Firstly, thank you for everyone's responses. I read them on the day but have took a few days to digest before wanting to reply. Those days have been good & getting on with GAL activities (I scheduled weekend activities to include house stuff, time with the kids, exercise and inviting friends round for drinks and nibbles).
Kind18 - your post gave me a lot of food for thought. I also saw another post you had responded to about a trend of people coming on here and interpreting too much from spouse's behaviour / messages & not following DB principles. I get what your saying with this (it felt like what you'd posted related to some of my posts) but also feel that I'm still a learner. BD day was only 6 weeks ago for me. Since this time, I have asked him to move out because he wanted to continue to see AP whilst living in our family home and this upset both the kids and me. I have only had 4 interactions with him during this time (1 face to face when he came to see D at same time as I was going out & 3 texts relating to childcare arrangements). I have been neutral in all the messages apart from my first but learned from that. This forum & yours and others feedback has allowed me to do this & I'm very lucky that I found the forum before BD even happened (based on suspicions). I count myself lucky with that & have been able to conduct myself with decorum and dignity in a calm neutral manner for virtually all of my direct interactions with H despite my internal anguish & distress.
Originally Posted by Kind18
I absolutely believe you need to be getting professional help with managing your emotions on days when you are down. We can’t do that for you here. We can identify what we think is going on, and how you should DB it, but this really needs some counselling to assist with getting past these difficult days without falling into old patterns.
I agree re professional help and I am in IC but am looking to change counsellor as they aren't meeting my needs. That being said, it's also very early days. This is like a bereavement & as such, I think its understandable that my emotions will take hold of me at times. I'm starting to recognise when this happens and you are spot on with the control theory Kind. I had already brought this up myself in IC but was dismissed & blame attributed to H's drinking. I can see the pattern you point out & fully agree. I'm managing this myself by trying to remain no contact as much as I can but it's when the kids have interactions with H & they want to talk about it to me as a way if their own debrief. I think I'll get better at handling my own emotions with this but like I say, it's only 6 weeks for me. I like the train passenger analogy, it feels very familiar from mindfulness literature and I do try to do this. I think you are very wise & have a lot of experience with this Kind. I'm learning & trying to take it all on in a short timeframe. I guess I'll get it right sometimes & mess up at others.
DnJ - Thank you for your explanation of the terminology. It helps a lot. I also really like the withdrawal metaphor that you & Joseph talk about. I'm trying to go cold turkey but those emotions keep trying to drag me back in! One of your first posts to me talked about the gift of time. I couldn't understand it at all at first & just wanted immediate change. Funnily enough, it's now one of the things that really helps anchor me. No matter how long this takes, there's hope for the future. Either in a new relationship with H or in a new relationship with another & by that time, I'll be ready and prepared for what the future brings. Got a long way to go before I can regulate my emotions fully but as ever, the wise words on this forum help me to learn new things each time I post.
Thanks everyone!
Based on what I’m reading here, you’re going to be just fine.
You’re doing great for a newbie. You don’t get butt hurt when someone calls you out on something - you analyse it, don’t run away from it, take it on board. Your trajectory is in a very good direction.
Six weeks is hardly any time. The advice I was given was that I was going to be a wreck for the first 12 months, then I’d start to get my head around it. That timeline was very accurate for me.
I like that you understand the roller coaster analogy. Might as well have some fun along the divorce journey, because if you scream and try to change the trajectory - you’re only hurting yourself.
Reflecting, the 12 months it took for me to get back on my feet wasn’t my ex’s fault. It was actually mine. I’d stayed in a terribly imbalanced relationship for far too long, so it took me a year to understand I would be okay (and in fact magnitudes happier) without her. If I had better self confidence, better resilience, better management of my emotions and understood that I’m a good, strong, independent and capable person who doesn’t NEED a relationship to be happy and fulfilled, perhaps that 12 months I took would have only been three or six months.
Ironically, how much BD and divorce hurts us - we control that, not them. If you have control issues, that’s where to focus - internally - and not on their dumpster fire, MLC, affair fog train wreck.
I’m most definitely not as wise as most of the vets on here. Reading their comments on others’ posts helped me get to where I am today.
I miss LH19. Listen to job, cadet, bttrfly, DNJ, LH19, SteveLW. Go back and read about Jack three beans. Actually LISTEN to their advice. Live it, don’t just read it.
And even if you’ve read cadet’s welcome links, read them all again.
YouTube has some great stuff about transactional analysis. Go to your local library.
The answers to you regaining your strength and happiness are out there - you just have to find them!
