I choose not to reply but just gave it a thumbs up.
New ways to interact on text:
If it is not a question, no need to respond. Do not respond with emojies.
A new one for me that sound good for men is to "only make statements". I heard this listening to Alpha Male Strategies. I need to clarify in my brain what this mean with good examples. This guy uses some questionable language, but I have found he has some good nuggets of wisdom. He is focused on helping young men interact with ladies better.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Thank you all for the advice, I did move back in the bedroom and she is sleeping in the man cave, she suggested that we swap one week she gets the bedroom and one week I get it. Should I not agree to that? Maybe I should say no thanks I like the bedroom better.
Well done moving back in there 💪💪💪
With regards to her proposal to alternate the bedroom:
Really bad answer - “Sure, that seems fair.”
(Anything which is submissive or trying to be nice).
Ordinary answer - “No, I’m staying here because you’re the one choosing to break our marriage.”
(Comes across like you’re butt-hurt and trying to punish or manipulate her)
Best answer - “No.”
That’s it. STFU. Don’t discuss. Don’t negotiate. Don’t provide reasoning. Leave as soon as possible. She may be angry, but she’ll respect you as a man who won’t be pushed around.
Quote
She may be having an affair she is a nurse and there is a doctor that she works with that she told me she is attracted to. She also seems go out a lot with her so called "girlfriends from work" at least once a week and usually does get home to late.
She most likely is having that affair.
The BEST way to deal with that is to do NOTHING. Don’t investigate, don’t ask, don’t demand to know why she’s out late, don’t stalk, don’t search her phone. The reality is that, IN HER HEAD, an affair is justified. So once you find out and tell her you know or make demands she end it, most likely she will feel threatened. She will probably say some typical WS bullshit like “This is why I had to leave you.”
The only way anyone ever snaps out of an affair fog is if they simultaneously work out FOR THEMSELVES that it’s the wrong thing to do, and simultaneously stand to lose everything suddenly.
If she admits to an affair, say nothing. No arguing, begging, pleading or crying. If you seem unaffected, it will confuse her. Then, the next time she leaves the house, move all her stuff into storage. Like everything! Then text her “I no longer wish to share my life with a cheat. Your stuff has been moved to storage at xxxx. The code to access is xxxx. My lawyer will be in touch.”
If she’s having an affair, that’s the best chance you have IMHO of turning things around.
Don’t do or say anything the old cschalla would have done. Do the opposite. Confuse her. Bring female friends (platonic) over for beers. Go out and party. Imagine her being around is a bit of an inconvenience.
99% of men (like me) who come to this site are submissive by nature, or have been beaten into submission by someone threatening to leave us. Men who are confident, outgoing, attractive and confident in themselves don’t come to this site - because if a woman is leaving them, they say good riddance and let them leave.
Please work on your own confidence and self love with a professional counsellor. You deserve someone who treats you well. And at the same time with your counsellor, identify what you did wrong in the marriage, identify your own faults - and prioritise the hard work to fix them.
Thank you all for the advice, I did move back in the bedroom and she is sleeping in the man cave, she suggested that we swap one week she gets the bedroom and one week I get it. Should I not agree to that? Maybe I should say no thanks I like the bedroom better.
We have been married 21 years, actually last Thursday April 6th was our anniversary. I saw her that morning and then I went out of town with my son to visit my brother. Nothing was said and then at 10 pm that night she texted me Happy Anniversary (so weird not sure what to think of this). I choose not to reply but just gave it a thumbs up. We have 3 Children oldest daughter is in college (19) middle daughter is a sophomore (16) and our son is in 8th grade (13).
She may be having an affair she is a nurse and there is a doctor that she works with that she told me she is attracted to. She also seems go out a lot with her so called "girlfriends from work" at least once a week and usually does get home to late.
Go back and read the posts on why you should move back into the bedroom. Those reasons haven't changed and agreeing to bedroom nesting would undermine your commanding respect and the fact that she is the one wanting to leave the marriage.
Do not read much into the "Happy anniversary" message. Likely she felt it unnatural to not acknowledge it. And that all it was. As LBS we love to attach significance to anything that we deem as a positive from our WAS, and downplay anything negative. Remember, actions speak louder than words. No matter that she is saying, what she is doing is the real truth.
Your last paragraph is a very common tale. Lots of WAS are also wayward spouses, turning into "Spouses Gone Wild". But here is the thing, don't dwell that just keep focusing on you and what you should be doing.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
now she said she definitely wants a divorce and went and talked to a lawyer. Does that mean it is over for sure? I wonder if there is any chance I can stop this? what can I do, if anything?
Her company has insurance where she can hire a lawyer pretty cheap but it is going to cost me 5K for a retainer. She says she is willing to be fair and wants me to just use her lawyer so we can save money but what if I get taken advantage of?
