Thank you Kind, Cadet & Joseph. Since your posts, I've started looking at some of the threads on the MLC forum, which have been really helpful. There is so much information out there on the Internet. I find this site fits with how I view my situation. I am also guilty of desperately searching for certainty on the wider web (I know! This is me hankering for control of a situation that is out of my control), when I do this I'm back down a cheese tunnel so my aim for the next week is to really notice what I am doing that is helping me detach and what I am doing that fire's up the fear monster.
I don't know how well I'm doing with all of this. It still feels a bit of a minefield.
In terms of GAL, I think this week has been pretty good. It's a bit sad that I feel proud of this but I've defrosted my fridge freezer myself & plan to tackle a flat pack chest of drawers tomorrow. I've always considered these jobs as H's role so will be really happy if I can put together the chest of drawers independently (& I managed the fridge with the aid of a hammer & chisel & a few tears). I've had coffee with friends, walked 4 miles every night & had a lovely night out with friends tonight.
I'm starting to feel more detached. It still fluctuates & I can still get sucked in to responding emotionally but I'm starting to see this is a long game. H is still in affair fog. There's no penetrating that & pointless even trying to. I'm looking better than I have for a while & getting lots of compliments (I think its the 40lb weight loss!). Its still really hard & haven't quite managed a day without tears since BD (14th Feb) but definitely not as intense or frequent as previously.
You are doing well! Bomb drop was a mere six weeks ago. And you are navigating the minefield nicely.
Yes, seeing the long game shows a level of detachment. Like you say, H is shrouded in affair fog. It’s rather pointless to try to penetrate it; thick and occluding it is. Likewise, H cannot see outward clearly. His entire world view has a haze to it.
Congratulations on the weight loss. I managed to keep the 35 pound of my divorce diet off permanently.
I do understand that feeling of pride from accomplishing what was once our spouse’s tasks. No need to belittle that, or look at it as sad. True, the impetus of this growth was terrible, yet the growth itself is excellent. More independent, confident, assured, and so on.
Please, do let me know how the the chest of drawers goes. Personally, I believe you will carefully read and follow the instructions, and will assemble it just fine.
The defrosting of the fridge. A hammer and chisel. Eek! It’s best to just let the ice to melt, and chunks to fall off on their own. Prying and hammering has the high chance of damaging the thin-walled interior which can allow coolant loss. I truly hope that did not happen. My first defrosting, I ended up having to purchase a new fridge after prying and trying to speed up the process.
Sounds like you’ve had some wonderful walks and time with friends. And four miles! Each night. Impressive.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
The defrosting of the fridge. A hammer and chisel. Eek! It’s best to just let the ice to melt, and chunks to fall off on their own. Prying and hammering has the high chance of damaging the thin-walled interior which can allow coolant loss. I truly hope that did not happen. My first defrosting, I ended up having to purchase a new fridge after prying and trying to speed up the process.
When in doubt YouTube it. I call it YouTube university
M:51 W:43 T:17 M:15 S:13 D11 10/2022 BD/IHS 03/2023 W moves out
It's been 10 days since I posted & 8 weeks since BD. I continue to ride the roller coaster but I'm starting to notice & anticipate the twists and turns. I've been reading all the other posts both on here and in MLC thread with interest.
An update on the independent home activity - the fridge survived my hammering & is still working and defrosted! I got frightened of the flat pack & it sat in the corner for a while. I went away to stay with parents over Easter & when I returned, son (19) had put it together for me. So so proud of him, although I do still need to conquer my fear of flat packs!
I've had no contact with H for 7 days. I saw him last week when he called to get sons car keys to take to garage. It messed with my head a bit & I did some things that I've learned not to do, possibly the reason for not posting. I've not given myself a hard time about this and oddly, I feel that it gave me more reason to detach. I'm noticing all was definitely not rosy in our marriage and most certainly is not now. I can see (conscious or unconscious?) that he is 100% trying to keep me onside as a back up plan and I am worth more than that.
I've been doing lots of reading on attachment & learning about my own attachment to the ideal of a marriage, a long term partner & a happy family. In my heart, I view our relationship like this but my head is starting to stand up to my emotions & I can see that we were far from ideal and holding on to this false perception keeps me hooked in and pining fir something that hasn't been there for a long time.
GAL wise, I'm still walking. I've booked an appointment with the doctor for my knee. It's been 7 weeks and no change so I'm thinking I may have an injury & possibly trapped nerve. When the knee gets sorted, I'm joining the gym. I'm saying yes to nights with friends & trying to listen to the kids when they say they don't want to see / contact their dad. Previously, I've been a bit controlling over this not wanting their relationship to suffer but I'm trying to let go.
