Was a big day supporting S with healthcare and it went well. W and I shared relief and gratitude for the positive progress.
Later in the day, W dropped by to get a cooking pot. D and I were home. I asked W if she would bring the pot back after she used it. W said, you aren’t using it. I said I plan to use it, D also uses it and that I need her to talk to me about taking things from our home. She said that I can buy my own pot and explained that this pot was a gift to her from her friends. I replied thank you for reminding me it was a gift to you, I forgot that. And I did not try to prevent her from taking it. She has been taking other things from our home without discussing it with me. She said angrily, you can’t have the whole house and everything in it and slammed the door as she left.
I apologized to D for our fight in front of her acknowledging that it impacts her and told her I am trying to work things out fairly with W. D replied no one was talking to W the way W was. D had somewhere to be, gave me a hug and went out. This morning, D and I had a conversation. I asked if she had any questions for me. She asked if W and I discussed it any further after what she witnessed. I said we did a little by text. I told her it’s important to me that I am fair to W. D said she has some questions for M but doesn’t want to get in the middle and doesn’t want to complicate things. I told her it’s important for her to be able to be honest with W and I about her feelings and to be able to voice her questions and speak up for herself. I said that I want to be open and honest and share what I am able to within my limits but that D can ask me anything. She said she was satisfied for the time being.
W texted me several times after the incident, both last night and today:
“ every time I’ve asked you for something you’ve either said no or given me some crap about me borrowing it. So why would I ask?”
“ Let’s just make a list and split things up then. I’ve tried to be generous and patient, but you are obviously not on the same page“
“ Not being able to let go of one pot makes me think that you are wanting a messy and expensive divorce. It’s just so childish and sad. There might be things worth fighting over, but I just don’t see how that pot is one of them”
I am planning to give this 24 - 48 hrs before responding.
I went out got a haircut and met up with Pastor for dinner.
“ All of the people that I know who have been through this before have chosen generosity and peace in the hope of having a good relationship. I just can’t understand why you would want to be controlling and greedy instead. It breaks my heart. It feels like you must want me to use our money to by duplicates of things that we own. I’ve been trying not to do that to keep that money for home repairs. If we can’t afford to maintain the house we will have to sell it. So I’m being as frugal as possible, using things that we already own instead of buying more stuff. I cannot have a 5 minute argument with you every time I need something.
My first draft response ( have not sent ):
Thank you for letting me know your ideas. I sense your frustration. The pot is yours I realize.I plan to keep the house and I am looking after it. Feel free to send me a list of what you want and I will look it over.
I agree. Thank you for letting me know your ideas. I senseunderstand your frustration. The pot is yours I realize.I plan to keep the house and I am looking after it. Feel free to send me a list of what you want and I will look it over.
The "I agree" is intentionally confusing, as well as shows that you are willing to work on this difficult issue with her.
The I understand also shows that you are frustrated as well.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
These crap interactions will continue… because you keep interacting with her.
Your number 1 goal should be to STOP all interactions.
The crux of this problem is that she can keep coming and going and taking stuff. While you keep allowing that, she’ll keep doing it. Change the locks and then text her. “I’ve changed the locks with my lawyer’s approval. Send me a list of everything you need from the house and I’ll have a look over it.”
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I apologized to D for our fight in front of her acknowledging that it impacts her and told her I am trying to work things out fairly with W. D replied no one was talking to W the way W was. D had somewhere to be, gave me a hug and went out. This morning, D and I had a conversation. I asked if she had any questions for me. She asked if W and I discussed it any further after what she witnessed. I said we did a little by text. I told her it’s important to me that I am fair to W.
Reading between the lines, it sounds like you’re seeking out validation from your daughter. You need to behave how you behave without seeking her validation about it all the time. The best way to prioritise your daughter’s wellbeing in this difficult time is not to fight with your wife in the first place. And how do to do that? STOP INTERACTING WITH WIFE.
Place yourself in your daughter’s shoes. You are at an impressionable age. You have a Mum who has gone off the rails. You have a Dad who lets people treat him like cr*p, continues to allow arguments to happen in front of you… and then comes to you for comfort!
Your daughter must feel like she is the only sane one, stuck inside some pathetic drama TV show.
