having sex with their LBW is having their cake, and eating it too. They get to have the pleasure of a wife (sure thing) without the responsibility of being a husband.

As far as your affair 9 years ago. That's water under the bridge. However, he's using it as an excuse for what he is doing now. It's an easy scapegoat. But it's complete bologna. He's been okay with it for 8-9 years and suddenly now he's not ok with it again? Too convenient. Listen, all of us heard about past transgressions in our situations. And they always get blown up to be even bigger than they actually were. He has an easy excuse to hold onto for what he's doing, but no judge or jury in the world would ever lend a shred of credence to it. So if you're beating yourself up over what happened 9 years ago, you should stop. You've made up for it and proved that you are past it. He did too.

Here is my immediate advice for you:

Stop saying "I love you". When your say that all you are doing is reminding him that he doesn't feel that way anymore.
Stop having sex with him. Take his cake away. When he protests (he will protest this one!), just simply state "I'm no longer comfortable being intimate with someone that doesn't want to be with me."
Read DR. Cover to cover. And start implementing the DBing tactics. You're already in IC, that's a great start.
Learn to listen and validate him. Read the sticky thread on validation. Be sure to do this right away, you'll need validation as a skill to deal with his protests over no longer having sex.

Finally, I know you've convinced yourself that there is no one else. However, I see a huge red flag on the gaming. Is it online gaming? If so, I'd bet dollars to donuts that there is at minimum an emotional affair with someone on the game. I've seen this a lot with gamers. Have a good friend who lost his wife to someone on an online game. In fact, he very well could be using you as his sexual outlet with her (she likely lives somewhere pretty far away). Let that sink in, and remember that if you have any qualms about stopping the sex.

DBing is about changing your approach. Gottman is great for strengthening marriages when there are two spouses at least willing to try. DBing is about changing your approach when your spouse has walked away.