It couldn't possibly be her fault. (tongue in cheek) so it must be the only other person left - YOU!
From your experience, does it mean that the only way is to divorce? I am giving her plenty of time and space these days but she is becoming even more pushier than ever.
From your experience, does it mean that the only way is to divorce?
I will rephrase what is said here. Since I can not also pick lottery numbers or predict what the winning numbers will be.
Most people that come here end up divorced. Understand that the name of the board is DIVORCEBUSTING. MWD nor I believe in divorce.
Will you end up divorced? If I was a betting person I would bet YES. Is that the end of the story? Maybe yes maybe no. Here is where you get a say in this. That question is why this board is here.
One of my good friends from here divorced(a bitter contested one) and now is remarried to his spouse. Their are many examples of reconciliation and success stories.
Love is a choice and you have to choose to Love everyday. What that looks like is up to you. You can't control others - only yourself. So many of us do not choose divorce. We can choose what happens after that.
The normal advice is that the LBS gets to choose in the end. And if you have not yet gotten to choose then it is not yet the end.
I know that this is all hard stuff. All you can do right now is to make yourself into a person that only a fool would leave.
This is truly the one of biggest issues to overcome in my life. Even before this my days were fairly adventurous and busy thus I am already GAL'ing quote heavily. I am truly trying my best to work on my listening, validation and other personal skills. Reading, spending more time with my dog, family & friends, working out every other day, realizing my old dreams. Family and friends were shocked when they learned about this as well.
Yet, it is still incredible hurtful to be brought down from emotional peak (wedding) to emotional hell (divorce). In a way, I am trying to justify her actions myself to understand why this happened better. Everything is still work in progress. I can go 2 weeks without big issues, but then she drops another bomb and it gets tough again. As if she is waiting for me to move on a bit to reattract me back into this situation. Perhaps it is only coincidences. This shows that I need to work on detaching & letting go.
Tomorow I will try to consult with lawyer on this separation agreement. I plan on being silent for a bit and maybe reverting back on weekend or sometime later.
It's ironic, how 4 months ago I got a major promotion, we were planning a big trip to USA, buy a house and now I will have to rebuild from scratch. I have to be "killing" at work to earn respect, yet this is happening on personal level. I have to stay fully focused.
"“A diamond doesn't start out polished and shining. It once was nothing special, but with enough pressure and time, becomes spectacular.”
I'll either break or truly become a man that only a fool would leave. Hopefully its the second one.
One additional remark - I feel like she is intentionally or unintentionally trying to make everything go according to her rules & plan. I assume this is a typical script thus I have to stand on my norms & values. Be respectful and validate her wishes, but stick to my norms & values.
Not planning on treating her awful or being revengeful, but no more Mr. Nice Guy.
Thanks, Kind. I get it, but this situation still blows my mind.
I've seen two different opinions on this forum from quotes. One states that you should not stop wife and stall the D process. Several others have stated that you have to stick to your values, norms and do not let W dictate the rules of the game. Vets, which one has worked best from your experience?
I assume the second one as it focused more on me rather than on her.
Talked to a lawyer. He told me not to sign anything on separation agreement. She can sign it herself and initiate which would give me better chance to negotiate good terms for me.
I will stay silent for now and not initiate any convo's.
What works best is that which you can control - your thoughts, actions, and reactions. The two stated pathways are not mutually exclusive. One can stick to their values and principles, and let their spouse do whatever heavy lifting towards divorce that they feel they need to do.
Originally Posted by TellMeSo
I am trying to justify her actions myself to understand why this happened better.
I found rationalizing and understanding good things to pursue. Not so much justifying or demonizing their spouse’s actions, rather working to understand how and/or why they could do the things they do.
Detachment is no longer being uncontrollably dragged about by one’s spouse’s behaviour and words. Moving ourselves into a more rational realm helps alleviate the emotional responses and triggers and fears.
Understanding is a basis of empathy, compassion, acceptance, and forgiveness. An interesting journey seeking intellectual understanding while simultaneously emotionally letting go. In my view one should seek both of these while also figuring out their convictions. That is a lot on one’s plate, and it takes a while to sort it out. One has to go slow. For you can only eat the elephant one bite at a time.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Talked to a lawyer. He told me not to sign anything on separation agreement. She can sign it herself and initiate which would give me better chance to negotiate good terms for me.
I will stay silent for now and not initiate any convo's.
Follow lawyers advice and your own advice to yourself
Stay silent - this is a good example of doing nothing is doing something.
