As far as her swearing on your son's life, I don't buy it. My wife would have said anything rather than to admit that there was someone else. So I'd move forward assuming she's at least in some stage of another EA.
So did mine. At bomb day, mine said “I’ll swear on our kids’ lives I’ve always been faithful and there’s never been anyone else. You’ve probably been having an affair, and that’s why we’ve grown apart.” - she said all this, while actively attending church, while engaged in an affair with a guy from S’s soccer team.
She’s lying to you.
At this point, I think DBing is your second priority.
Your first priority is actually getting some IC to determine if you want to save this. The fact that you’ve thought about divorce from time to time is a huge red flag. While it’s admiral to stay together for your son, if the marriage remains crap or marginal, he’s actually better off with two happy and separated parents.
I wouldn’t do marriage counselling. Work out what you want before you even consider it.
She may be lying. I got into her facebook account and there aren't any messages there, but like I said it only takes a second to delete them. I could try checking her phone, but again doubt I'd find anything.
I may call our old therapist and book an IC session.
She also mentioned how different we've become. Not to start a political debate, but 20 years ago I was pretty liberal, and she was conservative. Over the years I've become much more conservative, and since she got a Masters degree in counseling, she has become very liberal. This doesn't impact how we raise our son or anything, but most of our mutual friends are extremely conservative. So when there's a drunken conversation about abortion, trans, etc, she's kind of on an island. I do empathize with that, and usually try to at least validate her opinions. But it's frustrating, for both of us.
When we went through this before, the therapist had us do that Love Languages book and worksheet. My language was physical contact, and hers was Acts of Service. When I think about our problems, it seems like such an easy fix. I could be nicer, communicate more, do more acts of service, etc, if only she'd meet even a little of my needs. Doesn't even need to be 50%. That's the frustrating part for me.
But anyway, I feel pretty at peace with things. It's hard to 180 (going out with friends, golfing, etc) with a child because it feels like I"m detaching from him too. But I"m going to try.
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
