Detaching

[DnJ]

Good Morning Rock

I hope Easter and your weekend are enjoyable.

D

[Rockon]

Very enjoyable. I declined an invite from MIL to Easter dinner, saying I had previous plans and have taken S21 into the mountains for a great adventure bonding and celebrating his great work on his health and healing and enjoying our fun-loving outdoors volunteer community. Eldest S was up for a day and D20 is arriving later on.

Remembering Messiah’s death and celebrating Resurrection today. Putting my trust in the LORD and not leaning on my own understanding , acknowledging Him in all my ways today for Him to direct my path.

[Mach1]

As far as goals....

I can't say that I'm aware of any that you have.

What are your goals for you ??

1- healthy: physically - running, lifting weights, focus on nutrition/sleep/preventive health approach/stress management, emotionally - therapy, relationally - growth in how I show up in relation to others, spiritually - prayer/scriptures/service to others, financially - create wealth/plan retirement/give generously

What methods are you following ? What steps do you have outlined to get there, and how will you know when you DO get there ???

2- lead myself: follow my purpose, my calling, develop my leadership

How does this fall into your #1 goal ?

3- host people in my home: family dinners, bible study/growth group, occasional parties

Have you always done this ? When is your next one ?

4- travel

Where are some places that you would like to see/visit ?

5- music, dance and arts

What kind of arts/music/dance ?

What are some changeable behavioral patterns that you can recognize and start to change ??

1- I have started to change a pattern of being defensive or minimizing when I have felt attacked. I am not making excuses.

Explain what that looks like, and how you are changing that ?

2- I am getting unstuck from unhelpful, inflexible stubbornness.

How ?

3- I am growing in empathy - to see and hear and feel what those close to me want/need me to know about their experiences, their needs and wants.

Expand on this a bit....

Is it just an awareness ??

Who do you hold accountable IF you fail at them ???

1- myself

Have you always done that ??

Then why are you pursuing that ?

Ok, when I am aware, mindful, conscious of where we were and where I am now, I do not pursue going back to the way things were. Autopilot kills. I am still learning and understanding more about how bad it was. And I am determined to be accountable and honest and choose how I proceed consciously, purposefully and intentionally.

You may not be pursuing the old relationship constantly, yet you are pursuing the other person that was in that relationship with you.

Almost like you are putting yourself into situations so that she can see how much you are changing..



So let me ask you this....

IF she came to you today, and wanted to work on things...

Are you the person that you want to be in your next relationship ??

Would you want to be in a relationship with yourself ???




Thank you for outlining your goals....

I would just like for you to be a little more specific ...

The broader your goals are, the easier they are to circumvent and find excuses if you don't achieve them...


I.E.

5- music, dance and arts

I am going to see 5 live music shows before the end of the year, I'm going to a retro Disco bar twice, and I am planning a trip to Chicago to see the art museum.


Pinpoint your goals.....Pinpoint your growth.....

Make sense ??

[Ready2Change]

Attraction:

Purpose
Grounded masculine power
Kindness
Confidence
Interests
Intrigue
Ability to take care of a woman

Rate each of these on a scale from 0-180 how much different you are now behaving from your behavior before arriving here. This is just an exercise in self awareness.

Do you have Humor in your list? Do you make most women you interact with laugh? What about the men? Laughter is a response to surprise. Is this area that could use a 180?

One of my favorite things to do now is to always answer "challenging questions" with an over the top YES. For example:

My beard is mostly grey, with some brown. I will color parts to make it more symmetrical. While out this past weekend, one of the guys asked "Is that just for men?"...My immediate response was an enthusiastic "Why yes it is!" with a big grid on my face. Not the response most guys would give. The other guy got a chuckle at my response.

[Rockon]

Pinpoint your goals.....Pinpoint your growth.....

Make sense ??

Makes perfect sense, yes

[Ready2Change]

Pinpoint your goals.....Pinpoint your growth.....Make sense ??

Aim small, miss small. It is better to have a 1 cm dot and aim for that rather than a 1 inch dot. Be very precise on what you are aiming for. It should be attainable, but not too attainable. IE do not put the target soo close that you hit it every time, but not so far that you never hit it.

Goal: Make someone laugh today. That might be too easy, or that might be a good starting goal. If you make one person laugh every day for a week, maybe up the goal to 3 a day.

Did you arrive here as in introvert or extrovert? Introverts need to learn to interact more, while extroverts need to learn to STFU and make it about the other person. After you learn new ways of behaving, you can float anywhere along the scale.

[Rockon]

So let me ask you this....

IF she came to you today, and wanted to work on things...

Are you the person that you want to be in your next relationship ??

Would you want to be in a relationship with yourself ???


Yes, I am that person, in process. I’m not there and I don’t believe I’m very close to being ready. What I mean by that is as follows:if she said she wanted to work on things, I would want to be clear on what I am ready and willing to do. So far, I am trying to consistently do the right thing at the right pace for myself and our family. As far as a R with a new person, I have a lot out of healing to do first. And I would imagine that would take time.

And I have blind spots, but yes as far as I can see, I would want to be in a R with myself. I have been reflecting on some things that W has told me about her experience in our R. I had said to her, “I know you and yet I really don’t. You said that S doesn’t know what it has been like in our M. I don’t know what it has been like for you. I don’t know your experience.” That opened the door and she told me things about her hopes and dreams for our M that I never knew.

And I have a lot more awareness and understanding to bring into a new R (with W or someone else) when I am ready.

[Rockon]

Rate each of these on a scale from 0-180 how much different you are now behaving from your behavior before arriving here:

Attraction:

Purpose-working on this one. What is my purpose at this stage of my life?
Grounded masculine power-180. Made some 180 changes here so that I consistently am this way. Really for me this change is related to stopping behaviors that were me being needy after BD.
Kindness-180. I was kind before but I have made a dramatic shift to seek to understand what kindness from me would look like to others and also to change the way I show up from being a nice guy to being string and acting in kind ways. This is more
Confidence-180. I am doing what it takes to gain confidence and also project an air of quiet calm not boastful confidence.
Interests-180. So I hav some new interests but my 180 has really been in investing in my interests whether they are new or not. Like for example, playing hockey. I have played on a team this season and prioritized it. I have been a really good teammate and made hockey night a great night for me.
Intrigue-120. I am doing new things for myself that i am interested in trying, like dance lessons for example. And I’m not telling people, not that it is a secret, just that I want some intrigue. Certainly not telling W-no reason to.
Ability to take care of a woman-180. This is an area I have come to understand that I did not do well in our M with some of the things W has told me. And she told me that one of the ways she feels loved is by me taking care of things:myself, our home, our vehicles, our family and her. And I didn’t understand love languages and was stubborn and inflexible in ways that interfered with taking care of her. I won’t go back to being that way in a new R. This is very important to me and I want to be thorough in learning how to be a combination of strong, dependable and flexible.

And humor, yes I love making people laugh!

[Ready2Change]

Rock,

Thanks for sharing the details. The specifics help us know you better.

Making the positive changes is a never ending process for me. My BD was back in 2008, so I have been at this for like 15 years. I try and figure out what my weakest area is and work on that. Relationships with other people help shine a light on my issues.

[Rockon]

It’s been a big day. Will post about it soon. In the meantime I am well and on track.