H is most likely the person that knows you best. After yourself of course. As such, H can wield intimate knowledge and shared history to push your buttons like no one else can.
Originally Posted by Rejoice
I reacted really badly. I couldn't stand the way he was talking to me…
One’s reactions are within one’s control. It helps to reframe how one speaks and thinks about things and these exchanges.
Couldn’t stand how… Cannot… This mindset unwittingly removes one’s control. After all, if one truly “cannot” then no power can overcome that. Example, I (DnJ) cannot become pregnant.
Couldn’t, wouldn’t, can, cannot, will, will not, do, do not, and try. You can see how certain words places one in control, and the other words effectively remove one’s control. Our minds are always listening and will craft our reality just as we ask them to.
I’ve no doubt H was disrespectful and kept needling you until you reacted. If you more “will not stand the way he was talking to you” rather than “couldn’t”, that is the realm of healthy boundaries.
The basic boundary template:
Setting: When you _____, I feel ______. I want __________ .
Enforcing: If you ______ I will __________ .
A boundary is useless unless you are prepared to enforce it. You will be challenged and tested on every one of your boundaries. So make darned sure you can and will enforce them, because if you don't you are wasting your breath and increasing the contempt they feel for you.
H, when you disrespect me, I feel sad and hurt and belittled. I want to have respectful communications with you, free from swears and yelling as well. If you yell, swear, or become disrespectful, I will leave the room and end the conversation.
Such a planned action lessens unwanted reactions, and helps with detachment. I’m sure you’d agree your emotions were somewhat hijacked in the exchange and you were dragged from your rational logical approach.
Originally Posted by Rejoice
Well I guess I have to start over.
It’s growth and learning. Build upon it. And you are not starting over from square one, you have experience.
Have a great Sunday.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
