So, I was here almost 5 years ago when W said she wanted to D. Typical 'I'm not happy, not in love with you, etc'. Later found out she was having some type of emotional affair with some idiot. I won't go into details, but I began DB'ing, we decided to try to save the marriage, went to counseling, and have remained married. Just as a quick rundown, I'm 49yo, W is 44, and we have a 13yo son.
Our therapist at the time was great. We were going weekly and things (while nowhere near perfect) were improving. Then covid hit and therapy stopped. We never went back, cause I think we both thought we were on pretty stable ground. But things have slowly been backsliding. Over the last 6 months or so, sex has stopped, communication has decreased, she sleeps on the couch again due to my 'snoring', etc. But, we've still been doing things on weekends, raising our son, etc.
Friday night she sat down and asked to 'talk'. Like Yogi Berra said 'it was like deja vu all over again'. Almost the same conversation as before. 'Unhappy, grew apart, different views on things, etc'. This time she swore on sons life that there is nobody else in the picture. Who knows.
Truth be told, I haven't been all that happy either, and divorce has crossed my mind a few times. But never seriously enough to break up the family. The next day she said she's not 100% sure this is what she wants, but is leaning heavily towards divorce. May or may not consider therapy again.
So, here I am, back again, almost the same situation. Honestly I don't know if I even want to work to try saving the marriage. But regardless, I have some reading to do, as I've not really thought about this stuff for a long time!
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
Terapin, welcome back and sorry you find yourself here again.
I agree you have reading to do. Obviously, you have to decide if you want to save your marriage. But I'm sure your son is why you are considering trying. And that's admirable.
As far as her swearing on your son's life, I don't buy it. My wife would have said anything rather than to admit that there was someone else. So I'd move forward assuming she's at least in some stage of another EA. And then proceed accordingly.
By the way, this is a very common tale. My first situation in 2005 was similar to your situation 5 years ago. We didn't deal with it and 12 years later same thing over again.
The good news? You, like me, knew about DBing so you could start DBing right away! Most LBSs come here after weeks, sometimes months. So if you do want to save it you're at an advantage.
We're here for you!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
As far as her swearing on your son's life, I don't buy it. My wife would have said anything rather than to admit that there was someone else. So I'd move forward assuming she's at least in some stage of another EA.
So did mine. At bomb day, mine said “I’ll swear on our kids’ lives I’ve always been faithful and there’s never been anyone else. You’ve probably been having an affair, and that’s why we’ve grown apart.” - she said all this, while actively attending church, while engaged in an affair with a guy from S’s soccer team.
She’s lying to you.
At this point, I think DBing is your second priority.
Your first priority is actually getting some IC to determine if you want to save this. The fact that you’ve thought about divorce from time to time is a huge red flag. While it’s admiral to stay together for your son, if the marriage remains crap or marginal, he’s actually better off with two happy and separated parents.
I wouldn’t do marriage counselling. Work out what you want before you even consider it.
Thanks. She could very well be talking to or even with someone. I don't know, and it's easy to delete texts and emails, so it would be hard to get proof (although it all eventually comes out).
I spent an hour today searching for my Divorce Remedy book but I must have hid it somewhere. lol. I ordered another. I remember the info being great, regardless of what happens.
But until it gets here, just out of curiousity, can someone give me some bullet points of the Last Resort techniques?
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
The last resort technique is utilized when one’s situation is extreme - spouse has declared in no uncertain term that they want a divorce and it was not just something said in the heat of battle; they have filed for divorce; the two of you are separated physically; or IHS with very little to no contact. The LRT does not cure the underlying marital problems. It does stop the left behind partner from engaging in behaviours that are pushing the marriage towards the exit door.
- Stop the Chase: No pursuing behaviour (frequent phone calls or talks, asking for reassurances, spying one’s spouse, buying gifts, etc.)
- Get a Life: Don’t be clingy or depressed around your spouse. Act as if. Focus on yourself. Do your hobbies and those things that bring joy to your life. Become, for you, the best version of you!