Your daughter will learn more from you if you stand up to your wife, put boundaries in place and start being a strong, confident man. And to be honest, I’m sure that’s what she’s secretly hoping for.
Remember: informational texts require no response.
Questions get answered in your own time (not right away) and in as few words as possible. Yes or no questions get yes or no answers.
These texts from her are disrespectful. You have every right to not just let things fly out of the door. If she pushes this is remind her that she is the one leaving the marriage and the house and therefore should figure out how to furnish and supply it.
Hang in there Rock. I know this stuff is difficult. Just keep on moving forward.
Last edited by SteveLW; 04/12/2311:23 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
The crux of this problem is that she can keep coming and going and taking stuff. While you keep allowing that, she’ll keep doing it. Change the locks and then text her. “I’ve changed the locks with my lawyer’s approval. Send me a list of everything you need from the house and I’ll have a look over it.”
What I mean by this - you’re not breaking the mould. MWD says what you’ve done isn’t working, so you have to flip the script, not keep doing the same old thing.
After what happened the other day, nothing has changed. Tomorrow she could come and take another pot. Then you’ll argue about it again in front of D. Then she’ll take the pot. Then you’ll bail up daughter afterwards and tell her “I’m trying to be fair to W” to come across as a nice guy.
Then, a day later, she’ll come and take something else. Rinse and repeat. You’re being passive and she’s walking all over you, because she knows you’re trying to nice her back.
You’re actually ENABLING W’s crap behaviour.
As for your IC’s strategy of dealing with your wife, I think it’s wrong. Certainly doesn’t seem to be making things get better. Perhaps you should seek out a second opinion?
Good luck Rock!
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Remember: informational texts require no response.
I’m glad son’s heath needs and supportive care went well and is having positive progress.
Is W still living with her Mom? Does W still have free rein of the home? As in, she comes and goes as she pleases?
I suspect she legally still has rights to enter the home. (I’m thinking you spoke to a lawyer regarding the business side of things already.) As such, W could/can borrow things as much as you can.
This pot, she figures is her’s. Yet she asks to borrow it? (Folks don’t ask to borrow their own things. And I’m pretty sure her Mom has cookware.) Then she gets upset, and blames you. No matter how it went, you would have likely been blamed for something.
Originally Posted by Rockon
All of the people that I know who have been through this before have chosen generosity and peace in the hope of having a good relationship. I just can’t understand why you would want to be controlling and greedy instead. It breaks my heart. It feels like you must want me to use our money to by duplicates of things that we own. I’ve been trying not to do that to keep that money for home repairs. If we can’t afford to maintain the house we will have to sell it. So I’m being as frugal as possible, using things that we already own instead of buying more stuff. I cannot have a 5 minute argument with you every time I need something.
I’d not give this much credence. Consider the source. Of course W would like you to be generous and be peaceful when splitting up assets or holding her accountable. And she asserts that you are greedy and controlling. Basically she’s working her narrative, blaming you, and justifying her behaviour and actions. Be wary of her manipulating of the situation.
If you cannot stop W from borrowing things, or ensuring she has to bring them back (joint ownership), you have a few options.
You can keep doing what you are doing - interacting and getting drawn into her narrative.
You can limit contact with W to bill and kids. If she come over to get a pot. Shrug. Don’t fret about it. Especially if you legally cannot stop her. Don’t engage with her over it. For no matter what you say or do, she will find fault or make fault up.
How to not engage. Unless she just shows up unannounced, she would have called or contacted you. A text about coming over to borrow stuff is not about bills and kids, so no reply required.
Be elsewhere when she arrives. If she is unannounced - leave. Go do something. Anything but get drawn into an argument or relationship talk.
If W takes the pot, go buy one for yourself. If she starts removing lots of “jointly owned” things, you may have to seek a legal solution before your house is bare. Not saying that is going to happen. However, being prepared in case of, is a good idea.
Good for you giving this 24-48 hour before replying. Personally, I’m leaning towards no reply.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
I’d even go a step further and completely flip the script. Remember, what you’re doing (trying to nice her back) isn’t working.
“The sooner you write a list proposing how we split possessions, the sooner I can get on with my life. I’m not interested in you collecting a few things every now and then in a piece-meal fashion. I need certainty too. Please send it via email at the earliest opportunity.”
