Rockon, DBing isn't easy because we want to do what comes naturally. However, if you think about it, doing what came naturally is how you ended up where you are. So you have to think differently. DBing is counter-intuitive, and it is that counter-intuitiveness is what makes it so effective!
For instance: The natural, intuitive approach is to try to be around her as much as possible and try to communicate with her as much as possible. However, it is almost a guarantee that approach will end up driving her away faster. The counter-intuitive is to pull back completely, leave her to figure out her stuff herself, and to move forward with your own life. That is where the get a life, 180ing (self-improvements), and detachment can help so much. Because it removes the pressure and pursuit from her, and allows you to focus on yourself. Either she will get interested in the new Rockon, or she won't, but that is out of your control. Focus on what you can control.
One example that would have applied specifically to your own situation: "If I go to this party there is a chance I will see her. So instead I will send my regrets to the host and I will find something to do with one of my friends (not within the common circle). That would have been backing off and leaving her alone to figure her own stuff out. In fact, she probably would have been interested to know what you had done instead! We've seen that a lot. When you start to change your behavior she will take notice.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I am standing up for myself with how I want to be treated.
Originally Posted by Rockon
I said I am working on being clear with my intention and actions and respecting my own boundaries as well as hers.
You’ve stated your boundaries, now follow/enforce them. No need to tell her again.
Did you articulate to W your consequences for boundary violation? It’s not mandatory or anything. Your consistent actions when disrespectful behaviour occurs will quickly illustrate the consequences and the seriousness of your standing up for yourself.
Originally Posted by Rockon
She said, ok then I just won’t talk to you at all and then I won’t treat you that way. I said that works, too.
Good for you not getting dragged in to her snarky provoking.
I agree with Cadet. W is depressed, unhappy, and that it’s not your job to fix her.
I also find it interesting that W stated her unhappiness, her hurts, and her disappointments; and did not blame you for them. Actually admitted she stopped showing up in the marriage, sans justifications.
Continue giving time and space. Let her walk her path.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
You are literally like a drug addict who gets told time and time again not to interact with her
Apr 03
Originally Posted by Rockon
Ran into W at a party. Considered she might be there given a common circle of our friends. I had a great time. Ended up having a brief social convo with her and that was fine then I moved on to continue enjoying myself.
I see you couldn’t help yourself and went back for another drug hit.
Originally Posted by Kind18
I’d highly recommend you Google “YouTube transactional analysis ego states and basic transactions” and watch the three videos in the series.
It might give you some insight into how she continues to psychologically run rings around you, and how you can break the mould of your cr*p interactions.. Please let me know your thoughts on these three videos.
I guess going to stalk her at a party under the guise of “Randomly bumped into her” or “No contact is not my IC’s strategy” is EASIER than staying at home and doing the work required.
Watch the videos Rock. Nothing’s changing because you’re doing the same old things.
So l had responded to her accusations previously as I had planned. “I have no interest and no reason to track you. If someone is tracking you, for your own safety, call the police.” She responded, “you want me to report you to the police?” I told her, “I’m not tracking you and I haven’t been, but if you believe I or anyone else is then yes call the police.”
But I recognize I need to disrupt the dynamic and manage myself better in the stage I am in and progress to a healthier place. At the party, I gave her a wide berth and focused on myself and others. She knew I was going to be there, and yes I considered that she might be there, but I didn’t know if she would. I went to the party with D. And it was an important and meaningful party for me.
Also implementing boundaries - reading 2 boundaries books. During the conversation I mentioned above when we talked about the police, I told her I am no longer willing to tolerate being mistreated and that I don’t enjoy being around her when she does that. I also told her that she can express herself and show big feelings and reactions if she has them and feels comfortable to show me. I can handle it. And I am standing up for myself with how I want to be treated. She had previously told me she was going to try to manage her reactions when she misunderstands my intentions. I said I am working on being clear with my intention and actions and respecting my own boundaries as well as hers.
She said, ok then I just won’t talk to you at all and then I won’t treat you that way. I said that works, too. And then she kept talking (but in a different way, more respectful, than she has in a long time). She talked about her hurts and disappointments in her life and how she’s not happy. She told me things about her dreams for our M and what she wanted and hoped for in ways that I never understood and she had never told me. I listened and asked her to tell me more. She said that she learned recently about how culturally so many women are leaving M’s and that often they have checked out long before they make the decision to leave. She said when she moved out months ago, she didn’t think she would leave but that she thought she just needed space. I did my best to just listen, validate and not fix. I wasn’t defensive and didn’t minimize. She said that we had an ok friendship for the last 5 years but that she never wanted it to be just that. She said we did well to last as long as we did considering we didn’t have the communication skills to make things better and that we should have gone to MC long ago. I said, “It was a good run.” She went on to talk about ways she had stopped showing up in our marriage.
The stage you are in is to better you and be healthier. This includes an another important meaningful party you must attend running the risk of your W being there. But for some reason again you leave out the importance of the party. How it relates to you. Concrete details how it’s going to make you better. We don’t know the reason for the party. How you knew the people that hosted the party. Instead we get two long paragraphs about you entering the friend zone with your W. I learned more concrete information about your Ws development than you from these posts.
M:51 W:43 T:17 M:15 S:13 D11 10/2022 BD/IHS 03/2023 W moves out
Thank you for these responses. The party was a meaningful gathering to say goodbye to someone very special to our family and community who moved out of county yesterday to go on mission. I am very happy that I went and believe it was the right call for me while at the same time I also perceive the potential downside that you describe of me attending. It certainly meant a lot to me to be there with D and friends and to send our friend off. She really is like a part of our family in many significant ways. The hosts were young women from our church. Our pastors were there. There was a time around BD when W had said that if I went out with our friends or to a social gathering that meant she wouldnt be able to go. Well she went. I’m happy for her that she did and i know it meant a lot to our friend. W left early and after the party D had several friends over to our place for crafts.
Thank you for these responses. The party was a meaningful gathering to say goodbye to someone very special to our family and community who moved out of county yesterday to go on mission. I am very happy that I went and believe it was the right call for me while at the same time I also perceive the potential downside that you describe of me attending. It certainly meant a lot to me to be there to send our friend off. She really is like a part of our family in many significant ways. The hosts were young women from our church. Our pastors were there.
Took out the W development part and D piece.
M:51 W:43 T:17 M:15 S:13 D11 10/2022 BD/IHS 03/2023 W moves out
Thank you for these responses. The party was a meaningful gathering to say goodbye to someone very special to our family and community who moved out of county yesterday to go on mission. I am very happy that I went and believe it was the right call for me while at the same time I also perceive the potential downside that you describe of me attending. It certainly meant a lot to me to be there with D and friends and to send our friend off. She really is like a part of our family in many significant ways. The hosts were young women from our church. Our pastors were there. There was a time around BD when W had said that if I went out with our friends or to a social gathering that meant she wouldnt be able to go. Well she went. I’m happy for her that she did and i know it meant a lot to our friend. W left early and after the party D had several friends over to our place for crafts.
Rock On, we've seen a lot of these situations and people are always finding excuses why they needed to be at an event where their walkaway was. Only you know for sure if your motives were 100% true or not. There are events that cannot be avoided, the problem with LBSs is we claim that even if it isn't true because deep down we want to see the walkaway. So even optional, trivial, non-necessary events become "must goes". If you insist this was the case then I believe you. However, if it really wasn't then you are only deluding yourself, not us.
However, as others have pointed out you've shown the penchant for reaching out to her before. So I ask you to be honest with yourself on these things.
Anyway, this event is now over and your have the opportunity to go back to focusing on yourself.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
