…if I want to remain on good friendly terms with H regardless of the outcome of our relationship, how do I go about setting the foundations for this at this stage of DB?
Basically don’t burn the bridge down. Refrain from demonizing H with yourself, friends, and especially the kids.
It’s not about building a foundation. It’s just not placing boulders on the path.
H has causes some damages in his relationships. Direct damages. Also there are collateral damages, consequences for his behaviours. Even sans demonizing, he can be held accountable.
Originally Posted by MA1970
I want to ask him to go for a coffee to tell him about what the kids are doing etc because he's only getting their angry side. If I reflect on my reasons for wanting this, I will admit that it’s partly just to see him & hear him but there is another part that wants this all to be amicable. How do people approach different stages?
Jospeh hit upon it well. Withdrawal.
The loss/withdrawal of romantic love stimulates mental pathways similar to heroin withdrawal. For a while after bomb drop our mind still has those feel good brain chemicals floating about. However, soon we hurt for and crave what was once so plentiful. Our mind screams for another hit.
We look at pictures, ruminate, try to set up coffee dates, all in an effort to ease our suffering. Thing is, every one of those is a short term fix. I well remember the pull, and temporary relief, of wandering down memory lane.
Cold turkey. The best way through this withdrawal is a straight line to the other side. It’s a difficult slog through the brambles and mire.
Regarding amicable. You can only keep your side of the street. Be kind and compassionate, yet not a doormat.
Originally Posted by MA1970
If I'm understanding correctly, dropping of the rope means stop hoping / waiting / expecting him to choose me & come back? How do you do this whilst still being positive about the chance of reconciliation?
Detachment is when one’s emotions are no longer uncontrollably dragged around and triggered by their spouses behaviours and/or words. It’s drop that particular rope, or be dragged.
Dropping the rope, detachment, doesn’t forgo hope. Waiting and expecting for our spouse to come back is being dragged about.
Dropping the rope gives you back control. You can and will still feel, just not as uncontrolled. And when not dragged about, one has agency of their choices. Deciding and enacting changes and life directions is very difficult when one is tied to a runaway train wreck. Let go. Drop the rope. Look away. Focus on you.
You have experienced better days and worse days. In time, and with effort, the better days out number the worse ones. Those worse/bad days becoming minimal, and then eventually gone. Like I said, it’s a bit of slog at first to get through this.
Stay strong and focus, and keep moving forward.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
