Thank you for letting me know your ideas. I sense your frustration. The pot is yours I realize.I plan to keep the house and I am looking after it. Feel free to send me a list of what you want and I will look it over.
Absolutely agree with Kind And R2C....
Too many words...
Too many enticing conversational opportunities for you...
Home shopping network doesn't mean your home....
Did she ever do a formal "move out" ???
Or did she just throw some stuff into a bag, leave, and not come back ??
Rock, my concern is that the "let's make a list and split things up" is a trap. A trap to get you to communicate with her. She is feeling a loss of control based on your backing off communication. These kinds of requests do two things:
1. Get you to engage 2. Get you to quasi agree to what she is doing
Do not underestimate the power of #2. If she gets you involved in splitting things do up then she feels "oh good! He is agreeing to the divorce".
If you must respond (I still maintain no response is warranted), then make sure it is putting the work on her.
"Once you've compiled the list of items you would like to take, send it to me."
This makes her do the dirty work involved with the divorce. I'm a huge proponent of the LBS not helping the WAS leave them. The other thing this does is that if #1 and #2 above are at the heart of her request, it pulls the rug out from under all of that!
Finally Rockon, I highly highly highly suggest you get a lawyer. Communal property is a legal issue. I'd make sure that you get legal advice so that you know that your rights are.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Which ever of the above option feels the most uncomfortable to you, is most likely your best choice.
Do not fear her response.
I recently listened to Jorden Peterson talking about how important it is to learn to tell others NO. Very good skill to have during this phase.
She wanted to leave. She has left. Yet it sounds like she comes and goes as she pleases. Get legal advise and get her to stop. She needs you to give her a big dose of vitamin NO, this is not acceptable behavior. This is how she will respect you. Do everything in your power to gain her respect. She might get angry, which is always a good sign. She is still emotionally attached to you. When she is indifferent, then your probability of attracting her back goes way down. Until she respects you, she will not be attracted to you.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I think my most uncomfortable action is no response. Not jumping to process everything is a 180. I have been implementing the 24/48 rule. I don’t need to tell her I don’t want a divorce or a messy or expensive one. I have consulted a lawyer and have a sense of how things are in my jurisdiction.
I want to ask your ideas about where to go from here with money but I’m too tired to get into it tonight. As I discussed previously, DnJ, what we are doing about money has been working out reasonably, but I sense a need for some change. Will elaborate.
I think my most uncomfortable action is no response.
Yep. And proper DBing is often uncomfortable. That's why so many of us were so bad at it especially at first. It is uncomfortable because it is counterintuitive. What we've been telling you from the start.
Think about it like this. The old Rockon would respond. And look where the old Rockon got you. So from this point forward you have the opportunity to try to do things differently. Remember, same behavior, same results.
The best move is often the most uncomfortable move. It's like when a LBS moves out of the master bedroom. And when they learn that they shouldn't have done that the uncomfortable move is to move back into the bedroom. But it is the best move.
It's better to do the best thing rather than the comfortable thing.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I have been working on 180s. I declined an invite from MIL to Easter dinner. D and her BF had a great time over there for dinner and I was happy to hear that. I offered to drop S21 off for dinner there but he chose to go out of town with me for the weekend. I am looking after myself, our home and family. And I have stopped trying to facilitate W in family togetherness. She has chosen self centeredness.
We have separated some aspects of our finances and it has been working out reasonably for me. No shared credit cards. We each contribute amounts from payday into a shared account for mortgage, insurance, utilities, family living expenses (groceries over here and also for W and MIL, gas for local travel and work).
Personal expenses are from our own personal funds and W pays for her own travel. I chose to pay for family travel to see D and GD and other extra family functions and holidays (which in the past included W) out of my own money.
I have been considering making some changes but not sure which ways to go about it. I see value in budgeting family money towards family travel and planning ahead for more of the same whether W comes back to the M/family or not. What experiences have you had with this? I am thinking of devoting monthly amounts to this but not sure if I should just do that privately from my own personal funds or let W know that I have decided to do that from our family account and tell her she can access it for things she wants to do with our kids.
After the blow up and W’s wild texts to me the other day when W took a pot, I have not responded. The next day she asked to borrow a tool for her mom to use and if I could bring it to her. I said no problem she can use it but I was out. Later that day, I had it ready at the front door and was out when W came to get it.
…she asked to borrow a tool for her mom to use and if I could bring it to her. I said no problem she can use it but I was out. Later that day, I had it ready at the front door and was out when W came to get it.
Well done.
Originally Posted by Rockon
I see value in budgeting family money towards family travel and planning ahead for more of the same whether W comes back to the M/family or not. What experiences have you had with this? I am thinking of devoting monthly amounts to this but not sure if I should just do that privately from my own personal funds or let W know that I have decided to do that from our family account and tell her she can access it for things she wants to do with our kids.
You’ve got individual credit cards; and jointly contribute to mortgage, utilities, and family living expenses - groceries and the daily vehicle operation costs. This is more the non-discretionary expenses and spending of a budget.
Travel above and beyond the daily routine, as well as personal expenses is paid for individually. And falls into more the discretionary part of budgeting. The optional, hobbies, and fun times kind of things.
It follows along the lines of suggested communication as well. Bills and kids are non-discretionary, other stuff is discretionary.
From above: What value do you perceive in allocating joint contributions towards family discretionary travel?
In my opinion, informing W that you, without any consultation with her, nor agreement from her, decided to alter the financial status quo to fund family trips from the joint monies is likely to not go well. Neither will the gracious allowing her access to said monies for things she wants to do with the kids. Not to mention it opens up a can of worms that is best left undisturbed.
Originally Posted by Rockon
whether W comes back to the M/family or not.
You recognize W is not currently doing the family thing. Don’t fund that.
Let her’s and your discretionary activities be funded by each person’s own personal monies. Trips you take to see D and GD, a solo get-a-way, a weekend with the kids at Disneyland, etc., you pay completely for. Trips W takes, likewise she pays for out of her monies.
If the family account’s balance is growing, and exceeding a reasonable contingency for unexpected joint asset repair or replacement, then discuss and agree to return the excess to each person or to cease monthly contributions for the calculated time needed to whittle down the account balance. Are contributions 50/50 or prorated based upon salary? I’m think it’s the latter, if so a contribution reprieve of a few months would be less in one’s face than portioning out according to income level.
Hope that helps.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
“ What value do you perceive in allocating joint contributions towards family discretionary travel?
In my opinion, informing W that you, without any consultation with her, nor agreement from her, decided to alter the financial status quo to fund family trips from the joint monies is likely to not go well. Neither will the gracious allowing her access to said monies for things she wants to do with the kids. Not to mention it opens up a can of worms that is best left undisturbed.”
That resonates with my instincts about this and it’s helpful for me to read your input. Thanks. I will personally budget my autonomous resources accordingly.
Purpose-working on this one. What is my purpose at this stage of my life?
Here I am married and functionally single and in a place to discover and reinforce my purpose. Who am I apart from W? Who do I want to be? What is my calling? My purpose. Me as a man an individual in relation to God, myself and others. Acknowledging my past and patterns and choosing my path.
Will courageously explore this. Not interested in being wild and “free” of responsibility, regressing or my own MLC, but rather honest circumspection, reflection and growth.
