I’d bet $1000 your wife is having another relationship.
It explains the push/pull of wanting to separate and then suddenly peering back in.
It explains why when she’s away she’s resolute about taking steps towards divorce, but when she’s at home with you she drags the chain and says she doesn’t know and feels sorry for what she is doing.
It explains why she is re-writing history - because she can’t face her decisions, so she needs to make it your fault. Best way to do that is to re-write history, with a side dose of “You didn’t even notice I was unhappy in our marriage for many years, so now I have no choice.”
DNJ’s air vent story is classic rewriting of history. Mine said “I had to leave because you were too nice to me when I was a b*tch.”
She has plenty of opportunity because she goes away all the time. I bet she is protective of her phone.
You moving to start a new career (and her being further away from work and her crush) was the straw that broke the camel’s back. She started to build resentment that she was further away from him/her, and you were the logical person to start blaming.
Why am I telling you this? Not because it changes your strategy. DBing is DBing. Regardless of why she’s doing this, you need to do the same thing - read, reflect, grow, place yourself first, get hobbies, exercise, find an IC. Be strong, unaffected, charismatic and dis-interested in her. YOU CAN’T POSSIBLY GIVE HER TOO MUCH SPACE. Always remember that.
The reason I’m telling you she is most likely having an affair - to help you mentally prepare for when it comes along.
You seem pretty level headed. She’s on an emotional roller coaster which has just left the boarding station. You can jump on board and get tossed about, or you can watch from the sideline and let her ride it out.
DBing is a 3-5 year commitment before they start to peer out of the tunnel. You’ll either a) not give her enough space and unknowingly put the final nails in the coffin b) get sick of the drama/run out of patience and decide you deserve better c) you’ll be super patient and give her loads of space, and maybe you’ll end up together in many years from now