On the downside, it's so hard. I'm still upset most days but the tears are less intense and for much shorter periods. I think Kind18 posted on someone's thread with a bit of his timeline of distress & I found this helpful. The fear is still there bit its lessening.
Yes the rollercoaster is real. Knowing that it is real and that others go through it doesn't make it any easier. The Key is self control. When you feel like you have to reach out or something similar remember that doing nothing is doing something. We all get tempted by the illusion of action. That's probably what happened when he contacted about the keys. Your mind tricked you into believing there were actions that you should be taking.
Someone recently said in someone else's thread to always take a step back and think. Never do anything as a reflex, but always consider what you are about to say or do, and then apply what you are learning.
MA remember it will get better no matter what. Have patience with yourself.
Last edited by SteveLW; 04/11/2305:42 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thanks Steve, I've never been great with silences. I like the concept of doing nothing is doing something. I can see its already a lot better than it was immediately post BD. It sort of lures you into a fakse sense of security though. You think you're ok & then wham, out of the blue you're back on the roller coaster about to go down a big dip!
You have been choosing LOVE for a long time, almost to the point of having blinders on. In order for the relationship to work both people must choose to LOVE. He is not choosing that and you are doomed for failure in your relationship until that happens. I am not saying that he can not turn around but usually it is only when you stop pursuing and are not available to him. Men love the chase. So keep doing nothing, as far as he is concerned.
But start doing things for YOU. Don't waste time looking over your shoulder, get moving forward and living your life.
So big help and advice is needed. H rang tonight and asked to come round to speak. He was tearful, said he was sorry & that he has known for a few weeks that he has made a mistake. He made all the right comments. He apologised (several times), said he had no right to ask me to try again but that he realised that what he has with OW is nowhere near what he has with me. Said that I've always been in his mind but he felt so guilty at what he has done, he thought I deserved better & tried to keep away. He told OW tonight that he couldn't be with her & he text her to end it whilst I was there. He has deleted the communication app they used and deleted all her text messages. He said he will go to IC & is willing to give me access to phone and put his self back on family tracker.
I said that I did not want him to move back in, that I was worried this was not genuine and wouldn't last & that if there was any chance of r then he needed to stay in his flat & work on the relationship & himself from there. I asked him why he had chosen to cheat rather than walk away & he said he didn't want to lose me but also was unhappy and she gave him a boost. He said he knows its not a boost he needs & that he wants us.
To remind you of background, he's 52, I'm 53. Reflecting back, I think he's been depressed for a few years and rather than talk about feelings, he's drunk more and more alcohol, which has resulted in resentment for both of us and lots of circular arguments. No previous infidelity, went on work night out in Dec 2022, she pursued him, he slept with her & admitted to affair Feb 14th. I asked him to move out when he wanted to continue to see her & he moved out Feb 28th 2023.
I feel a bit blindsided. I need some practical advice on next steps. It feels like there has been some action tonight but I know from here that many reconciliations fail when it happens too soon. Any recommended reading / previous threads / wisdom from vets is greatly appreciated. I was just starting to feel stronger & I'm really scared to go back to where I was. I've been pretty good so far in following DB, just the odd blip when my emotions have taken over.
You are wise to be wary of H backsliding. He is most likely feeling quite genuine at the present moment. Ah feelings. You’ll want to see consistent demonstrated proper behaviour from him, not just words based upon his mood.
Do have him remain in his flat for a time. If he is serious about changing and awakening he will pursue. He is still hurting and broken, do not attack or demand answers to the multitude of questions you surely have. The answers will come in time. And the need for answers which is currently so pressing has a way of becoming less so as things progress.
Let H set the pace. More or less. He has a lot of guilt and regret and shame and such, and will sometimes need to unplug for a bit to find his center. For the LBS, there is a lot of bitting one’s tongue and remaining quiet/nonjudgemental during a reconnection. The WAS will be fearful of our reaction to their transgressions.
Sandi2 had a good list of items the returning spouse must do to demonstrate their willingness and wanting to reconcile. One of the items was to end things with the affair partner and to do that in the LBS’ presence. Sounds like H actually did that.
Originally Posted by MA1970
I was just starting to feel stronger & I'm really scared to go back to where I was.
Yes. Keep moving and living forward. You don’t go backwards, you let H catch up to you.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
