I hadn't noticed if anyone was on the attack - certainly didn’t feel that way to me. I’m appreciative of everyone’s thoughtful input and will speak up if something doesn’t make sense to me.
My growth, healing and positive change are important to me - if not easy.
Should have put attack in quotes my bad. Wasn’t applying you were being attacked. Thanks for calling me out
I was putting myself in your shoes and thinking how I would feel
Last edited by Dats000; 03/30/2309:46 PM.
M:51 W:43 T:17 M:15 S:13 D11 10/2022 BD/IHS 03/2023 W moves out
Lots to process and I’m going there in thoughtful action/active choice, reflection, Journaling, prayer, movement (exercise, walks etc), connecting with family, friends and therapy - not necessarily in that order - followed by observation and evaluation and continuing to make choices.
I don’t really know where to start. BF, I have focused my interactions (not initiating) with W about special needs S matters we need to connect on. Even there I have been stepping back to respect their R apart from me. We did discuss the idea of going to counseling individually and/or together to focus on this dynamic:our individual and shared R’s with S. We had been talking about codependency and the need for positive change. I mentioned that I am benefiting from IC. We have both suffered significant trauma. I am recognizing growth in myself and I want to heal more.
I’m not sure about this idea of getting C with her and I don’t plan to pursue it necessarily. I would open to exploring it with her and looking for a good fit for both of us. I clarified that I am not looking for counseling with W about our R apart from S.
I’m interested in your thoughts.
I have been taking some action and contemplating further steps in devoting more of my focus, time and money on myself and what’s important to me as well as planning with family (apart from W). Budgeting and discussing with kids some family travel/vacation for me with them and GD.
Looking into some courses I can take. Developing my culinary skills. Engaging in energizing fun social life. Getting to work on next stages of home maintenance, upkeep and Reno. Connecting and serving at church with healthy boundaries - checking my motives and capacity there.
Those are some broad brush strokes. Plan to flesh out and expound more.
Building the life I want and am called to. I recognize this as a marathon and life long endeavour and that I can’t predict the future. I want to stop focusing on preventing negative “worst outcomes” and go for excellence, joy, meaning, purpose and build a legacy. This requires focused determined and consistent effort and assistance and community for me to do the work necessary.
I have also been saying no to some activities to be not too busy and to have the focus on what’s important. I have declined some invites for hikes and social events while choosing to participate in a healthy active lifestyle.
Ran into W at a party. Considered she might be there given a common circle of our friends. I had a great time. Ended up having a brief social convo with her and that was fine then I moved on to continue enjoying myself.
Ran into W at a party. Considered she might be there given a common circle of our friends. I had a great time. Ended up having a brief social convo with her and that was fine then I moved on to continue enjoying myself.
This may come off as harsh, so I mean this out of place of support.
You are not divorce busting. A few weeks ago you had a list of conditions to welcome her back, than say you are considering telling her you want a divorce when you obviously don't. This is manipulation, nothing more, nothing less.
You were accused of stalking her very recently, than show up to a party you know she'll be at and than proceed to talk to her. That doesn't look good and adds fuel to her accusations.
We've all been there and we all know divorce busting comes off incredibly unnatural, but all you are doing is showing her you can't move on, and you are in her back pocket. There's no way for her to start to respect you let alone anything else if you are still openly pining for her, but you are doing nothing but damaging any hope you may have.
I'm not the first poster to point this out to you, you find reasons at every turn to have contact, and that's just...not at all what's needed here. How is she suppose to see you in a new light?
I really think it's time you go back over the book and links.
Me: 40 EX:37 Together 17 years Married 16 years 5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11
Ok I see this. Joseph, I want to make sure I am not manipulating and the feedback was helpful for me to realize that wasnt the thing for me to tell her (so I didn’t). I don’t want a divorce and Im not at that stage.
So l had responded to her accusations previously as I had planned. “I have no interest and no reason to track you. If someone is tracking you, for your own safety, call the police.” She responded, “you want me to report you to the police?” I told her, “I’m not tracking you and I haven’t been, but if you believe I or anyone else is then yes call the police.”
But I recognize I need to disrupt the dynamic and manage myself better in the stage I am in and progress to a healthier place. At the party, I gave her a wide berth and focused on myself and others. She knew I was going to be there, and yes I considered that she might be there, but I didn’t know if she would. I went to the party with D. And it was an important and meaningful party for me.
I’m reading DR again and have started going through R2C’s quotes again. Also implementing boundaries - reading 2 boundaries books. During the conversation I mentioned above when we talked about the police, I told her I am no longer willing to tolerate being mistreated and that I don’t enjoy being around her when she does that. I also told her that she can express herself and show big feelings and reactions if she has them and feels comfortable to show me. I can handle it. And I am standing up for myself with how I want to be treated. She had previously told me she was going to try to manage her reactions when she misunderstands my intentions. I said I am working on being clear with my intention and actions and respecting my own boundaries as well as hers.
She said, ok then I just won’t talk to you at all and then I won’t treat you that way. I said that works, too. And then she kept talking (but in a different way, more respectful, than she has in a long time). She talked about her hurts and disappointments in her life and how she’s not happy. She told me things about her dreams for our M and what she wanted and hoped for in ways that I never understood and she had never told me. I listened and asked her to tell me more. She said that she learned recently about how culturally so many women are leaving M’s and that often they have checked out long before they make the decision to leave. She said when she moved out months ago, she didn’t think she would leave but that she thought she just needed space. I did my best to just listen, validate and not fix. I wasn’t defensive and didn’t minimize. She said that we had an ok friendship for the last 5 years but that she never wanted it to be just that. She said we did well to last as long as we did considering we didn’t have the communication skills to make things better and that we should have gone to MC long ago. I said, “It was a good run.” She went on to talk about ways she had stopped showing up in our marriage.
I have a lot to process and learn from. I really appreciate feedback and input. Seeking to be wise. I don’t find what you say harsh, I value direct and clear.
She talked about her hurts and disappointments in her life and how she’s not happy.
This is her speaking and I believe she is not happy
However that is on her not on YOU. You cannot make her happy. She has to do that all on her own. It is her depression speaking out loud. Until she decides she is not going to be depressed anymore there is nothing any outside person or thing is going to be able to do to change that.
