Well, here is my story. About 7 weeks ago my wife told me that she was very unhappy in our marriage and she had been seeing another man. He works with her and she admits that they only talk once in awhile, but she has gone to the mall and kissed him. She told me that she had been unhappy for atleast 6 months and it all seemed like news to me. We had just moved to the town we are in August of 04 after living in Northern MN for 3 years. I am a teacher and was hosed out of my job and had to take a job in a location that was far from wife's family. She didn't like it much then she got job. She loved it. I coach and was very busy trying to establish myself in what would have been a GREAT teaching career, she has always felt that I don't spend enough time with her and son, but of course forgets about summers off. She had been talking a lot about the OM and I just chalked it up to another MF. She has always had a lot of them, very few FF. Ever since we had to make the move I had become very stuborn and she seemed to nag me a lot so I withdrew. She nagged, we seemed to become isolated from each other, not that I stopped loving her, just got sick of being bitched at. After she told me I went through all the stages. I coddled, she accepted, but the more attention I gave her the more trouble we had, DUH! I was smothering, and she kept falling further and further away. A couple of times she has said that she wasletting OM go, but he keeps on creeping back in like a bad dream. I think he is trying to present the friendly front and she keeps letting him back in, or is afraid to tell him to take a hike, for fear of losing attention she couldnpt get from me. I have been in the process of performing a 180. I threatened to leave her if she didn't give us a chance. She told me he was out for good. But Monday he called while I was home for lunch. I am seconds from walking out the door. We have been to therapy twice and she has said there has been a little progress. Seems to be trying or at least putting on the impression that she is trying. I even confronted the two of them at work last Friday and they both admitted it was over between them.
We had our second therapy session yesterday and left under good terms. That evening I was coaching a baseball game and she called me as the game was getting over wondering when we would be home. I told her it would be around 9:00. She said that was fine and that she and our S 4 were at the park. Sounded okay to me and I dismissed it and went on with the evening feeling pretty good for the first time in a long time.
When I got home we chit chatted for a few minutes and then she fell asleep since she had taken some antihistimine tablets. I didn't sleep well but felt good. She woke up to go to work and I told her to have a good day. She responded with the same and I fell back to sleep.
Today when I woke up I asked my S how the park was he said fun. He said that he played and mommy talked to a guy. I quizzed him on the guy and he told me the description of the OM. I began thinking again and the peace that I thought I had found yesterday has left me, a little. Then when dropping off my S at daycare I noticed that she had not picked him up until 5:20, she had a meeting at 2:30 which probably took an hour, then a generous 40 minutes to drive home would have put her in at 4:10. An hour and ten minutes? Maybe the meeting ran over slightly, but she was getting done when he was getting off work. I had personal therapy today and she said it was okay to ask questions, if we have agreed that we need to restore Trust. Which we both have addressed. She has said that the only way I will ever trust her is if we move. I have agreed to do that. Right now though we are here. I have learned not to attack her and some of our conversations lately have been great! Better than ever in fact.
I guess my main question is what if this guy is budging in and she wants him out? Is it okay to ask her this? Am I safe, since I have given her the distance as far as stepping back from intimacy, to ask her honest reply? She has been forthright the last week or so.
Quote: I had personal therapy today and she said it was okay to ask questions, if we have agreed that we need to restore Trust. Which we both have addressed. She has said that the only way I will ever trust her is if we move. I have agreed to do that. Right now though we are here. I have learned not to attack her and some of our conversations lately have been great! Better than ever in fact.
I guess my main question is what if this guy is budging in and she wants him out? Is it okay to ask her this? Am I safe, since I have given her the distance as far as stepping back from intimacy, to ask her honest reply? She has been forthright the last week or so
Frist off great for learning how to talk to W without attacking her. You need to see if your therapist is a SBT = Solution-Based Brief Therapy or Therapist. I think a SBT would help better than a regular therapist. Have you read any of Michele's books. I would recomed Divorce Buster and Divorce Remady. I have read both of them and the help me.
Has your W asked you to take a step back and give her the distance as far as stepping back from intimacy. If she hasn't came out and asked you for that you might want to take a look at things aother way. I know that in my case I wished we didn't take that step back. But rember everyone is dirffent. If it is possiable you need to talk to W about what form of distance she needs.
If she is willing to be forthright and is willing to talk. You need to rember that it might not be best to talk about some things until you can handle the answer. I know part of DBing is to work on yourself. And not to bring up R talk until the other is ready to talk. You need to think things over. Ask yourself what are your goals, will asking her about Om get you closer to your gaols or farther way. Now be brutly honset with yourself (I made the mistake of wanting to know and egnoying the fact it would take my farther from my gaol). If it will take you closer go for it. But if it will make things worse don't do it.
