You have a way with words kind18. Your post made me chuckle & really resonated.
By “have a way with words”, do you mean “you have the subtlety of a sledge hammer”? 🤣🤣🤣
Sometimes I wonder if I’m too abrupt. I guess I see a lot of myself in people who arrive here. Weak, scared, living in fear, and allowing themselves to be treated like sh** because they’re desperate to save a marriage. An over riding principle of DBing is that what you did before didn’t work, so you have to try something new. For me, that something new that people need is self respect, strength - and helping them to realise they can’t manipulate or engineer their partner into seeing what they want them to see.
Hopefully my way with words was helpful!
In terms of your current predicament, I think you did really well. Not responding or responding with a big delay is always a good idea. Build mystery. If he’s wondering what you’re up to or where you are, that’s a good thing, right? He’s thinking about you! Why would you put and end to that by saying “Sorry, I was busy doing the washing when you messaged”.
Let him worry what you’re up to.
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but he'd sent another message to say he was taking D for a meal on the day I'm taking S to open day at university & asked what time I would be home?
He didn’t get an immediate answer, so he messaged about D and S to try and force an interaction with you.
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I replied I don't know but I'll text D to let her know ETA. He then replied OK with a kiss. I didn't respond.
Kind18 - your way with words was definitely helpful & I'm pleased I got the tone right on this occasion. Being at the start of this, I can fluctuate but Im trying to notice patterns of what is helpful & unhelpful in what I'm doing. This is less about what works and doesn't with H but more so about what works and doesn't for me. Example is that I'm aware that when my mind drifts off to imagining H, OW & their future, I can become paralysed with fear & end up only upsetting myself. Its not easy to bring it back but I'm finding different ways that are graded to the pervasiveness of my thinking. These include using the forum and my support team alongside exercise & pampering! I'm getting there but it's slow and as I've said before, this forum is invaluable (harsh reality checks included). A bit if humour always helps too so I appreciate that in your posts.
Example is that I'm aware that when my mind drifts off to imagining H, OW & their future, I can become paralysed with fear & end up only upsetting myself. It’s not easy to bring it back but I'm finding different ways that are graded to the pervasiveness of my thinking.
Rome wasn’t built in a day, MA! You’re doing great. As time goes by, you’ll get stronger. Just take it a day at a time.
I remember when I went through it. Several veterans told me that 12 months after BD is normally a turning point in one’s mindset and outlook after being hit with a BD. That was certainly true to me, almost to the day - I felt suddenly very different and calm. Like I knew I was going to be alright, even though I couldn’t see the finish line just yet.
But oh boy… those first 12 months were just really, really hard.
With regards to your mind continually wandering off and thinking about him and OM, have a read of my rumination post here:
The key is to put a fixed time every day and a fixed time limit to let these thoughts run wild. Eventually it will help you gain an external perspective on your thoughts and you’ll start to feel a lot better.
Example is that I'm aware that when my mind drifts off to imagining H, OW & their future, I can become paralysed with fear & end up only upsetting myself. It’s not easy to bring it back but I'm finding different ways that are graded to the pervasiveness of my thinking.
Rome wasn’t built in a day, MA! You’re doing great. As time goes by, you’ll get stronger. Just take it a day at a time.
I remember when I went through it. Several veterans told me that 12 months after BD is normally a turning point in one’s mindset and outlook after being hit with a BD. That was certainly true to me, almost to the day - I felt suddenly very different and calm. Like I knew I was going to be alright, even though I couldn’t see the finish line just yet.
But oh boy… those first 12 months were just really, really hard.
With regards to your mind continually wandering off and thinking about him and OM, have a read of my rumination post here:
The key is to put a fixed time every day and a fixed time limit to let these thoughts run wild. Eventually it will help you gain an external perspective on your thoughts and you’ll start to feel a lot better.
Not trying to hijack or anything. My BD 1 year is about 12 days out and I am feeling a lot like you described. I think I've finally stopped acting out of fear and have accepted that things will work out one way or another and I'll be ok.
Ma- When I was struggling with the imagery of W and the OM I found the stop sign technique to be the only thing that worked for me. We're all different so maybe it won't be as effective for you. Something to try though.
Thanks Kind & Mike. I'm familiar with both strategies from teaching to others in my day job but will try & incorporate more regularly for myself.
