I understand the worry about your finances. However, you are unlikely to offset the financial strain of divorce with some saving of money right now. That being said, do not go wasting it either.
Speaking of burning through money, keep an eye on your finances. Some spouse’s who are checking out of the marriage start spending like crazy.
Some ideas:
Consider your financial picture and make a Terapin GAL budget and don’t overspend it.
A golf game here and there is no big deal. Same for a meal out, or new cloths. As long as you can reasonably afford it.
Do GAL things that cost nothing or very little. A walk in the park. Read a book. Resurrect an old hobby. If you’re like me, you’ve likely placed it on a shelf and there it sat for years. Pull that “already paid for” stuff down and start it up again.
Originally Posted by Terapin
…if you were in a similar sitch, how'd you handle it?
Be financially proactive. W is talking about divorce. Get joint credit cards paid off and cancelled. Get a new credit card in your name only, so you are only responsible for your debt. W would likely do the same. Caveat, in some locales the individual credit cards are still considered martial debt; something you’d find out when speaking with, and gather information from, a lawyer.
Figure out your share of the joint expenses - mortgage or rent, loans, bills, insurance, and such. I’d be tempted to deposit that amount into the joint account and the rest into your own personal account. That way, your GAL expenses and budget are private.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
I understand the worry about your finances. However, you are unlikely to offset the financial strain of divorce with some saving of money right now. That being said, do not go wasting it either.
Speaking of burning through money, keep an eye on your finances. Some spouse’s who are checking out of the marriage start spending like crazy.
Some ideas:
Consider your financial picture and make a Terapin GAL budget and don’t overspend it.
A golf game here and there is no big deal. Same for a meal out, or new cloths. As long as you can reasonably afford it.
Do GAL things that cost nothing or very little. A walk in the park. Read a book. Resurrect an old hobby. If you’re like me, you’ve likely placed it on a shelf and there it sat for years. Pull that “already paid for” stuff down and start it up again.
Originally Posted by Terapin
…if you were in a similar sitch, how'd you handle it?
Be financially proactive. W is talking about divorce. Get joint credit cards paid off and cancelled. Get a new credit card in your name only, so you are only responsible for your debt. W would likely do the same. Caveat, in some locales the individual credit cards are still considered martial debt; something you’d find out when speaking with, and gather information from, a lawyer.
Figure out your share of the joint expenses - mortgage or rent, loans, bills, insurance, and such. I’d be tempted to deposit that amount into the joint account and the rest into your own personal account. That way, your GAL expenses and budget are private.
D
Fortunately with the weather getting nice, it's a lot easier to do cheap/free things!
So the one part of our marriage that she always handled was the finances (paying bills). 2 years ago we were drowning in credit card debt. This was mostly her doing, but I"m sure I charged a lot of crap too over the years. We consolidated all that debt into 1 loan. Per terms of that loan, all credit cards had to be cancelled, and we aren't allowed to apply for any new ones. That's a good thing, unless there's some type of emergency.
I like the idea of only putting 'my half' of the montly expenses into the joint account. She actually suggested that when she BD'd. But again, since she's always handled all that stuff, I either have to wait for her to bring it up again, or initiate that conversation myself. Not sure if initiating that is wise or not
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
Get legal advice (now) and have your paycheck direct deposit go into a private account for your eyes only. Contribute a fair (know your responsibilities) amount each paycheck into your shared non discretionary expenses. You control your own money: if you can afford filet mignon and premium green fees and a personal trainer or picnics an heavy bag and hill runs it matters not. You need to control you.
Take my ideas with a grain of salt I’m learning as I go.
Ok, I need some immediate advice if anyone's out there!
Wife's grandmother has been ill (she's in her 90s). W just said this morning that she's in ICU and is now just receiving comfort care. I was on my way to work when I found out (45 minutes away). W is heading to hospital now, and taking our son with her to say his goodbyes.
What do I do? I always liked her grandma, and if our sitch was different I'd be rushing over there. But IDK if W wants me there (since she told her parents about D), or if I'd be looked at as the biggest dick in the world if I didn't go. What should be my role today, as well as moving forward (funeral, etc)?
Please help!
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
I had an awesome relationship with my W's grandma. I can't tell you what you should do on your situation but if I were you I'd go to the hospital. Some things transcend DBing. At a minimum look at it as being there for your son. He's losing a grandparent.
Don't make it about you and her. But about you and her grandma and your son.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Go to the hospital. Support your son, and yes even W. And say your goodbyes as well.
Originally Posted by Terapin
…if our sitch was different I'd be rushing over there.
Make your situation different regarding this. Her grandma isn’t part of W and your problems.
Originally Posted by Terapin
What should be my role today, as well as moving forward (funeral, etc)?
Supportive. Take charge if needed or asked upon.
You and W are still married. She might lean upon you, she might not. Go with zero expectations and do what’s needed. There are some things that we just have to step up and do. It one’s character.
Originally Posted by Terapin
IDK if W wants me there
If she didn’t want you there, she’d not have told you about it. Or she’d likely tell you straight out not to come.
Sorry buddy. Stay strong.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Thanks guys. I went to the hospital, and I'm glad I did. She is 'actively' dying. W and son weren't there yet, but her aunt and brother were. Talked to them for a few minutes, then went up to see her. Sat in the lobby for a while afterwards w/ her aunt, until W and son got there.
I just got home and W is here. We talked for a bit about the hospital. She thanked me for going.
Like I said, regardless of our sitch, I'm glad I went. Thanks guys!
Last edited by Terapin; 04/20/2303:42 PM.
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
IDK that you should be worrying about what your W wants any more!
This is someone who is choosing to cancel your lives together. I’m not sure that you should gives two sh*ts what she thinks.
I’m glad you went! You should do what Terapin wants.
Living in fear of what your WS/WAS might want/think/do/say is a terrible existence. You should relay this story about your grandma to your IC and work on minimising acting through fear.