Well last night I came home and she had a bag packed. She said she needed to get away for at least a night and think. I told her to go, but of course it was hard. She assured me that she was doing it for us. She also assured me that she was not going to be with OM. She was taking a pad of paper to write some things down. I told her to take more than one day if necessary. Even though it is killing me I feel she is doing it for the right reasons. I told her about my trust issues and she told me that she was really trying. I have backed off sex and intimacy. Every once in awhile I do touch her hand or we offer a hug. Last night she hugged me tight and even gave me a couple of pecks on the lips and cheek. They seemed very sincere, but of course it has been weeks since I have recieved a kiss from her. I think our discussions have finally gotten us working towards one another, but I also know that my son already misses her. Is she doing this to find out if she can live without us around? God I hope it isn't deception. Anyway, thank you for your help.
creed, I don't think i could have handle that a good as you. I would have broken down. Did she let you know where she was going, how to contact her in case son needed her. She may have needed to get away so she can think. I have been know to leave work early when it is slow. And take the day for me. Not going home until late in the evening because I have to think and write my feeling down. Mybe she needed to be alone to do some soul seaching.
I hope she wil be back soon. Keep posting your thoughts and feeling (if not here in a notebook)to help clear your thinking. So when she does get back you can have a clam reuion.
Well, I am a DB failure. She came home and was so miserable that I started a fight. I couldn't leave her alone and I just wanted her to feel as bad as I did that she couldn't just love our family. God I even got S out of the house to give her a chance to take a bath in peace, wo what does she do? She calls OM! S and I came back, I made dinner and finally asked her if she accomplished what she wanted to accomplish on her days away. She said she guessed so. I asked if she was happy to be back; she said she didn't know. I became livid! S came in and wanted to go to park so I decided to take him as I argued with W. Finally I told her that if she wanted out then she had to leave, but S and I were going to stay together. He didn't ask for this and I had tried to change for her. (Can you see the list of [censored] ups piling up?) I took S out to a friends house and left him and went back and chased her around the house. God it is so easy looking back that I could have just eaten dinner, let her mope around, popped in a DVD, and went to bed. BUT NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! I had to pursue, question, and chase her around. Now my poor wife is racking up $90 a night at a hotel. I told her she could come back anytime. I want her to come and stay here even if it means that I sleep on the couch. She atleast needs to find a better place to stay, maybe somebody at work can help her out. OM certainly isn't going to be any help, he hasn't even told his W yet. God I'm a failure! Now my son is w/out a mommy. What do I do from here? She did call and leave a message saying that she had found a place to stay. I called her back and told her that she could come back whenever. Where do I go from here?
creed, I know right now you feel like a major failure at DB. But when we make a mistake, we have to double back as quick as we can. Honey, you are only human like the rest of us, we are all bound to mess up. But the main thing is to look back and learn what we could have done dirrfent and next time don't F*** up the same way. It minght take a couple of mess up to get it right but if we keep trying then we wil find the right path.
I don't know what to say about wife moving out (my H is still at home.) But do some soul seaching, and see what you need to do to make you better for you. Strat working on makeing things good for you and son.
Go and read or reread (what ever the case my be) DB and DR. Also ther is a book called Not just friends (I found it help me see how H affiar was.) Sorry I fought the rest of title and auther but I found it in my public libry. Go check it out It might help. you.
When you do get to speak or see W keep thing light. If you know beforhand that you will see or speak to her, get out of house awile, do something that will get your emotions on a even keel. Take a walk or jog, whateve helps you. That way when you to see her you might be lees like to strat fussing. And if you feel the ugre to strat a fuss. Tell W that you will finsh talking about it later when you are clamer. Same goes for if she strats it. Just exit youslef before a fuss starts.
