Saving Pack through D, Pack_19 part V

[Pack_19]

hi all,

Gekko, greenman, Ben, Steve, LH, Traveler and R2C thank you for staying with me through all of this. I have Sandi constantly in my head, the other day I met a woman who was into me and wanted to hear about my situation with the kids. I told her I had support from a M forum and she was positively impressed. She mentioned: "sometimes only the people who have lived through the same can help". I was sitting there thinking you have no idea how these people have saved me and shaped by hammer the man I am today.

I am 32, so yes nobody expects me to say btw I am a father and have shared custody of 2 children but hey that is who I am! 3.5 years since that dreadful summer day I came home to the words "I dont love you and I dont want to be with you anymore", divorced and still fighting my demons and pushing me to live one day at a time, focused on building a wonderful, loving man who follows his principles and acts as a role model to S9 and S5. Crushing my PIES, but still broken inside and in need of good help from this amazing forum.

I am rooted on my focus on my children and my PIES. I took them this weekend to see the new le mans cars in Portimao circuit and we had an amazing time, I bought the PS VR set to play with S9 and we had such good laughs (I was hitting all furniture in my small living room hahahaha) and I played padel tennis (I used to be a coach and he has realized he can really learn from me and after one hour he was asking for more time with me on the court) with S9 while S5 was helping us picking up the balls.

I have learned new moves in crossfit and improved my PRs, and I plan to continue. I have a group of friends there I look forward to seeing daily and I recently bought some adidas pro running shoes (at some point they got me running at 5:15 a mile) and I love them. I think if I keep training and competing I can improve my best times and probably get a decent marathon time this year. I recently re-read NMMNG and I am already paying the new home and very excited the kids will have a closed place to meet friends and play daily.

A cousin recently passed away with stomach cancer, she was 35 and had a D4. My sister and mom were devastated and I tried to be a rock for them. All the family has been deeply affected, I had entire nights thinking about death and not sleeping. I tried to use the experience to push me forward, think Pack life is short and you are no D, zero excuses you need to build a new life. I still read my previous threads here and listen to my golden nuggets, however now I think you are D, you are not getting anything back, nor would you want to after all that has happened. But you need these because they have fueled you to become the man you are now. Not sure if I am expressing myself properly.

So, as a summary, GAL, PIES, kids and my values. However, I cannot seem to let go of the things W told me at home in Munich. Things like how unlike that out of all the men out there you are the father of my children or I have analyzed my life and you are the one thing not working. Why do I still let those statements tumble the image I have of myself and the newly found admiration and respect for the man I am? Sometimes I think it would be easier to just have that device from the men in black movie and just erase my memory. Even though it is true those past regrets are what will keep me focused on improving and becoming the best role model for my children.

I want to ask for help from other single parents. How do you balance your career and the time with the kids? I spend a lot of time preparing snacks, tidying after them, I always do the school run, I attend all bday parties, I clean their clothes... and that unavoidably has an effect on my productivity and the time I can spend fully focused at work. Sometimes I think I should get help at home (my mum and sister already help me massively) but then I think I want to be close to my children and present. Maybe this is just a period of my life I need to park my career speed and focus on being with them otherwise I will regret it when they grow independent. Dont get me wrong, I love my job, I want a successful career and a ferrari, but the best time of the day is the pillow or nerf fight I have with S9 and S5 before bath time, I wouldnt change that for anything. I am just trying to find a balance and I wanted to ask here as maybe some of you can resonate and help me.


Updated PIES:
P - Improve my PRs in crossfit. Marathon under 3´30". Gain muscle weight, keep my wardrobe fresh. Chin up and chest out, I should be proud of the new man I have become. Practice my sexual kung fu and improve my diet.
I - Start a company or build a career that allows me to go racing as a hobby. Improve my driving and riding abilities. Learn about men and women.
E - Improve my active listen, show empathy, stay humble and work on improving myself as a man and father. Approach more women and start conversations. DETACH and think as the single man I am.
S - Accept I cannot control my way out of this, talk to God and be a role model for my kids.

thank you all, I so needed to come and post after these few weeks.