You need to seek legal advice on what to do and not do at this time. First and foremost, please make sure you have separate bank accounts and credit card accounts. If the cards are joint and she already as a new card, then she doesn't need to be charging on your joint card. If she is still on the card and charging, you will be responsible for those charges if she doesn't pay up.
As for using her lawyer, I don't recommend this. He/she is going to be working for her and looking out for her best interests. It's best to get your own lawyer and know what your rights are.
Is it over? I don't think so, not right now. Can you stop this? No, but you can find ways to delay it, if that is what you want. I wouldn't speak to her about anything legal at this time. This is now a business deal that has gone totally "south". You need to look out for you and your family.
I am sorry you are having to go through this, but educate yourself as much as possible on your rights. Keep focusing on you and if you are having discussions with her, keep them light and off the separation/divorce. Do not share all of what you are doing with her. She can't miss you if you are still sharing with her.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
now she said she definitely wants a divorce and went and talked to a lawyer. Does that mean it is over for sure?
No, that does not mean it’s over. The future is unknown and unwritten, and is therefore impossible to say with absolute certainty what will happen. All that happened is, she said she wants a divorce and spoke to a lawyer.
Your divorce busting is only over when you decide it is.
Originally Posted by cschalla
I wonder if there is any chance I can stop this?
You can only control you - your thoughts, actions, and reactions.
If W wants to push a divorce along, she can get one. You don’t want a divorce, so leave all that heavy lifting to her. You don’t block her, yet you don’t propel it along either.
There is always a chance for turning things around.
Originally Posted by cschalla
what can I do, if anything?
You need to give W plenty of time and space. Enough for her to choke on it. She needs to feel what it is/will be like to be divorced. Feel what it is like to lose you, to not have you in her life.
Realize she is blaming you for her unhappiness, for her lot in life, or whatever emotional turmoil/crisis she is embroiled in. Right or wrong, that’s how she feels. And she is looking to get away from what she feels is the cause. (By the way, no one is responsible for how another feels.)
You detach, and focus on you. Let time and space work on her. With some good fortune she may realize, in time, that you haven’t been around bothering her and she still feels unhappy. Then maybe she’ll realize that perhaps you aren’t to blame after all. And hopefully she’ll look to herself, start looking inward.
Get a life. Live your life.
No more relationship talks. She wants out. Begging, pleading, attempting to logic or reason with her will backfire big time. Basically, any of that will currently work against you.
Do not look look to her for any emotional support. And withdrawal your emotional support. She is firing you as husband. She needs to feel that loss. And by the way, if you don’t give her space she will take/force it.
This Divorce Busting path/efforts may not save your marriage; it will for sure save you and make you a better person. And it does gives you the best chance at saving your marriage.
Originally Posted by cachalla
Her company has insurance where she can hire a lawyer pretty cheap but it is going to cost me 5K for a retainer. She says she is willing to be fair and wants me to just use her lawyer so we can save money but what if I get taken advantage of?
Get your own lawyer!
Do not utilize the same lawyer. In my locale, each party must have their own legal representation. W and I could not use the same L.
You definitely do not want to get taken advantage of. Having your lawyer ensures they are only working for you, and for and on your interests.
Do shop around before paying down the retainer. Speak to a few different L’s and see what they say, how you feel about them, how knowledgeable they are, and what their costs are. My W wanted a straightforward divorce with no going to court. My L stated a flat fee for that service. If we ended up in court, then it was an hourly rate.
Realize W is no longer on team cschalla. She is on her own team. Do not tell her of the information and rights you learn from your lawyer. For now gather information, you need not act upon it. However, if the time come when you do, you will have much leg work done.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
I am going to echo much of what he been said already
DBing is about giving yourself the best chance at a future reconciliation. It is not a guarantee of successfully avoiding divorce. Many of us came here hoping for the quick fix. The magic bullet. The do this or say this and your marriage will be saved. Unfortunately, that's not the way it works. There are no quick fixes. These things tend to remain in limbo for a long time.
Also many WAS have claimed they were done and definitely want a divorce. I'm my own situation my wife was done. Insisting she wanted a divorce. No if, ands, or buts about it. Even when she started to have second thoughts about divorce she still insisted it was what she wanted. Weeks into it she was starting to act as if she didn't want it and still hadn't filed. And we are still together today happier than we've ever been. I don't say that to give you false hope (read my last paragraph again), but to say no it also doesn't mean that it still can't turn around.
We've had lots of LBSs that have insisted that they can't afford a lawyer. I always counter with you can't afford not to have a lawyer. It's similar to having surgery, do you want to have a surgeon you can trust do the surgery? Of course you would no matter the cost.
Keep DBing. If she files for divorce, if she doesn't file for divorce, keep DBing. No matter what the future holds focus on becoming your best self through DBing. And let the chips fall where they may.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
