DnJ Thank you for your thoughtful, quick & comprehensive response. It's given me a lot to think about which is why I didn't want to respond immediately. I am a reflective person and really want to learn & change during this process. I feel sad today and am trying to work out what that is about. I think some of it is ego. I felt on top and I've come crashing down & feel bottom of the pile again. That's all perception though. In actual fact, I'm in the same position I've always been in. This is out of my control. I need to focus on me. I need to detach and treat him like a neighbour. His words have invited me to care for him & that's not my job. I need to work on recognising what he pulls out in me & not responding immediately. I'm going to try and give myself a boundary of not responding to emotive texts for a few hours.
Originally Posted by DnJ
Originally Posted by MA1970 I want him to know I care but not in a cake and eat it way?
Why? Why do you want him to know you care? Realize this is your want, it has little to do with H. You’re getting drag into his world and looking for validation from him.
This really made me think. Our dynamic has always been that I'm the solver, I'm the care provider, I'm the mother to sort both H & the kids. I've felt resentful of this previously. Your thoughts have made me realise how quick I am to jump right back unto the role I hated. Its also made me wonder if this is exactly what H is expecting me to do. Its almost like he is inviting me to come in and do the hard work for him & end his relationship with OW. He is certainly inviting me to come and sort his mess for him. I could do that but that would prevent any chance of r happening meaningfully in the future. I know he needs to travel this road alone but MY fear is almost inhibiting this. I need to watch out for this. Maybe set a goal around it? I never appreciated how hard this all is. I'm not sure I'll have the resilience to stay standing but I'm hoping the work on me will prevent me from getting into a similar relationship in the future. Thank you so much DnJ. Your post has so much of value to me in it.
Kind - thank you. You have made a completely valid comment about my timeframes. I say that this will take time but I've fallen for a quick positive and expect immediate change. As I said at the top of the post. Nothing really has changed. He's still nit got any committed action, he's still a child seeking reassurance and guidance from the person he has hurt the most. He's still trying to run back to his safe place. I am still allowing this. I am still not upholding my personal boundaries & I am the one getting hurt. Lots to think about. Going to spend some time this weekend setting clear personal boundaries and thinking of my GALs in relation to this recent learning.
