Learning the ropes

[DnJ]

Good Morning MA

I'm feeling confused. Something has shifted yet at the same time it feels like nothing has moved.

Too much talking with H, draws you in to his world, and confuses you. Focus on your path and forward movement. H has moved and shifted, however that is mostly internal and will appear/feel like nothing has happened.

Back to communication - how do I do it at this stage where he seems to be rapidly sliding towards depression?

Let him find depression. He needs to feel the loss, the guilt, the shame, and yes the depression. This is still his path, and you were not invited along. Don’t inject yourself into his needed suffering.

He needs a lighthouse more than anything else really. A stanchion. Let him decide to catch up to you.

I want him to know I care but not in a cake and eat it way?

Why? Why do you want him to know you care? Realize this is your want, it has little to do with H. You’re getting drag into his world and looking for validation from him.

He knows you care. He really does. And his emotions are cranked to eleven. He cannot handle much feelings from you or anyone. For example, S and D’s messages were certainly emotionally charged and H had to go radio silent due to the pressure. (By the way, hearing a few truth darts here and there is a good thing for him. And radio silent shows those got through.)

Be the lighthouse. Live your life. Shine. And let wayward/lost ships find their way.

I'm still not initiating communication but the past few days, he has been messaging & he is in a difficult place. He's clearly not at the place where he can give OW up but also doesn't want to give us up. He's back off sick from work, can't eat & only gets relief from sleep. He's told D that he's still emotionally invested in OW but wants me.

Breaking up is difficult. Withdrawal will be hard. Leave him to his mess. He needs to grow and accept responsibility for his actions and deeds.

He needs to reach his own decisions & I think, because he's arguing with her, he is fearful that he will be left with nothing.

Yes, he needs to make his own decisions. And own those decisions, and the benefit or consequences thereof.

I think I've been too accommodating.

I've been trying to use validation but I think he interprets that as I'm comfortable with how he is behaving.

Do not accommodate. You are the prize. You keep moving forward and living your life. H needs to catch up with you, not the other way around.

It hurts like hell that I'm still the back up plan & I want to be able to approach communication the right way. Supportive but not a walkover. Any thoughts?

Communicating is much more than words. In fact, your action will speak louder than words.

OW and H arguing is a good thing. Their relationship is built upon lies and deceit, which make a terrible foundation. Stay out of it. Let her be her undoing. The more she and he fight, the more H will resent her, and wonder “what the heck am I doing”, and question his life choices.

The best current support you can provide is to let go. Be a lighthouse, and let him steer his path.

Part of communicating is boundaries. This will ensure H knows and realizes you do not approve nor condone his behaviours, while you do recognize his valid feelings.

I'm still the back up plan

Don’t be.

H may consider you his back up plan. He might try to place you on the shelf as an insurance policy of sorts. You need not going along with that. You shouldn’t go along with that.

A good mindset for you regarding H and boundaries:

- My friends don’t treat me that way.

- People will treat you as you let them.

Setting your bar high, at an appropriate level, is ok. And most people will usually exceed that, once they realize.

…text message from him last night that said "I had a lovely day today, always feel a bit tearful when I leave".

The fragility of the broken hurt mind and soul is present and should be considered. Kindness and compassion while allowing them to walk their path is accomplished best by focusing on self. Leave his consequences to fate/karma. We don’t need to rub their face in anything, nor do we ignore nor condone their behaviour. Place boundaries upon disrespectful actions work well.

When one first strays and steps out of the marriage they are very confused and walk in two worlds. Both world views are fully active within them. They want to be married and they want to be with the other person. Typical bomb drop usually happens with the choosing of the other partner and the feeling of no longer wanting the path of being married.

For a while, sometimes a really long while, one’s spouse feels adamant about the rightness of their choice and decision. Yet, as troubles accumulate between the “new” couple, more and more resentment builds and life’s reality seeps in.

They will expend tremendous energies maintaining their fantasy narrative and relationship. Remember, these are hurt broken people who often looked to an affair to make them feel better, to find happiness. Such efforts will not last, for their unhappiness is within them, and no matter where they run or what they do, there they are. As things degrade, some find another partner; some just get tired of expended such energy and resign themselves to their lot; and some look inward.

If/when some internal shifting and looking inward starts to occur, the old world view will start to emerge. Once more they will live and walk in two worlds. Again, both being fully active within their addled mind. A very confusing time for them, and coupled with much regret, shame, and such for deeds done.

He is presently, again, walking in two worlds. The competing viewpoints and internal struggle will be very difficult and confusing for him. He needs to struggle.

To be truly kind and compassionate, will likely feel less so. Be the lighthouse. Not his friend. Not his father confessor. Be wife. The prize. Let him catch up.

You aren’t looking for him to be some confused boyfriend. Nor a friend bemoaning about his troubles with OW. You want him to step up and want to be husband. Period.

You continue walking your path, and moving forward. Let H feel the loss. And give him to God or fate.

Communication is more than words.

D