This one is definitely one of the better ones...Someone has carefully edited it from multiple source clips.
So many good quotes in there:
Originally Posted by JP
Don't sacrifice who you could be for who you are, which means if you have to choose to transform in a positive direction or maintain your current position then it's better to transform in a positive direction.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Most things that we face in life come from fear, and how that manifests within us is what we aspire towards.
I think that most humans are driven from fear.
I would also assume that many of your decisions in the past were driven from fear. Just like your fear is driving you today.
Fear of failure Fear of being divorced Fear of judgement Fear of losing your future Fear of losing friends and loved ones Fear that you cannot rescue her from herself Fear of defining yourself based on your marital status
And the one that I would assume is the strongest one that you are facing now, is the fear of being successful without her in your life ....
???
Fear of moving too far ahead of her, that she will never be able to catch up. So you tuck yourself into this nice little cocoon so that you are warm and snuggly for when she decides to come to her senses...
THAT....is simply waiting.....
Did you know that the human brain is incapable of thinking in "do" and "don't' subconsciously ?
So let's say that you are on the tee box while golfing, and you have a par 3 over a water hazard, and you stand there and think over and over again... "Don't hit the water , Don't hit the water " your brain is only hearing "Hit the water"....
Yet if you were to think..."Hit the green" , your odds go up significantly of achieving your objective....
When you think in negative, you produce negative results. Change your perspective, change your life....
I think that you want this to work out so bad that you can taste it...
Yet I think that you are having a hard time wrapping your head around the fact that she is a$$hole deep in a depression that is affecting everything in her life, and making her question everything in her life.
And that you are sitting in this invisible fence that you put up, asking how much longer can I do this. Because you still think that "if she would only snap out of this, we would be fine".
Because you are scared that you might lose her IF you get to far ahead, or take this next step forward for yourself......
So, you give her this letter, or ultimatum that she commits or your done, because of a date on the calendar
HOW WOULD YOUR LIFE LOOK SO COMEPLETELY DIFFERENT IF YOU WERE TO DO THAT TODAY ?????
Are you gonna feel either "less" married , or "more" married based on her decision ???
Standing, does NOT mean standing still Mike....
Just because you choose to stand today, doesn't mean you can't change your mind tomorrow either.
I'm not here to talk you into or out of choosing to be married. You have to choose that one...(and don't say it's up to her either). YOU choose to either act married, or not....yet you have to define what that looks like to YOU. Not your spouse or anyone else.
My adopted mantra going through this was simple....
Today is not the day I quit. Maybe I will tomorrow, but let's see what tomorrow brings.... ( and a nickel for anyone that steals that line)
Then rinse , lather, and repeat tomorrow....
Take this time standing, to face down those fears that more than likely created some behavioral patterns in yourself that you don't like.....
Take this time to realize that standing for your marriage has zero to do with her, and more to do with the fact that she has given you a gift, and you can choose what to do with it.
Your path will ultimately not look so different from what she is doing, however it should be a whole lot less destructive.
She isn't doing anything TO you, she is doing it for herself. Yet it can also be for you also....
I see a lot of me in you Mike....one of the reasons I came back to check on you.
I always knew that my marriage would work out, right up to the day that I decided it wouldn't....
Mach, I guess I'm still not quite sure what you mean by asking what do I think it is. Sorry, I guess I'm being dense today.
In regards to what you posted above- I really don't think I'm acting out of fear anymore. The issue with BD anniversary is something I put in my mind much earlier in this journey. I decided awhile ago that BD wasn't going to be the day we decide anything. I was asking the group a question that I really knew the answer to, should I initiate a R talk. I honestly don't think I'm afraid of the things you listed above. Of course, I don't want those things to happen. I think at this point I have accepted that they are all a possibility, and I can't control them. At least not all of them. It's funny you said standing isn't standing still. I was thinking earlier that standing is like waiting but with action. I know about the do and don't scenario. I learned that while working with girls trying to teach them to hit and field a softball. I try to never say don't when working with them, always do. You're not wrong about the depression issue and remembering it. I recently have gotten better at reminding myself of that and I think it is why I'm doing better. I am honestly in the best place I've been yet, not 100% detached. Getting closer.
I don't think if she "snaps out of it" we will be fine any longer. We have a lot of work to do if she ever decides to come around. To be honest she has changed so much that sometimes I don't think I like her much. She is colder towards everyone. Her personality has changed. Hopefully that changes back at some point. I am starting to see signs of the old her. She does seem happier most of the time. Maybe it's an act. I'm not saying that I'm watching everything she does for signs, she just seems happier most of the time. I know it doesn't mean anything good or bad, just an observation.
I have been making changes from the get go. Yes in the beginning I was just trying to win her back. That was a few months before I found this place and Michelle's books. I have made changes to be a better person, father, and partner. I'm not the best I can be, definitely better though.
