Sooo, we both worked from home today (after the hospital). I then spent 2 hours out mowing grass and yardwork. At 5pm she got dressed and said she's going back to the hospital. I dropped son off at practice, and instead of coming home and lying on the couch (like I normally would), i went to a bar/restaurant and ate and had a few beers. As I was driving back to pick son up, she texted and asked where I was. I just replied and said I'm out, but going to pick son up. She said 'ok', then gave an update on grandma.
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
Living in fear of what your WS/WAS might want/think/do/say is a terrible existence.
A great 180 is to make all of your decisions based on WHAT THE RIGHT THING TO DO IS. To do this effectively, you have to take a real hard look at your core values as well as other belief systems that effect your behavior.
One thing that woman are attracted to is a man that faces his fear. Jordan Peterson has some great talks about this topic. Two that stick out are about "slaying the dragon" and "peter pan".
Embracing a whole new way of interacting with your wife, and women in general should be high on your list of personal growth. Wanting vs needing to be with your wife requires completely different ways of behaving.
PS: When you get a chance, update your tagline.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
So since this is the 2nd time I'm going through this, I have a question.
The first time, I think I did a good job of 180s, GAL, detach, etc. They were very difficult though, especially GAL and detachment. And even though I made those changes for me, ultimately my end goal was to save the M.
This time, I'm kinda finding those things much easier to do (even though it's only been 1 week since BD). Like, I"m much more at peace with things, and I"m not really dwelling on how bad a D would be.
So the question is, has anyone ever 'detached' to the point of realizing you actually would be better off with a D?? Don't get me wrong, I"m nowhere near that point yet. I'd still like to save the M. But has anyone ever did the 180s, GAL, etc and came to the conclusion that 'hey, I am a good person with a lot to offer. Why would I want to be with someone that doesn't share that opinion?'
Not sure I"m explaining correctly!
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
So since this is the 2nd time I'm going through this, I have a question.
The first time, I think I did a good job of 180s, GAL, detach, etc. They were very difficult though, especially GAL and detachment. And even though I made those changes for me, ultimately my end goal was to save the M.
This time, I'm kinda finding those things much easier to do (even though it's only been 1 week since BD). Like, I"m much more at peace with things, and I"m not really dwelling on how bad a D would be.
So the question is, has anyone ever 'detached' to the point of realizing you actually would be better off with a D?? Don't get me wrong, I"m nowhere near that point yet. I'd still like to save the M. But has anyone ever did the 180s, GAL, etc and came to the conclusion that 'hey, I am a good person with a lot to offer. Why would I want to be with someone that doesn't share that opinion?'
Not sure I"m explaining correctly!
Yes eventually 99% of LBS get there. Very few hold on forever. Life is too short to want to be with someone who walked away from you.
So since this is the 2nd time I'm going through this, I have a question.
The first time, I think I did a good job of 180s, GAL, detach, etc. They were very difficult though, especially GAL and detachment. And even though I made those changes for me, ultimately my end goal was to save the M.
This time, I'm kinda finding those things much easier to do (even though it's only been 1 week since BD). Like, I"m much more at peace with things, and I"m not really dwelling on how bad a D would be.
So the question is, has anyone ever 'detached' to the point of realizing you actually would be better off with a D?? Don't get me wrong, I"m nowhere near that point yet. I'd still like to save the M. But has anyone ever did the 180s, GAL, etc and came to the conclusion that 'hey, I am a good person with a lot to offer. Why would I want to be with someone that doesn't share that opinion?'
Not sure I"m explaining correctly!
Yes. Happens all the time. Ironically that's when the WAS comes back wanting to reconcile.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Yes. Happens all the time. Ironically that's when the WAS comes back wanting to reconcile.
That is why we say you have been given a great gift (time). Use your time wisely to work on yourself. By the time the WAS comes back, you are way ahead of them. Then more work is required of you to get to together at last.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
And yes, I know, it's Saturday night and I'm home, not out GAL'ing. lol
So, W's grandma passed last night. She got a text first thing this morning. I gave her a hug and told her I'm sorry. We talked for a bit. She then spent the day at her parents, while I took son to his banquet. When we all got home, we talked a while, and she asked me to invite our friends over. They couldn't make it, and since I had a few beers, I didn't want to drive anywhere to go out.
Nothing much else to report. I still haven't mentioned any R talk, nor have I initiated any conversation unless pertinent to son. She's been much more talkative, including talking about plans on things we can do this summer. lol.
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
Terapin, have you given any thought to giving up alcohol as a 180? I'll not bring this up again, but it's kind of a pet project of mine to help LBSs. I've been sober for 29 years, so that's a part of my motivation. But the other part is helping LBSs DB better. It's hard enough to DB stone cold sober.
Just a thought. -bro hug-
Last edited by SteveLW; 04/22/2311:51 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Terapin, have you given any thought to giving up alcohol as a 180? I'll not bring this up again, but it's kind of a pet project of mine to help LBSs. I've been sober for 29 years, so that's a part of my motivation. But the other part is helping LBSs DB better. It's hard enough to DB stone cold sober.
Just a thought. -bro hug-
Thanks. Hmm, well, I guess I haven't thought much of it, although alcohol has been a recurring problem in our marriage. Hell, since we were dating.
Now, I only drink one night a week, tops. Typically Saturday nights. The problem is, I tend to drink too much. I have trouble 'stopping'. Conversely, my W drinks almost every night (glasses of wine), and occasionally will over drink on a weekend night. I'd say alcohol lead to, or was at least a catalyst for 90% of our fights and issues over the past 20 years.
I will think about that though, cause that would be a helluva 180 for me. Congrats on your sobriety. I truly mean that. I have a lot of friends and family that have died or been destroyed by alcohol and drugs.
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
My condolences. I’m glad you all got to say goodbye to Grandma / Great Grandma.
Death, weddings, birth of kids, and other major significant life events often shake up the boggle dice that is our spouse’s emotional state. Just be mindful, she may exhibit a shift, and she’ll likely be a while settling.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
