From the outside looking in on your situation.....
It seems that there is ALWAYS a reason or an excuse that you are running into her. And even if you are simply finding yourself in coincidental situations....
You are still finding an excuse to engage her in conversation....
Hey, that Badger over there is kinda cute, I think that I'll go over and pet it !!!
There's a reason you don't hear more people saying that.....
Even IF you do find yourself around her.....stop engaging in conversation with her.....
From the outside, it still appears that you feel that you can "fix" this....
And being passive aggressively, manipulatingly available to just show up to functions that you feel she may be at....
Would you rather she be saying.....
Schidt, Rock is here again...
Or thinking....
I wonder where Rock is ???
I get why you think that you were there, yet you will always find a reason/excuse if you don't start "checking" your motives and reasons by being brutally honest with yourself..
And didn't "thinking" help get you here in the first place ??
Yea, she said she wasn't going to any social functions....
How is your daughter dealing with all of this? You seem to have really attached yourself to her, and I'm almost wondering if you are co-dependent and just switched your wife with your daughter.
Also, if this was a missions trip and someone was leaving the country normally that means we are talking younger people here. Is this your friend or your daughters?
I think we all can understand things are unavoidable, but you run into her more often that I do my neighbors.
We all get it, and it is your path, but from my experience in life, and on this board, everything you are doing will result in the opposite results of what you want.
Your wife needs to miss you, she needs to wonder what you are doing. She needs to see you in a new light as a different person.
Me: 40 EX:37 Together 17 years Married 16 years 5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11
D has said she is really having a hard time with mom but I am happy to note they have been connecting more. And D has said that she has been working on her boundaries with M and M’s family. And D is doing well. A good social circle of peers and a great BF and also some other great mentors. And true D and I and the other kids and I have really been binding through this. I’m giving them space and making time for them.
I’m reflecting on what all of you are saying and further change for me to make about not being around W.
I think a good exercise for you would be to try to make it one day without interacting with your therapist, Pastor, daughter etc and just sit with and work through your feelings. A codependent man is unattractive. An independent man who can control his emotions is very attractive.
This morning I spent time on my own and in prayer and worked through emotions. Special needs S (S21) came home yesterday - that was a huge day. I’m doing well today. Was exhausted last night. Had breakfast with S21 and D20 with lots of joy. D is off to work. I am going for a walk and S25 is coming over to have coffee with S21 and lift weights with him while I head out to get some business and errands done.
1. Due to past trauma (ptsd from psychological injury sustained while performing my professional duties) that I am in treatment for, to be blunt, in my nervous system I am afraid of death of people close to me especially violent and senseless, preventable fatalities.
2. I am afraid of W becoming unwell (related to my healing from fear 1 and influenced by my awareness of her own trauma history)
3. I am afraid of S21 suffering due to his vulnerabilities.
Now I am not always afraid of these things but I need to stay on track with my treatment and growth to behave in ways that overcome these fears.
1. Due to past trauma (ptsd from psychological injury sustained while performing my professional duties) that I am in treatment for, to be blunt, in my nervous system I am afraid of death of people close to me especially violent and senseless, preventable fatalities.
2. I am afraid of W becoming unwell (related to my healing from fear 1 and influenced by my awareness of her own trauma history)
3. I am afraid of S21 suffering due to his vulnerabilities.
I don't want to make light of any of that....
How much of that can YOU control ???
IF your answer is "none"....
Then you might wanna think about why you let it control you....
Originally Posted by Rockon
Now I am not always afraid of these things but I need to stay on track with my treatment and growth to behave in ways that overcome these fears.
However, you seem to be enough afraid of them to allow the symptoms of them, to become behavioral patterns of trying to control the outcome of situations, and ultimately ....people...
??
They've allowed you to become possessive over situations ( and people), and allowed that fear to drive you to hold on too tight, because something "might" happen if you aren't there, monitoring each and every situation....
Forcing something so hard in opposition, that it actually becomes a goal ??
Would you say that's fairly accurate ?
Originally Posted by Rock
Will follow up on your other questions.
It's your dime....
Just trying to help you see yourself a little more clearly....