Kat, Uh...Okay, get this! After telling me it was over and leaving last night W came back home at 9:30 this morning. She was supposed to be at work. She looked about as crappy as a person could look, she had obviously been crying and had slept very little. I asked her if she was home to get her stuff, she said no, she was home for good. I was on the phone with her mom, and and just started to tell her about the previous night and let MIL go. I started to walk over to her to help her get her stuff inside and she fell into my arms, sobbing, saying she loved me. I was quite blown away since W had basically told me less than 12 hours before that she didn't love me and never would. I took her in, sat her down, and talked with her. She said that she had called OM and told him it was over. She didn't want to talk to him, see him, or have him park his car near where she parked. I was blown away. I told her I was here for her and she kissed and hugged and held me. I got more affection today than I have had in 4 weeks. She cried nearly non-stop for 3 hours. I decided I had to get her out of the house to try to calm her down. We had promissed S that we would go to Shrek 2 (Great family film btw, adults loved it too). We stopped at McDonalds and she didn't come in, she sat out in the car and cried. Son and I ran into a friend at McDonalds, who sort of knew the situation, and I asked her to watch S. I went out and she told me the story. She had called OM to tell him that she was leaving me. She wanted him to leave his wife for her. He had told her before that he would do it in a second, but the SOB backed out on her. He told her he could tell she still loved me and that she needed to work on her marriage. He had told her that he would punch out early, stop calling, and avoid her completely. She said she was so pissed at him. I was a little angry because I seem to be the back-up plan. I still am not sure how to react to this. So far I have been very supportive and have talked about my personal fears of this situation, such as she is just trying to use play me for a fool. I don't think she is. She has said several times that she is trying for real this time, because she does love me and wants to make it work. She is going to put in her two week notice tomorrow, and we are probably going to move back to the farm with her family to try to make it work. This is so wierd. I even said "I told you so" and she didn't get that mad. I have held her while she cries to near sleep, of course she is exhausted from lack of sleep. How freeking wierd this is! What do I do? Do I keep DB? Or console her and get her out of her heartache? This is so unexpected and odd! What a reversal I was planning on divorce papers being drafted up and a custody hearing, and now she is back in my life. Where do I go from here?
I really don't know what to say. I am happy for you that W is back. It sounds like you will have your hands full for awhile. But I will give you a take on what I think.
Quote: and she fell into my arms, sobbing, saying she loved me. I was quite blown away since W had basically told me less than 12 hours before that she didn't love me and never would.
The rollercoaster ride of I love you and I don't love you seems to be the normal sitch. for WAW. They are going thru some much at times they don't even know themself. I think the is where the phrase SAM - Silly Alien Monkee has came from. If you read others post sometimes you will find that used a lot. I hate to say it but you might see a little more of the I love you rollercoster. Just hang on thight the ride might not be long.
Quote: but the SOB backed out on her. He told her he could tell she still loved me and that she needed to work on her marriage. He had told her that he would punch out early, stop calling, and avoid her completely. She said she was so pissed at him. I was a little angry because I seem to be the back-up plan. I still am not sure how to react to this.
It is to your advange that Om is bein a SOB. And he might have seen that W still loves you, and maybe he sees that it wouldn't work out between them. What ever his reason are just be glad that he said and hopeful follows tru. As for being the back up plan, I don't think W really had a plan. Just try to keep things together. And as much as you can no pressure.
Quote: She is going to put in her two week notice tomorrow, and we are probably going to move back to the farm with her family to try to make it work. This is so wierd. I even said "I told you so" and she didn't get that mad. I have held her while she cries to near sleep, of course she is exhausted from lack of sleep. How freeking wierd this is! What do I do? Do I keep DB? Or console her and get her out of her heartache? This is so unexpected and odd! What a reversal I was planning on divorce papers being drafted up and a custody hearing, and now she is back in my life. Where do I go from here?
As for where to go from here. I might sound like a witch. But where you planning on the D and custody hearing because you don't want to work on the marriage or is it because you where preparing for the worst? If you want to work out your marriage keep up the DBing. I belive every marriage could use some DBing(even the good ones.) and exspicaly the one that are in trouble. Even if you move back to the farm. Both of you will need to still work on getting the marriage back on the right path.
KAT, God bless you. I think that I am on the right track now. I think I may have used the LRT without knowing it. Basically, We have had the "moving" disc. before. I think that she needs to get out of here and OM may have been a call for help. I know what you mean about the DBing in all marriages, An ounce of prevention is a ton of cure. It is so funny (bad word) but she is going through the same emotions I did about four weeks ago. I have a GREAT feeling for the first time in a long time. Now I have to look out for the little guy and hope that mommy is home for good. She has said several times that she is really going to try this time. I think all my patience, up until I blew up, finally paid off. Wish me luck and I will keep you posted.
CSR
PS Great song for all DBers out there "The Reason" by Hoobastank. Sort of a slow rock song, but engrosses all the feelings and emotions and intentions of a good DBer.
I wish you all the luck that I can. I hope this works out for you. And all the prayers I can muster. Please keeping posting update. Maybe after awhile it will be on the anothe marriage busted fourm.
Kat
P.S. I know the song and you are right. Another to listen to is Someday by Nickelback. It too has what a DBer goes thru.
I was planning on divorce papers being drafted up and a custody hearing, and now she is back in my life. Where do I go from here?
