First of all, this is validation that strong DB techniques can flip the script.
Secondly, it reinforces that once you detach enough to wake them up, you’ll often find yourself in a position where you don’t know if you want them back.
He’s probably going to pile on the pressure for a quick resolution because now he’s vulnerable. He’s ended it with her, burned the bridge, but he doesn’t know if you’re going to take him back. He will be feeling very anxious and vulnerable, so he’ll try and accelerate this as much as he can.
It’s important that you do this very slowly. What you’ve told him - not moving back in, getting IC and alcoholism help, making sure he’s actually going to change - they’re all really good, sensible and measured responses from you. Well done.
Remember, you have the upper hand atm. Just because he’s struggling, doesn’t mean you should rush anything or be there to catch and save him. Let him sweat it. Let him feel the seriousness of his actions. The longer you make him wait, the more likely he is to actually do the work and learn the value of a trusting, monogamous relationship.
DNJ’s advice was spot on. You do you, you protect you, you love you - if he is really worth your time/effort/love/trust, he’ll prove it through actions no over time. So far (except for dumping OW) it’s mainly just words.
Thank you for quick & considered responses DnJ & Kind. I think you are both absolutely on the money. I feel very vulnerable & don't trust anything he is saying, even though it all sounds genuine. I am absolutely not ready to accept him back in my life at present and need to see more actions.
Kind - you're very astute! I do feel a pull to look after him & this was the previous dynamic in the relationship so I'm being mindful not to step into parent mode. I'm also balancing this with my ego, which is trying to jump for joy that I'm the chosen one! I absolutely know this is emotions, which is why I'm doing nothing just seeking advice on how to proceed slowly.
I've got good things planned over the weekend. A long walk with a friend and coffee & cake to follow, a night out with another friend and a coffee date with a different friend plus the usual walks and household stuff. Hoping all of this centres me again.
MA so glad to hear you don't trust him! So many LBSs, and LBWs in particular believe to much of what their WAS says. We've even had them say, "that's just the way I am, I'm a very trusting person."
So good job! And good job on the GAL!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Kind - you're very astute! I do feel a pull to look after him
I’m not astute. It’s just the type of people (like you and me) who end up at this website. We are fixers and people pleasers.
We have a marriage to someone who goes through a MLC or has an affair or is internally unhappy. They are so unsure why, they begin to blame their marriage. What happens then, is that people like us become caretakers of the relationship and the family.
But that doesn’t really fix the problem.
What ends up happening, is we keep our family together by being tolerant and submissive and nice - but that just delays the inevitable. While they start to burn their family to the ground in a desperate search for personal happiness, they learn that they can treat us like **** and we will still try to keep the family together. Now there’s no risk to them - and they keep being cruel and invest harder into their affairs.
They also build resentment towards us (because they want to have an affair or whatever) but we make it hard by demanding marriage counselling and trying to keep it together. What they really want is for us give up and leave them - that way they can be guilt free.
Cue eventual bomb day - broken LBS who has tried so hard to save the marriage, and an angry WS/WAS who blames us because we didn’t give them a free ticket to sleep with other people.
It’s all very predictable and repeatable.
Now that he’s started to wake up, it’s only natural that you have those internal feelings of nurturing and supporting him. That’s the type of people we are.
Ironically, if we weren’t caring and protective people, we wouldn’t end up at this site in the first place.
Ignore your instincts. This is his dumpster fire, and he needs to find a fire hose. YOU are the prize, and he needs to earn you.
Well, all I can say is you are all very knowledgeable! I feel like I've been thrown back into BD day. Lots and lots of similarities. First one I've noticed.. me thinking (wrongly) that my scenario is different. I was thinking... my H is different, he's showing remorse. He ended it. Turns out he sent the text to OW but then 2 days later they met again.
My weekend was full of optimism. He sent me lots of lovely messages, was talking much more meaningfully with the kids. He apologised to D for being a bad dad & said he had self referred to IC. All very hopeful. I responded to messages (in hindsight probably a bit too eager). Fast forward to today, he turned up at the house, was very complimentary, flirty & like his old self. We slept together, which was nice (but in hindsight, Im not going to do this again). Afterwards he told me he still wanted to get back together but he hasn't been able to break up with OW. He says he knows he wants me not her but she has something on him (lust?). He says he knows their relationship is going nowhere & they argue whenever they see each other & he leaves. Said the longest he's been with her is an hour over past few weeks. At this point something in me clicked that I'm back to the beginning of the game with a different deck of cards. It's very hard but I'm going to go back to detaching, not instigating contact & working on GAL. I'm aware of falling back in to fixer mode (he really needs to fix himself), which leaves my self worth minimal. I'm not sure how much I should have said to him (like I say, feels different but familiar). I told him that I didn't want to see him again whilst he is in another relationship & that I wanted someone who loves me & only me & who I can build my future life with. Not sure what the next steps will be but I'm aware that I need to tred with caution.
MA, very sorry to hear this. However, it is unfortunately predictable. So many LBWs try to fight fire with fire. WAH is sleeping with someone else so I'm going to compete and sleep with him even more!
