I’m still so lost

[Pattnee5]

In Dec ( a week before Christmas) my H dropped a bomb that he thinks he wants to separate. I didn’t even see it coming. I knew we had been both stressed with work and going through a busy time but I thought once christmas came and we relaxed everything would be okay. Boy was I wrong. Married 17 yrs together 20, 2 kids 14 and 12. I was blindsided, cried begged did everything I am not suppose to. Spent Christmas apart, he didn’t come to our family holiday then was away for work. Still remained in the house and was intimate affectionate and apparently was “trying” and wasn’t sure. I persisted to make everything amazing went to counselling made massive changes in myself and thought we were slowly getting through then in in March out of nowhere again he said he wants to move out and separate and he did. Again I probably did everything wrong, I was so sad, then I tried to be so happy and affectionate and welcome him home when he wanted (it’s still his home I still call him my husband) he would come and go come and make dinner bring me coffee hug me etc. I was being torn to pieces by people’s advice.

I think it’s a MLC but who knows. He kept making comments he is old he feels old he is tired he is exhausted. He buried himself in work, has withdrawn socially for the last 12 months and literally plays video games to avoid spending time with me (this has all come to light now as I self reflect). He has changed massively as a person in the last 12 months and I was so busy I didn’t even see it. He’s 48. Needed glasses and procrastinated for. Months before finally getting them.

Anyway I have heard it all from “I don’t love you” to “I don’t think I ever loved you” I don’t want to be married anymore etc. So many hurtful things. He has also had a few times of not being able to “perform” in the bedroom. There is nobody else, he is literally working, going to the gym to get his muscles back because he used to always love having a good body and let it go, and being a dad and doing stuff for the kids.

It’s a month now since he’s gone and I am still so so lost. He’s the love of my life I keep telling him how much I love him. He was never great at opening up but a few weeks ago we had a big deep and meaningful and he said how good it felt. I asked him what’s going on and he said he doesn’t know and he’s not ready to fully call it over as it’s so final and he doesn’t want to make a decision to be done and regret it, but also doesn’t want to make a decision to come home and do the same thing to me. What an absolute mindf&$k. I am trying to be so patient. I have DR book coming today from Amazon. I’ve read Gottman 7 principles I have been continuing with counselling solo (he won’t go).

Recently I had major surgery a week ago and he is always checking in making sure I’m ok wanting to come and help and cook. It’s so many mixed messages. I feel lost and exhausted. I am hanging on and being patient because if I can ride this out to have another 40 years with him it’s worth it. His signs and actions speak of someone who loves me but he says he doesn’t and just likes me as a friend and cares about me. I don’t buy it, I’ve known him since our 20s this isn’t his normal self he would never be this hurtful.

We went through a really rough patch 9yrs ago and I had an affair but he told me he forgave me and we rebuilt and had amazing times and he never once bought it up. Now he brings it up again, he also became a heavy drinker the last 6 months in his reclusive state.

I still feel like I am on a seesaw. When does it start getting better because my mind is still overthinking everything and praying he returns. We went about 10 days no visual contact or crossing paths recently but then I had my surgery and he wanted to see me and be around to help. I don’t know how to navigate this anymore. I know he is going through his own stuff and doesn’t want me a part of his process but it’s still so hard I am petrified another bomb gets dropped and he says we are done for good. He took his wedding ring off the day he moved out. It broke my heart.