It's hard to describe how I feel about our situation currently. I absolutely want it to work out. I also seem to be more ok with knowing that it might not. That thought doesn't scare me and put a knot in my stomach like it used to. Sometimes I feel pretty ok with whatever happens, happens. Maybe I'm fooling myself. The way I interact with W is so different than before. I don't sit and wonder what she's doing when she's not home. I make my plans and she makes hers. Sometimes we make plans together.
I know you weren't trying to make up my mind for me, I appreciate your input very much. I remember your mantra from past convo's and use it sometimes. I still want to be married and hope, barring another A, to remain so. I know I have a lot of work to do still. I am slowly getting there. Sometimes I post things on here without putting enough thought into them, thus I may seem contradictory at times. I'm not perfect and I hope I don't give off the vibe that I think I am.
One thing about fear that I will admit to. I'm afraid that she is trying to friend zone me or will just try to ease back into the R. That scares me because at that point I will have to push her to do what we would need to do as a couple to start a new R. I don't know that she ever will. Of course we never "know" what someone will do. Just being honest about my thoughts.
I do keep the attitude that this will all work out in the end. Sometimes I have to remind myself though.
I have so many things I want to do with the rest of my life that sometimes I don't know where to start. I want to travel more. That's a big one. I want to take s17 on some fishing trips this summer and on a hog hunt. Still looking for a jeep or truck for s17 and I to mess around with and go off roading. So I do see things in my life that don't include W, just need to get busy living.
Can I also say that I don't agree with all the things you shared from the other dude. We can discuss that if you want. A lot of good things in there though.
I wouldn't initiate a relationship talk. I would go on about my business and celebrate the anniversary on my own terms, i.e., do something for yourself or an outing with your children. I doubt seriously that she would be honest and truly listen to what you have to say if you did have a relationship discussion. It would confirm her thoughts that you haven't changed and aren't giving her space. Yes, they love their space even when they are living in the same house with you.
If she does wake up and want to reconcile, there will be a lot of work on both sides of the aisle. Neither of you can go back to the old marriage. It would have to be a brand new marriage and the changes that you made would still have to be permanent. Some people tend to slip back into old patterns and the other spouse may rethink coming back into the marriage wasn't the right move. Also, by the time she wakes up, if she does, you may have decided you just want to move forward. The final decision will ultimately be yours to make. However, until that time should come, continue working on you and live your life to the fullest.
Hang in there! Continue to ask questions. When in doubt, sit quietly and the answers will come.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I wouldn't initiate a relationship talk. I would go on about my business and celebrate the anniversary on my own terms, i.e., do something for yourself or an outing with your children. I doubt seriously that she would be honest and truly listen to what you have to say if you did have a relationship discussion. It would confirm her thoughts that you haven't changed and aren't giving her space. Yes, they love their space even when they are living in the same house with you.
If she does wake up and want to reconcile, there will be a lot of work on both sides of the aisle. Neither of you can go back to the old marriage. It would have to be a brand new marriage and the changes that you made would still have to be permanent. Some people tend to slip back into old patterns and the other spouse may rethink coming back into the marriage wasn't the right move. Also, by the time she wakes up, if she does, you may have decided you just want to move forward. The final decision will ultimately be yours to make. However, until that time should come, continue working on you and live your life to the fullest.
Hang in there! Continue to ask questions. When in doubt, sit quietly and the answers will come.
Thanks Job appreciate you taking time to respond. I’ll let the day come pass and stfu. Have plans to spend the day alone at my fav place. We both have a lot of work to do, I just got a head start.
11/14/22 What to do? Was your first post. I just read it to get an idea of how far you have come. Without a doubt, in my opinion you have improved. That post was full of doubts, anxiety, worries about any and everything your W did. Your eyes have opened to face your worries and put them aside to concentrate on yourself. You have accepted this process. You’re now on team MikeP and wiling to do what ever it takes to never go back to the type of relationship you had with W. You are not constantly bringing W up, comparing yourself with W, or allowing her to consume all your emotions and energy. Keep it up, I’m sure your kids have already seen your changes and have benefited from them. They are lucky to have you as their dad.
Last edited by Dats000; 03/26/2303:17 AM.
M:51 W:43 T:17 M:15 S:13 D11 10/2022 BD/IHS 03/2023 W moves out
One thing about fear that I will admit to. I'm afraid that she is trying to friend zone me or will just try to ease back into the R. That scares me because at that point I will have to push her to do what we would need to do as a couple to start a new R. I don't know that she ever will. Of course we never "know" what someone will do. Just being honest about my thoughts.
Friend zone - you don't have to allow yourself to be placed there. That you control, not her.
Ease back into the R ... push her to do what you need to do as a couple to start a new R... Mike if your changes are permanent that won't happen because the entire dynamic changes based on how you behave. She will still do whatever she does, but your changes, being permanent, will equate to you interacting with her in a new and different way, thus your relationship becomes something else.
Sometimes we fear our own changes more than anything our spouses dish out.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
