Would you say that it is fine to congratulate W on special occasions or just maintain silent and detached?
Personally, I wouldn’t advocate that at all, but I’m sure some people may disagree.
One way ticket to the friend zone.
This is a common theme on this site atm. Lots of people who should be DBing, GALing, digging deep on their personal flaws with IC, and becoming a new and improved, positive person who is attractive to be around and who doesn’t define themselves through their partner or relationship.
Instead, there’s lots of people coming here just seeking validation on forcing interaction “can I ask her on a date to discuss kids, can I send him a Christmas card, he sent a message with an xx at the end, are we getting back together?”
I don’t wish to hijack your thread TMS, but this DB website isn’t to seek advice on every single interaction and message and call. It’s about a change in thinking, it’s about correcting your own flaws with professional help, it’s about growing to be happy whether or not you’re in a relationship, it’s about ignoring them completely and taking a good, long, hard look in the mirror and accepting your only job is to repair your side of the fence and then waiting to see if they decide to fix their side.
Temperature checks, R discussions, manipulating to spend time with them, see them, talk about stuff, find out through friends what they’ve been up to, make them see you’ve changed… it’s all a ticket to pain and grief, and less likely to lead to reconciliation.
Everyone’s journey through DBing is different. For me, that journey was:
1. Learning how to show empathy better 2. Accepting that I made poor choices and rushed choosing a partner 3. Delving into why an unexpected bomb day destroyed me so much, and discovering with an IC I wanted to work on my emotional resilience 4. Realising my ex had significant mental health challenges which I thought I could fix but which were way beyond my understanding 5. Accepting I’d been mentally abused during my relationship, but that I’d allowed it (and working out what I’d do in the future to have enough self respect to never let someone treat me like that ever again) 6. Accepting that some relationships are, simply, unhealthy
How did I do this? By getting professional help, by completely cutting off my ex while I worked through it.
My journey ended with me deciding she’s a manipulative, horrible person and me realising I’m actually the catch here. 18 months post bomb day I entered a wonderful relationship with a NORMAL person, and I’m grateful every day that I have my self worth and respect back. I also know now if my current relationship ends one day, I’ll be totally fine 👍
What’s my point?
Well, I guess my point is that this amazing journey to the other side that I took would never have happened if I hadn’t dropped the rope. You can’t be attached, following, analysing, going for dates, having relationship talks, sending birthday gifts while simultaneously doing the personal development deep dives required.
DBing really is simple if you look at it holistically. You stop being butt hurt, sad, manipulative and focussing outward. You turn completely into yourself and dig/discover like you’ve never done before, until you have your own needs/wants/personal flaws and aspirations sorted. And once that’s done and you look outside again.
Maybe your spouse likes what they see and looks back in.
And so, I guess to answer your one line question, no - don’t send her a birthday card 🤣 It’s a waste of time, when you could be doing much more important things.