- Wait and Watch: The LRT, really any marriage busting efforts, takes time. Give it time. Give your spouse time and space. Allow their anger to settle and their other emotions (sadness, grief, guilt, remorse, etc.) to surface; which are more likely to aid in your efforts. During this time, “waiting” is not being still. It’s allowing time while moving forward in your own life.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
The last resort technique is utilized when one’s situation is extreme - spouse has declared in no uncertain term that they want a divorce and it was not just something said in the heat of battle; they have filed for divorce; the two of you are separated physically; or IHS with very little to no contact. The LRT does not cure the underlying marital problems. It does stop the left behind partner from engaging in behaviours that are pushing the marriage towards the exit door.
- Stop the Chase: No pursuing behaviour (frequent phone calls or talks, asking for reassurances, spying one’s spouse, buying gifts, etc.)
- Get a Life: Don’t be clingy or depressed around your spouse. Act as if. Focus on yourself. Do your hobbies and those things that bring joy to your life. Become, for you, the best version of you!
- Wait and Watch: The LRT, really any marriage busting efforts, takes time. Give it time. Give your spouse time and space. Allow their anger to settle and their other emotions (sadness, grief, guilt, remorse, etc.) to surface; which are more likely to aid in your efforts. During this time, “waiting” is not being still. It’s allowing time while moving forward in your own life.
D
Thanks. Appreciate it
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
I don't think your situation is quite ready for the LRT. DNJ did a great job describing it. I'd just start DBing: GAL, 180s, detachment. The time for the Last Resort Technique may come. Until then just go back to the basics.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
As far as her swearing on your son's life, I don't buy it. My wife would have said anything rather than to admit that there was someone else. So I'd move forward assuming she's at least in some stage of another EA.
So did mine. At bomb day, mine said “I’ll swear on our kids’ lives I’ve always been faithful and there’s never been anyone else. You’ve probably been having an affair, and that’s why we’ve grown apart.” - she said all this, while actively attending church, while engaged in an affair with a guy from S’s soccer team.
She’s lying to you.
At this point, I think DBing is your second priority.
Your first priority is actually getting some IC to determine if you want to save this. The fact that you’ve thought about divorce from time to time is a huge red flag. While it’s admiral to stay together for your son, if the marriage remains crap or marginal, he’s actually better off with two happy and separated parents.
I wouldn’t do marriage counselling. Work out what you want before you even consider it.
She may be lying. I got into her facebook account and there aren't any messages there, but like I said it only takes a second to delete them. I could try checking her phone, but again doubt I'd find anything.
I may call our old therapist and book an IC session.
She also mentioned how different we've become. Not to start a political debate, but 20 years ago I was pretty liberal, and she was conservative. Over the years I've become much more conservative, and since she got a Masters degree in counseling, she has become very liberal. This doesn't impact how we raise our son or anything, but most of our mutual friends are extremely conservative. So when there's a drunken conversation about abortion, trans, etc, she's kind of on an island. I do empathize with that, and usually try to at least validate her opinions. But it's frustrating, for both of us.
When we went through this before, the therapist had us do that Love Languages book and worksheet. My language was physical contact, and hers was Acts of Service. When I think about our problems, it seems like such an easy fix. I could be nicer, communicate more, do more acts of service, etc, if only she'd meet even a little of my needs. Doesn't even need to be 50%. That's the frustrating part for me.
But anyway, I feel pretty at peace with things. It's hard to 180 (going out with friends, golfing, etc) with a child because it feels like I"m detaching from him too. But I"m going to try.
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
It's hard to 180 (going out with friends, golfing, etc) with a child because it feels like I"m detaching from him too. But I"m going to try.
One great GAL to do is just take him without mom and do things with him. 13 is a great age to just go do fun guy things.
Absolutely. The problem is, I already take him to sports practices 2-4 evenings a week, and he has games/tournaments on most weekends. It doesn't leave a lot of free time for either of us.
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
