I've not really thought about this stuff for a long time!
Since you have been here before, I will just bullet out some things:
1) Do not argue with her. STFU and listen. Your POV doesn't not matter. I do this with almost everyone out in real life. I listen and understand "their story". Of course if someone ASKS for my POV I will share. One of my best friends is on the other side of the political isle. I listen. He never asks my opinion.
2) Do not be boring. This kills attraction. Woman want excitement in there life. Even if they have to start an argument with you. Use this to your advantage.
3) Become more attractive. Watch some of the "Be a more attractive Man" videos. Guys like "Alpha male strategies" have some great insight and you can make some small positive changes to your behavior with great results. LFA has some good stuff.
4) Do some research in "Ways women test men". Learn to pass the tests.
5) No not supplicate.
6) Learn to be seductive. Greatest skill I learned after the bomb drop.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
4) Do some research in "Ways women test men". Learn to pass the tests.
From my notes: Guys first thing you need to know this: most women these tests are subconscious. That means they're not even aware they doing them that means that they just do it naturally they're hardwired to test men.
IF you respond correctly, her attraction will increase. If you fail, her attraction will decrease.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
It's hard to 180 (going out with friends, golfing, etc) with a child because it feels like I"m detaching from him too. But I"m going to try.
One great GAL to do is just take him without mom and do things with him. 13 is a great age to just go do fun guy things.
Absolutely. The problem is, I already take him to sports practices 2-4 evenings a week, and he has games/tournaments on most weekends. It doesn't leave a lot of free time for either of us.
Remember, where there's a will there's a way. I'm sure you can find bits of time here and there to do fun stuff. Take him out to eat after a practice. Take him for ice cream after a game. Tell your wife that on an open Thursday night you have plans and she'll need to watch him.
GAL is what you make it. Lots of LBSs do it poorly because they don't try.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
It's hard to 180 (going out with friends, golfing, etc) with a child because it feels like I"m detaching from him too. But I"m going to try.
One great GAL to do is just take him without mom and do things with him. 13 is a great age to just go do fun guy things.
Absolutely. The problem is, I already take him to sports practices 2-4 evenings a week, and he has games/tournaments on most weekends. It doesn't leave a lot of free time for either of us.
Remember, where there's a will there's a way. I'm sure you can find bits of time here and there to do fun stuff. Take him out to eat after a practice. Take him for ice cream after a game. Tell your wife that on an open Thursday night you have plans and she'll need to watch him.
GAL is what you make it. Lots of LBSs do it poorly because they don't try.
Good points. Maybe I'll take him to practice on Thursday, tell her she needs to pick him up, and go out somewhere for a while.
When she dropped the bomb on Friday, she said the only financial info she doesn't have is my student loan and 401k statement. I guarantee she figured I either wouldn't get them, or it would take weeks. I had them lying on the dining room table for her yesterday. They're still there and she hasn't mentioned them.
Since our talk Saturday morning, you'd never suspect anything is wrong. I haven't really opened communication whatsoever, but i reply kindly when she asks something. She, hasn't said much either, but has been extremely nice. She rarely ever cooks, unless it's for her or our son. Today I came home from work and there was stuff cooking in a crockpot. Although it's likely for our son. None of that means anything anyway at this point.
Every divorce forum I read says it's imperative to be the first to file. If she's having 2nd thoughts, I'd probably be willing to wait and work on it. If she's still preparing, I should probably file. Wish I knew
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
She may be lying. I got into her facebook account and there aren't any messages there, but like I said it only takes a second to delete them. I could try checking her phone, but again doubt I'd find anything.
Absolutely don’t stalk. It’s a rabbit hole to pain. Also, there’s been a few here recently who have done it against our advice, and been threatened during the divorce with a domestic violence or restraining order. DON’T DO IT.
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I may call our old therapist and book an IC session.
Every divorce forum I read says it's imperative to be the first to file. If she's having 2nd thoughts, I'd probably be willing to wait and work on it. If she's still preparing, I should probably file. Wish I knew
Do not make this decision based on her thought process. Do not file based on fear. Do not let fear control you.
Do you want to divorce her? Yes = file No = work on you.
If she files, then you can review her paperwork and counter. It is just negotiation and a business transaction.
With that said, Go get free consults with the top 3 divorce attorney's in your area. Knowledge is power. Also, she most likely will not be able to retain them since you have spoken with them (confirm this with the lawyers as well).
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
If divorce is not a moral issue for you then yes it can be advantageous to file. Make sure though. Ive seen some LBHs that were the ones to file even though it was their wife walking away, and later regretted it because the kids blamed them. "You were the one that filled for D!"
So be sure. For me I was going to give it a year before filing. That way I could look my D in the eyes and say I tried everything I could for a year before I filed.
Also remember, filing is not the end. It's a step on the process, a process that could still end in another reconciliation.
Last edited by DnJ; 04/19/2301:36 PM. Reason: Corrected typo.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Good feedback on filing. Not only may our son 'blame' me, but family, friends, etc may also.
I don't think I will at this time, with the limited information I have. Now if/when an affair comes to light, then that's a different story.
As for lawyers, in her 20s she worked as a legal secretary for divorce lawyer. So that is who she'd use if necessary.
Yogi Berra said 'it's like deja vu all over again'. I'm trying to think back to her words/actions years ago, but I swear I blocked a lot of that period out. But it is eerily similar. The only difference so far is, the last time, she spent a lot of time 'going out'. Maybe not a lot, but she would go to hang out with mutual friends, because OM was there. I was clueless.
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
Every divorce forum I read says it's imperative to be the first to file. If she's having 2nd thoughts, I'd probably be willing to wait and work on it. If she's still preparing, I should probably file. Wish I knew
Treat divorce like a business deal gone sideways.
If you need financial protection or security, like your spouse is burning through martial savings or some such, then get it. Otherwise leave the divorce to her.
Sometimes the leaving spouse is more generous early on. Note, they are making the proposal, the offer to you; not you filing for D. You may want to accept such an offer, or you may not.
Regarding filing first, you’ve got to ask why. An attempt to wake up a leaving spouse by threatening divorce or pushing a divorce is manipulative. And manipulation doesn’t work. If you file, you do it for you and your reasons.
Filing first is not vitally important in my opinion. In this morgen age, society is frighteningly efficient with divorce. Most locales is default 50/50 and with no fault divorces. Speeding things along just ensures you become divorced.
Making major life decisions based upon emotions will surely end with regret. Base such decisions on logic and reason and deeply held values. The latter, one’s belief and convictions, takes time to really discover. Working on self, while giving space and time, is a pretty good path.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
I do have another question. Financially we're not in a great place, and if we go through with D, I'm going to need every penny I can get. But when it comes to GAL stuff like golfing, going to a restaurant, buying some new clothes, etc, all that stuff obviously costs money. How did you guys handle that? Both of our paychecks get direct deposited into a mutual account. If I take $60 to go golfing, I imagine she'd be like "hey, we're supposed to be cutting back and saving money for D", and to be honest, she'd be right. Again, if you were in a similar sitch, how'd you handle it?
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
