Rock I know you're struggling. I am too so don't take this as me putting you down or bragging about how well I'm doing, I'm not. The thing is I finally have stopped operating out of fear and have really stopped looking back to see if what I'm doing is working. It was HARD getting here. It's not so hard staying here though. I am happier and see things more clearly. I am seeing things in our old R that I was overlooking. I have no desire to go back to our old R and will not. I still love her dearly and don't want to think about a future without her. I also don't want to think about a future that looks like our past. I don't have any sage words of wisdom or magic tricks to help you get through this. Just know that the people giving you advice know what they're talking about. I'm finally getting there and it is so much easier. My stress level is almost zero concerning our R. I'm aware of how things are going. I just don't worry much anymore. Do yourself a favor and just let her go. Hang in there, we're all pulling for you.
Know that my advice comes from kindness and a genuine desire for you to self-improve. Some members have been like “How does that look exactly?” and your answers are very fluffy, like “working on being a better person, being a good Dad, letting it all go.” Nothing concrete.
Very well put. The more concrete the better.
Rock, if you want different results, you need to interact with her different. The best way to interact with her right now is not to interact at all. If you believe you need to interact with her, give is concrete details beforehand and seek other options. Then you can make your choice.
BttrFly is an amazingly valuable resourse for you. She can be a mirror into ways for you to become rock2.0 that has so much potential to attract your W back. Us guys only have second hand understanding of what a woman finds attractive in male behavior.
I wish you well.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I expect that I will be interacting with W about S today. I am not seeking it out or setting it up but I want to be prepared to stay within my boundaries and be strong when we talk.
I plan to stick to the intentions of the conversation: coparenting and supporting S’s needs. I anticipate that W might bring up her allegations of tracking. If so I plan to calmly follow the suggestions here:
“I have no interest or reason to track you. If you are being tracked or there is a stalker, for your own safety, please report it to the police.”
I expect that I will be interacting with W about S today. I am not seeking it out or setting it up but I want to be prepared to stay within my boundaries and be strong when we talk.
How in the world do you expect this then? Did someone on the street tell you? Is it because your W alway calls you on this day to discuss S? Can you see why this comes across wishy-washy?
What are your boundaries? Have they changed recently? Boundaries recommended here were to have no contact.
I would interact with your W about S now as if she got a restraining order on you. If your (S) lives at a community-based home or you with you with in home support services tell them that you cannot be the messenger between them and your W anymore. they will need to either talk with both of you at the same time or they will have to rely any conversation you had with them to your W. This way she cannot bring up her allegations.
M:51 W:43 T:17 M:15 S:13 D11 10/2022 BD/IHS 03/2023 W moves out
No contact is not practical nor what I am working on in IC.
Is it practical to be your W messenger about S when she has accused you of being a stocker? Or would it be more practical for your W to hear about your S from the horses mouth.
is your IC encouraging contact with W knowing that she has accused you of stalking her?
No contact may be out of your control if your if your W gets a restraining order on you. Plus think about the pain it would bring to your kids. I would think that the messenger position is no longer worth it.
M:51 W:43 T:17 M:15 S:13 D11 10/2022 BD/IHS 03/2023 W moves out
Dats, I appreciate your input. You raise very valid concerns.
I intend to treat my W and family respectfully with healthy boundaries. I value collaborating well with her regarding our S’s needs and also in honoring her as his mother. I am working on being clear with my intentions with my communication.
In so doing, I am taking care to set aside other expectations that are not appropriate or healthy for me and stopping pursuit and other behaviours that violate my core beliefs and veer me away from my goals and purpose.
So I plan to continue to communicate well with W about S’s healthcare needs. This is also in his best interests. I continue to lead in this area.
True, W has not been behaving as team on the same side as me and our family. She has been acting in ways that hurt our relationships and our family. We are miles apart in so many ways, so it does not make sense for me to include her in many aspects of our family.
This is another area where I have stopped pursuit. I am not trying to make us a happy family together with W when that would deny reality. I am not planning family activities for us together with W.
Dats, I appreciate your input. You raise very valid concerns.
I intend to treat my W and family respectfully with healthy boundaries. I value collaborating well with her regarding our S’s needs and also in honoring her as his mother. I am working on being clear with my intentions with my communication.
In so doing, I am taking care to set aside other expectations that are not appropriate or healthy for me and stopping pursuit and other behaviours that violate my core beliefs and veer me away from my goals and purpose.
So I plan to continue to communicate well with W about S’s healthcare needs. This is also in his best interests. I continue to lead in this area.
True, W has not been behaving as team on the same side as me and our family. She has been acting in ways that hurt our relationships and our family. We are miles apart in so many ways, so it does not make sense for me to include her in many aspects of our family.
This is another area where I have stopped pursuit. I am not trying to make us a happy family together with W when that would deny reality. I am not planning family activities for us together with W.
I am continuing to work on this in IC.
I hope the best for you. I hope you make peace with your suffering. I heard this quote from one of my learnings “ pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional”. It’s up to you how you respond to your suffering.
M:51 W:43 T:17 M:15 S:13 D11 10/2022 BD/IHS 03/2023 W moves out
