Learning the ropes

[DnJ]

Hello MA

From my experience, openly discussion the situation was very helpful for the kids. We talked about the facts of what is going on; the kids’ feelings; Mom’s bizarre behaviour; and the likely reasons (midlife crisis) for her wild shift from who she once was, rationalizing this with her displayed behaviours and statements. Oh, there was so much fodder for discussion.

It is not our job to facilitate or maintain the relationship between kids and their other parent. We just don’t destroy it. However, we can and should, gently steer, coach, mentor, and be a role model, for our kids.

I’d encourage daughter to speak with you. Encourage her questions. Answers usually lead to more and more questions I found. The difficult part is getting this path started.

Your S19 and D16 are definitely old enough to know their mind, and know right from wrong. Work towards understanding (not condoning) Dad, then compassion, empathy, and forgiveness. There are some real difficult and worthy life lessons in all that - accountability, responsibility, kindness, forgiveness, and such. They can realize they can hold Dad accountable, and not have feelings of vengeance towards him. As an example.

D has spoken to him previously how important it is that he responds to her messages, particularly when he is with OW. D has history of school trauma & is quick to interpret rejection which triggers significant anxiety.

Unfortunately, nor she nor you can control Dad and how/when he will respond. Daughter can only control herself. The path to get where she can mute down her expectations of timely responses from Dad is a bumpy one.

D said she had 3 panic attacks since the phone call & her eyes were puffy & red from crying.

Consider telling daughter that when she gets triggered, be it from Dad or otherwise, she can call you. Anytime. Anywhere. And you will pick up the phone. An actual phone call. Not a text. A voice to voice call. It’s surprising how little such a safety net needs to be used. It’s more the fact that it’s there, acknowledged, and available.

I am not happy that he is unburdening his own distress on a 16 year old girl with past rejection trauma.

Agreed.

Consider boundaries for daughter. She can tell Dad not tell her such stuff. And hang up if he continues.

I've offered D counselling but she has refused because she wants to focus in exams and is worried IC will open the lid on past trauma.

I think it would be good for daughter to remove the lid on her past trauma. I’m sure she scared of that, and all the feelings that will surely stir up. Problem is, things buried alive will haunt. She needs to explore and make peace with it.

Perhaps, in conversation with you, daughter can open up and reconcile her triggers to rejection. Or she may require a IC.

A heads up for you, son and daughter will likely lash out at you. Especially when you converse with them. This is because you are the safe parent, and they cannot risk loosing Dad yet. Lots of their anger and feelings will be (mis)directed at you. It’s perfectly normal for them, and only temporary. Although it ain’t much fun for us. Just go with it, and realize that them getting it out of their system is a good thing.

D