All that does is feed a WAH's ego. So many guys fantasize about juggling multiple women. Most women do not want to share a man.
A couple of observations:
First, he sent her the text because you made him. That never works. He did what you wanted in front of you, then did what he wanted behind your back. Please understand, there's nothing you can do to get him to end his affair, he has to want to end it himself.
Second, go back and read your last post. He said. He said. He said. Remember, believe nothing he says. Nothing. He will tell you what you want to hear. He'll tell you what is convenient at the time. One thing he will not tell you is the truth. Cheaters are willing to do the most despicable thing in planet earth: cheat on their spouse. So lying is not even a second thought to them. If they'll cheat, they'll lie without fail.
Third, please schedule a doctor's appointment at your earliest convenience. You had sex with him while he's still having sex with her. Anything she may be carrying STD wise you are now at risk for. Do not jeopardize your health. Hi get checked out and then stick to your vow not to sleep with him until you know for sure his affair is over.
MA, refocus on good DBing. That's your sweat l way forward.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thanks Steve, really good reality check there. I was doingvreally well with Dbing & am fortunate in that I came across this forum before I asked him to leave the house & before I found out about OW for certain so been pretty much trying to DB from early days. Interestingly, I wonder if that is what has brought him back trying to offer me breadcrumbs? I shed a small tear today thinking of who he is now v's who he was then & how gullible I've been but didn't get sucked into emotional brain at all.
I've dusted myself down and back to DBing! I've messaged a friend about going out at the weekend and am about to book an amazing holiday for me & D(16) to celebrate her finishing school exams & give her a nice tan for prom! All is good & as my title suggests, I'm still learning the ropes.
Step 2 - Schedule an appointment with your doctor ASAP and get a battery of STD tests. Firstly, he may have had a different OW previously. Secondly, you need to consider the likelihood that OW has her teeth into more married men than just your husband. That’s very common. Potentially, you’re sleeping with him, he’s sleeping with her, and she’s sleeping with several men, and they all have wives. That’s a pretty wide net. You’re need to get tested as a matter of priority and stay away from him.
As for everything else - I’m sorry. This is what happens when you are stuck with a mid-life-crisis, affair fog, middle aged partner who chooses to blow up your family. What they say and what they do is often poles apart.
Just stay the course with DBing, it’s your ticket to happiness (whether that be alone, or back together in 5+ years).
And don’t beat yourself up. These people are master manipulators and liars, and you’re just a normal, trusting human being.
If you really want the best chance of OW getting cut off, you’d be wise to throw him out on the street, put all his possessions on the curb and change the locks. But very, very few people have the conviction to do that.
Thanks Kind. I honestly do think I'm doing OK. Hard to connect my H as I knew him with how he presents now. I did have an hilarious text message from him last night that said "I had a lovely day today, always feel a bit tearful when I leave". Seriously!!!! I just replied saying I can see that might be difficult for you & had no further contact. Planning on going dark again now & getting on with my life.
Health advice acknowledged & acted on. I asked him to leave our house early doors so he doesnt live with me & no plans for him to move back anytime soon whether he follows through with intended actions to OW or not.
Just booked and paid for 1 week holiday to Dubai with D in June so on with the fitness campaign to get that swimwear body (not quite confident enough for bikini yet)!!
I'm feeling confused. Something has shifted yet at the same time it feels like nothing has moved. All the comments above about actions rather than words were absolutely right. That hurt like he'll but definitely not as much as at the start of this journey. I've got questions I want to ask you vets. I am aware, I'm on a tightrope & I can easily fall off my path despite the strength & determination I feel.
My question is about communication. I rarely initiated communication & after H moved out, there was very little communication from him. This made detaching easier & over Easter, I reached a good place where I knew I could survive with or without H. As you know H appeared last Thursday & said he wanted to get back together, was going to leave OW etc etc. There's been a bit of slipping in and out of DBing from me since then and I want to get back on track. I'm working on GAL and that's still going well. I still want to stand for our relationship at the minute & I have no timeframe for this. If it happens, it will need a lot of work to make it last, if it doesn't happen, time (& GAL) will have allowed me to be in a better place.
Back to communication - how do I do it at this stage where he seems to be rapidly sliding towards depression? I want him to know I care but not in a cake and eat it way? I think I've been too accommodating. I'm still not initiating communication but the past few days, he has been messaging & he is in a difficult place. He's clearly not at the place where he can give OW up but also doesn't want to give us up. He's back off sick from work, can't eat & only gets relief from sleep. He's told D that he's still emotionally invested in OW but wants me. Both S and D sent him some pretty difficult messages last night & he's gone radio silent. I've been trying to use validation but I think he interprets that as I'm comfortable with how he is behaving. He needs to reach his own decisions & I think, because he's arguing with her, he is fearful that he will be left with nothing. It hurts like hell that I'm still the back up plan & I want to be able to approach communication the right way. Supportive but not a walkover. Any thoughts?
