TellMeSo, I think it wise to give some time and reflect more on the interaction while giving yourself a break. That wasn’t easy was it.
I am learning more about validation, listening, seeking to understand. I think you could do better/learn from this interaction and consider how you have handled these things in the past and where you want to go in the future.
You said,
“ I tried to keep my cool, stated many times that I am not intentionally trying to destroy her plans, I am just protecting myself. That I am willing to cooperate if is not pressuring me so much.
Then she told me that I am still trying to get her back. Even thought, I have not mentioned anything about it and even said that my happiness does not revolve only around her. I will be content and satisfied even if we are truly done, but I am not initiating divorce and I would have preferred to give this marriage a chance.
She asked me for arguments why I don't sign it, I did not give it at first. She got mad. Then I gave it to her. Again she just laughed and still was mad. Then she started threatening to take her things from our home. I just said fine, you are free to take your things.
I tried hard to understand her position and validate it. However, she is still insisting that I do not understand her and this is exactly why we should get divorce. For example, I said that "I can really see that you want to divorce and get this process done. It probably is frustrating for you. I will cooperate and help to ease your pain if it does not ruin my own values & interests". Then she immediately said you don't get me and I want divorce. ”
This could be true, accurate and fair and important ways for you to communicate your boundaries and intentions, but,
“ Then she told me that I am still trying to get her back” Are you? In what ways might that be your hope/expectation that is influencing your actions, communication and way of being with her?
and,
“ I tried hard to understand her position and validate it. However, she is still insisting that I do not understand her and this is exactly why we should get divorce. For example, I said that "I can really see that you want to divorce and get this process done. It probably is frustrating for you. I will cooperate and help to ease your pain if it does not ruin my own values & interests". Then she immediately said you don't get me and I want divorce.” Do you? Get her? Do you want to try to imagine and understand things from her experience ?
I am asking these questions of you to stimulate thought and reflection and I have been asking them of myself.
Recently I took in a webinar from Terry Real that helped me consider these things in new ways. From that I reflected on a conversation where W told me about S, “This (our M breakdown) is not about him. he doesn’t know what it has been like in our marriage,” I thought I validated ok at the time. Then later I thought actually I don’t know what it has been like for W in our M.
