Saving Pack through D, Pack_19 part V

[DnJ]

Good Morning Pack

Sounds like you are doing really well with your self-improvements and goals. Congrats on running a 5:15 mile.

Nice to read about the new house and how exciting it will be for the kids to see and play with their friends daily. I laughed at the image of bonking into all that living room furniture while wearing the VR helmet. VR is pretty amazing; how that visual and audio input creates our new, albeit temporary, reality.

…GAL, PIES, kids and my values. However, I cannot seem to let go of the things W told me at home in Munich. Things like how unlike that out of all the men out there you are the father of my children or I have analyzed my life and you are the one thing not working. Why do I still let those statements tumble the image I have of myself and the newly found admiration and respect for the man I am?

It does take time and effort to transmute the venomous words one’s once loving spouse says. For me, I had complete trust and faith in my wife, and therefore her words had unfettered access into my belief system. That is why your rational view of self gets skewed or tumbled about.

There are four paths we all walk - physical, intellectual, emotional, and spiritual. The first two, physical and intellectual, one can directly control - thoughts, actions, and reactions.

Emotions and feelings rise and fall. They are born and live in the non-rational realm of ourselves. And they are fleeting unless reinforced.

Beliefs. Those deeply held values and convictions, motivations for how and why one lives their life as they do, are very slow to change. It takes concerted purposefully effort to shift one’s convictions. That slow to alter is the very reason they make excellent headings for life. Strengthen those beliefs that serve, crafted convictions which you aspire to, and altered or discarded that which does not serve.

All four aspects of ourselves interact and exert influence upon all. Good physical labour influences feelings of happy, productive, sated, fulfillment, and so on. Positive thoughts encourage positive feelings and accompanying actions.

The same way negative begets negative. Feelings of depression lead to depressive thoughts and actions. Which in turn reinforce one’s feelings.

Beliefs are influenced as well, however they are most often more the underlying foundation of one’s life and choices (when followed or listened to, folks in crisis or emotional turmoil being an excellent example of running and hiding away from their value system).

The usual path towards healed and wholeness starts with that which we can control. We rationalize and do act as if. Intellect and physical activity. These directly controllable efforts influence our emotional self. This is the path of grief and loss, finding emotional understanding, acceptance.

The spiritual side, faith, belief, values, whatever one likes to call it, is deep within. You’ve likely hear the wise counsel of “answers will reveal themselves when you are calm”. This is most true. One can hear their deeply-held convictions when they are calm.

Like influencing one’s emotions state, thought and physical action can strengthen, craft, and alter one’s beliefs. It is a slow process. The transmuting of poisonous words for example. Getting to a place where those words have no power of you. We first understand that, then we even feel it, yet something still nags and tugs from within.

Altering a belief or value is a life altering event. After all, convictions are the underpinning of self. They are not fleeting like emotions, and not directly controllable like thoughts. The realization in organizing one’s belief system is actually organizing one’s self. Seeing and understanding the how and why of one’s life. It’s a life long pursuit.

When all four paths are aligned much peace and contentment is found.

…divorced and still fighting my demons and pushing me to live one day at a time, focused on building a wonderful, loving man who follows his principles and acts as a role model to S9 and S5. Crushing my PIES, but still broken inside and in need of good help from this amazing forum.

Fighting begets fighting. I made peace with my demons instead of trying to battle them down. Interesting when you listen and hear what your fear and such is trying to tell you.

I want to ask for help from other single parents. How do you balance your career and the time with the kids?

My four kids were teenagers and adults at bomb drop. Still, I needed to find a new balance.

We have a finite amount of time. There are only so many hours in the day. Therefore prioritize things accordingly.

In my situation I had sole custody, I am inferring you have your kids half time. When the kids are at their Mom’s do more Pack things.

If you have flexibility in your work, schedule those extra hours or career efforts - training, courses, OT, etc. - for time when kids are not in your charge. Your employer may even be able to accommodate. I know for some of my staff who had school pick ups and drop off we allowed modified start and end times to accommodate. A modified work day with the end result still being the same number of hours.

The home life, laundry, meals, cleaning, etc, can be a lot. Allow things to not be perfect. Kids really are ok with it. They truly just want to spend time with you.

I did hire a housekeeper for a few years. That was a nice. One less item on the pile.

It’s like the beliefs from above. You already know (and value) your best times - nerf gun wars and pillow fights. Your job is important. Realize you work to live, not live to work. No one ever lays on their deathbed wishing they worked more for their employer. You need not put your career on hold either, more put it in perspective.

I love my kids and the time and memories from the choices I’ve made. I’m now retired, and I’ll tell you I’ve no regrets prioritizing family before work. That is the overarching view, as obviously there were times when work had to be first.

We all have a finite amount of time to invest. And yes, finding that balance is tricky. Think quality of time over quantity of time.

And if you ever see me doing a 5:15 mile, you best run too; something really big must be chasing me! Lol.

Have a great day.

D