New to this! #2

[Rejoice]

I share a bed with him because it works for us. As I said, giving my husband the affection that was sorely lacking in our marriage before has been by far the most effective 180 I've pulled so far. H has mentioned more than once that without that change he would not have reconsidered the divorce at all.

From the many times I've read DB and DR, the entire point is to do the opposite of what you've always done. I've heard the opinions of dozens of folks, friends, family, people on this board. The vast majority would have me kicking him out of the bed, I know. But I must do what works for my H. There are also several success stories I have read in which the LBS took the approach that I am taking, giving more affection rather than less.

That is not to say that I am pursuing him or staying emotionally attached.
The two things are not mutually exclusive.
Detaching emotionally has been the second most useful tool so far. H absolutely notices when I have a laissez-faire attitude toward his actions and he doesn't like it... In a good way.
I know I will be okay no matter what the outcome and he realizes that. I'll be honest, I've been slightly petty from time to time and vaguely mentioned things like dating in conversation. He hates it.

Being present, listening to him, giving him the touch that he craves, laughing with him and making him laugh, helping him out much more than I did previously, and generally being an excellent friend--- while also declining to speak about the relationship, doing no begging or "I love you" behavior and having a vibrant and creative life of my own--- has gotten his attention in a major way. He went from ready to file for divorce, refusing to speak or even look at me, and spending every spare moment with his "friend," to voluntarily telling me (as recently as last night) that he does love me, that he does want to stay with me, and seeing his "friend" once or twice a week for maybe an hour or two.

Now, obviously that isn't something to celebrate quite yet. He has to come out of the fog of MLC or whatever this craziness is and do some incredibly intense work to prove to me that he can be the husband I need.

I also need to continue to prove to him that I can be the wife he needs. I know I am a brand new person, but he is very scared that things will slip back into the way they were. He's told me that he really needs to see that I can handle my bigger emotions without being so disrespectful to him. And I'm capable of doing that, now that I've gotten back to who I really am.

Side note, WAS's definitely notice even the smallest things. He's mentioned when I've done my nails, afraid that I was going out on a date or something. He's told me he likes various tiny things I've done that felt like part of the new me. I'm a professional artist and I'm creative in quite a few other ways so I've set a goal to create something every day. Obviously it helps my PMA, but a nice bonus is the fact that he notices and admires my creativity. So I've painted, I am turning several band t-shirts into cute tank tops with my sewing machine, I planted the flower beds and turned some throw away wagons into cute planters, I've changed out some home decor. One thing he takes notice of is my jewelry, so a while back I hopped on Temu and ordered a couple of dozen new things. (That sounds like a lot but everything on Temu is $1 or so.) So I'll wear a few new rings, bracelets, earrings, whatever. Makes me feel pretty and has that bonus of my H taking notice of yet another thing I've changed.

I guess I'm long-winded today. I spent a lot of time with friends yesterday and I'm feeling good.

Maybe this will help someone:
My faith has been my rock. When I've slipped up it's 100% of the time when I've taken my eyes off of God. For any believers out there reading this, put your trust in God. Know that He will get you through no matter what happens. Literally the day that I was finally able to let go of my fear and tell God that I trust Him no matter what, my H turned a corner in his attitude toward me. I pray all the time, every day, and when my prayers focus on the goodness of God, and blessing those who hurt me, rather than my own circumstances, it seems that everything else falls in line. When my prayers focus on myself and my sadness, things go poorly between H and myself. I have peace about my decision to not only stay, but treat my H with compassion and affection despite what he's doing to me, ONLY because God has been good enough to show me that that's the path I'm supposed to be on multiple times. If for no other reason than to have zero regrets when this is over.