I’m still so lost

[DnJ]

Hello P

The Divorce Remedy book is basically the upgraded version of Divorce Busting. DR has more information and wisdom than DB; one of the reasons MWD wrote it.

It’s a month now since he’s gone and I am still so so lost. He’s the love of my life I keep telling him how much I love him. He was never great at opening up but a few weeks ago we had a big deep and meaningful and he said how good it felt. I asked him what’s going on and he said he doesn’t know and he’s not ready to fully call it over as it’s so final and he doesn’t want to make a decision to be done and regret it, but also doesn’t want to make a decision to come home and do the same thing to me.

Something to realize. You didn’t break him, therefore you cannot fix him.

Currently, H is on his path, and you were not invited along.

H is in emotional turmoil. He displays confusion, and doesn’t know which way to turn or what to do.

You need to step back. Give him time and space. And plenty of both. He absolutely needs time and space to sort out his emotional issue(s).

Pleading, saying “I love you”, will push him right out the door. H’s emotions are cranked to eleven. He is saturated with feelings and pressures. He simply cannot handle you or anyone else’s feelings right now.

Do not have relationship talks with H, or pressure him for answers or decisions. Either of those will propel him in the opposite direction.

You focus on you and your kids. You work towards detachment. You live your life.

I was being torn to pieces by people’s advice.

Family and friends are well meaning and do not want to see you hurting. As such, they often advise of strategies and paths that they feel are quick fixes. However, if one has never walked this path before, it is difficult to know how the shoes are.

This place’s strength comes from the posters. They are kind compassionate folks with much hard-earned wisdom. There are folks that are just starting out, to vets that are decades down the path, and everything in between.

Divorce busting is a counterintuitive journey; especially at the beginning. Lots of the advice and suggestions will likely seem to be wrong to you; it will feel like the wrong thing to do. Seeing the rationale, the why of it, does help. And after a while you more live these principles and the counter-intuitiveness melts away.

Recently I had major surgery a week ago and he is always checking in making sure I’m ok wanting to come and help and cook. It’s so many mixed messages. I feel lost and exhausted. I am hanging on and being patient because if I can ride this out to have another 40 years with him it’s worth it. His signs and actions speak of someone who loves me but he says he doesn’t and just likes me as a friend and cares about me. I don’t buy it, I’ve known him since our 20s this isn’t his normal self he would never be this hurtful.

People in crisis or turmoil do become the opposite of who they once were. I suspect H will exhibit this “new” persona for a time. I do pray that this not MLC, for that is a truly horrible thing.

A midlife transition, or crisis, is a journey. Once a person starts along their path they need to walk the entire thing. Attempts to speed them up, at best will be neutral, most likely will delays them, and at worse will stall them right out.

I am fighting like crazy to hang on to him because I feel if I have to put up with this for one year to get another 40 it’s worth it.

This will take as long as is takes. It most likely will be longer than one year.

Don’t fret. You’ve been given a gift. The gift of time. Use it wisely.

Stop fighting to hang on. The more you hang on, the more he will want to push away. There is a thread that explains the pursuit and distance dynamic of this (see link in welcome post).

I’m so worried if I pull away that it’s the wrong move.

Pretty counterintuitive, isn’t it?

You are not pulling away. You just don’t pursue. There is a difference.

We’ve all heard, if you love something set it free. Well, this is the time.

You absolutely can stand for your marriage, and hope for reconciliation. Embracing divorce busting principles will give you the best chance at saving your marriage.

While doing that. Get a life. Focus on you. Move forward.

The big thing here is moving, not getting stuck. You live and love your life. Move forward is not moving on. And standing is not standing still.

Detachment, is the single best thing you can do for yourself.

Hang in there P. It does get better.

D