Went relatively poorly. I was very calm coming into it but she had things all over the house and wasn’t really prepared to discuss/iron out details as I had discussed. Poor communication on her part has driven this rollercoaster for the past months so I shouldn’t have been surprised. Not happy about it but I guess at least it’s over. At least when she asked for a hug I told her that wasn’t appropriate and that I didn’t want to see her tomorrow when she gets the last of her things.
Why did it go poorly? Sounds to me like it went really well 🤷♂️
You need to rethink how you see interactions. Until now, her being angry = you feeling like things went bad.
It may have been uncomfortable… but that doesn’t mean it was bad. You need to learn to get comfortable and unaffected by her being upset/angry/a bitch.
Telling her it wasn’t appropriate for a hug is gold standard DBing. Most of us would have emotionally crumbled and given her what she wanted. WELL DONE! As an aside… she probably wanted a hug because she knows her behaviour is shitty and she wants validation. If you hug her, in her mind, you’re giving her comfort - so she feels like you’re supporting her choices.
Lastly, on the validation… sometimes when you’re learning it can be hard to frame validation without sounding like you’re approving of their choices/words/behaviour. If you have trouble getting that balance right, rather than validate feelings, just parrot stuff back until you find your feet.
If she says: “I wish you’d made these changes earlier.”
Don’t say: “I understand how you must be feeling.”
Instead, say: “Sounds like you are saying you wish things were different earlier.”
That way they’ll at least realise you are listening, but you haven’t crossed the line into “I understand how you feel” territory. Waywards/walkaways can sometimes take “I can see how you might feel like that” as validation that the decisions they’ve made based on those feelings are also correct.
Another example, perhaps when she is collecting stuff from the house and says “This is really hard. I can’t believe it’s come to this!”
Bad: “Well then don’t leave” - comes across mega needy Bad: “it’s hard for me too” - you are usurping her feelings with your own which means you aren’t listening to her. Waywards/walkaways/MLCers don’t give a s*t about anyone’s feelings except their own, so it’s a waste of time. Okay: “I get that you’re feeling that way.” She might take it that you are supporting her decision because you said “it’s okay”. Best: “Sounds like you’re saying today is really hard for you.”
Once you find your feet, and practice initially with mainly parroting, then you’ll be able to improve your validation as time goes on.
Also, practice validation outside of your relationship. Do it at work, or with your friends/family.
