My wife told me she wanted a divorce and after tryin the last resort technique she has now agreed to a trial 3 month separation. The problem is that we can't afford for one of us to move out. So I am sleeping in my Man Cave and she is sleeping in our bedroom but we still live under the same roof and see each other daily. We work together on things regarding the kids, finances and running the home.
My question is how do we give each other space? We still ride to the gym together, got to the store, church etc. Should I pull away and not do any of those things with her?
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Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted by Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
I am sorry for the situation you find yourself in. Not many events in life hit like our partner wanting to leave/divorce.
It sounds like you have read Divorce Busting by MWD, as you reference the last resort technique. Do keep the the DB book and other resources close to your vest. Do not share or tell W about them, as that will most likely push her in the opposite direction as it will come across as manipulative.
At the moment, you and her are like oil and water in your desire for the relationship. You want to save it, and she wants out. You are correct she needs ample time and space to be allowed to perhaps decide differently.
You mention trying the LRT. How long did you try that? What did you do before the LRT? (It is usually “last” resort.) When was bomb drop? How did that go down? How firmly has she declared her intent to divorce?
Some other useful info to better tailor our advice and suggestions: How old are you and W? How long married? How many kids? Ages?
I’d not move out of the house. It’s best if you stay in the master bedroom in my opinion. When did you start sleeping in the man cave? How long do you consider you and her in house separated?
Originally Posted by cschalla
My question is how do we give each other space? We still ride to the gym together, got to the store, church etc. Should I pull away and not do any of those things with her?
Basically, W needs to feel what it is like to be separated. Her still riding along out of convenience for her is not helpful in the long run.
If you have two cars, it’s a pretty easy solution. Go separately. If you only have one car. Still, go separately. That’s the “separate” in IHS.
You’ll know if/when she wants to not be separated. Until then, listen to what she has asked (demanded) for, and give it to her.
It’s treating her more like a roommate than your wife. You remain kind and cordial, and give her lots of time and space.
While IHS, you can still invite her along for family outings. Something like, “hey W, the kids and I are going to the park to play ball. Want to come along?”. If she tags along, great. If she doesn’t, great. You are going with the kids, and it’s up to her if she wants to be with you guys or not. Family times. Not you and her time.
Focus on you and the kids. GAL. And no relationship talks.
You’ve got the gift of time.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Cschalla, the first thing you should do is to move back into the MB. She can stay too, but if she wants to do the separation thing she can moved into another room. Do not dismiss this, this is important. WAWs do not respect their LBHs. Women are not attracted to men that they do not respect. Start commanding her respect. It is difficult for most LBHs because the intuitive thing to do is to nice her back to the marriage.
Learn this truth: You cannot nice her back to the marriage. So do that which commands respect. Sleeping in your mancave is not commanding respect. She's the one that wants out of the marriage, she's the one that should sleep elsewhere.
So tonight you get ready for bed and get into the MBR. When she asks you say, "I like sleeping here." When she gets upset you listen and validate (see the validation thread). I'm ok with you explaining to her that she's the one that wants a divorce, she should be the one to sleep elsewhere. Be polite, but be firm. She will get angry. She won't like you very much. But she WILL respect you.
I'd do this tonight. Every day that goes by makes it more difficult.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
So tonight you get ready for bed and get into the MBR. When she asks you say, "I like sleeping here." When she gets upset you listen and validate (see the validation thread). I'm ok with you explaining to her that she's the one that wants a divorce, she should be the one to sleep elsewhere. Be polite, but be firm. She will get angry. She won't like you very much. But she WILL respect you.
I'd do this tonight. Every day that goes by makes it more difficult.
I was going to post the exact same thing.
I believe most guys do not comprehend how important this is. You do it calmly. The more you STFU and listen the better.
Women subconsciously test their men to see how strong or weak they are. Pass the test.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
And then read as many of the quotes as you can as soon as you can.
This is triage for your marriage. You have a whole team of people here that can help you make the positive change you need to thrive during this most difficult time.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
At some point, you (not her) should come up with a parenting schedule. But initially:
If you historically have been heavily involved in the parenting, then I would start going out on your own on Friday nights, and possibly Saturday nights.
If you historically have not been heavily involved with the kids, I would enjoy your time with them and suggest MOM needs a break and send her out.
Things that work are counter intuitive. IE when you have a choice, the one that you initially feel is the right choice is most likely the wrong choice, such as pursuing and professing your love for her. Come her with the issue you are facing and get multiple opinions on options and likely outcomes.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Thank you all for the advice, I did move back in the bedroom and she is sleeping in the man cave, she suggested that we swap one week she gets the bedroom and one week I get it. Should I not agree to that? Maybe I should say no thanks I like the bedroom better.
We have been married 21 years, actually last Thursday April 6th was our anniversary. I saw her that morning and then I went out of town with my son to visit my brother. Nothing was said and then at 10 pm that night she texted me Happy Anniversary (so weird not sure what to think of this). I choose not to reply but just gave it a thumbs up. We have 3 Children oldest daughter is in college (19) middle daughter is a sophomore (16) and our son is in 8th grade (13).
She may be having an affair she is a nurse and there is a doctor that she works with that she told me she is attracted to. She also seems go out a lot with her so called "girlfriends from work" at least once a week and usually does get home to late.
Last edited by DnJ; 04/10/2303:05 PM. Reason: Correct typo.