12 months seems an age away to cope with this emotional roller coaster. I feel I've been good for the past week but then H phoned S last night and the kids are definitely my weak spot. I'd just got in from my walk so could hear the conversation. It started off OK but then H asked S if he had called OW to give her a hard time because she had received a call. S denied this but also said he would do what he wanted (turns out he had private messaged her saying "are you not ashamed?" & nothing more. He'd deleted the message the next day when he calmed down). H then went on to say if S is angry, he should take it out on H not OW. He then said he wanted them to have more of a relationship & could they go out for a drink together. S said no, he wasn't ready but would continue going to football as long as H didn't lie. I stayed out of it all & tried to stay neutral but supportive to S after when he approached me to discuss. However, I'm seething inside & back to the pointless questions that lead me down a cheese tunnel (why, who is he, why is he more interested in protecting OW than S etc.). On the plus side, H is unaware of any of my thoughts and feelings because I keep them to myself and remain silent. He is a different man completely to who I fell in love with, its like his body has been abducted by an alien & all his values and morals have been removed.
Last edited by DnJ; 03/22/2301:34 PM. Reason: Corrected typos.
A person in crisis/emotional turmoil does some bizarre stuff. They destroy so much of their lives as they run from their unrealized torment. Their new behaviours are very much like an alien as taken over them and voided them of morals and values. They become the opposite of who they once were.
Like many, my XW became a terrible parent. OM and her new friends became most important in her life. I still recall her telling me, with such conviction, that only her new friends truly understand her. My reply was something like: “Yeah right. You just met these people like 6 weeks ago. And your family and friends of over 30 years have it all wrong.”
Of course that was to no avail.
They have to walk their path. And that path is driven by their emotions, not reason. New behaviours and people are commonplace. All in an effort to dull and run from their pressing emotions, and yet to try to feel something as well.
Give H time and space. Lots of both.
Focus on you. GAL. Live.
Yes, the emotional rollercoaster takes some time to find one’s way clear of it. Detachment is the single best thing one can do for themselves when starting out. Let go the rope or be dragged.
In your supporting of son (and daughter), and with some gentle steering, suggest the 24-48 hour rule. Son realized he messaged out of anger. Guide him to allow time for such feelings to flit so he doesn’t just react. Act from reason, more than react from emotion. A good lesson for one’s life.
Hang in there MA.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Thanks DnJ, one day at a time at the minute, which is better than a month ago when it was 1 hour at a time! Still learning but grateful for all the wisdom on here. Good day today with S, looking at prospective uni for Sept & then lunch and shopping. Very proud of the young man he has become. Not all is bad in the world!
Count your blessings every day. Enjoy every minute of the day. Starting with the first breaths you take when you wake up. Stay in the moment all day long. Enjoy and take notice of the good feelings the hot water in the shower feels. Same with the good smells of your shampoo....if it does not smell good to you, get new shampoo that does...
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I'm struggling today, tearful from the moment I woke & trying to keep it together as I've got a full day at work. I've got strong urges to reach out to H today, which I'm not following but wanted to ask a question. Whatever happens H is the father of our children. I can see he's trying his best to stay in touch with them but they're older and angry & understandably are only doing it on their terms. My question is, if I want to remain on good friendly terms with H regardless of the outcome of our relationship, how do I go about setting the foundations for this at this stage of DB? I want to ask him to go for a coffee to tell him about what the kids are doing etc because he's only getting their angry side. If I reflect on my reasons for wanting this, I will admit that its partly just to see him & hear him but there is another part that wants this all to be amicable. How do people approach different stages? Even as I'm writing this, I'm answering some of my questions. I think the reason I feel so wretched is that he has been in contact with kids & my hope has been sparked again because he's been asking about me, telling them how much he cares for me, showing signs of interest at what I'm doing & also saying how depressing his bedsit is! However, there is still no getting away from the fact that he still chooses OW. I just want it to get easier. I have days where I think I can cope with anything the universe throws at me and days like today where I feel I can't cope on my own. I'm rambling again (never a good sign!)
I’d recommend leave H alone and direct your energies in other directions: you, your health, your friends, your kids. Plan adventures for yourself. Make family memories with your kids.
