Learning the ropes

[MA1970]

I'm loving all the suggestions. I got a haircut & colour last week. I tend to stick to same perfumes but might treat myself to a new fragrance. I'm already on to the clothes & have asked my daughter to help me choose a new dress and a new top.

I have felt more detached yesterday and today and thus been able to see a little clearer & not through the rose coloured glasses I have been wearing since the big reveal!

I have a question - I am in no contact with H but want to organise some nights out for the next month. Due to D's anxiety, I would prefer if H could stay with her while I'm out. Should I text, email him with dates & how should I word it so its a fairly neutral statement?

[Kind18]

Why not send her to a friend’s house? Someone she knows/trusts, could even have a sleep over.

If he was interested in being a parent, he’d be bugging you about spending time with his kids.

Not your job to facilitate that.

If he asks - then great.

If he doesn’t, then make other plans.

This smells a bit like you trying to have a reason to contact him or shoehorn him into a relationship with D.

Let him simmer in the oven, and stop opening it to check.

[Ready2Change]

I have a question - I am in no contact with H but want to organize some nights out for the next month. Due to D's anxiety, I would prefer if H could stay with her while I'm out. Should I text, email him with dates & how should I word it so its a fairly neutral statement?

I would ask D what she would prefer. She is old enough to make these kind of decisions.

[MA1970]

Thanks Kind and R2C. Good advice & something to think about there Kind in terms of the function of me asking. If I'm honest, I think there is a little bit of me wanting him to see that I'm getting on with my life. This is the third day where I feel I can detach and see the bigger picture so I am grateful for both your insights.

[DnJ]

Good Morning MA

I am in no contact with H but want to organise some nights out for the next month. Due to D's anxiety, I would prefer if H could stay with her while I'm out.

What would D prefer? From my experience kids manage their anxiety better when they have a hand in the outcome. Having Dad around for an evening pushing his agenda upon her would likely ramp up her feelings.

If I'm honest, I think there is a little bit of me wanting him to see that I'm getting on with my life.

I understand wanting to show H you are getting on with your life. Best way to do that, is to get on with your life. Without checking to see if he is looking or not. Believe me, he is. The spouse watches their old life and those they left behind.

D

[MA1970]

There is so much more to be learned! I think my daughter is still my vulnerable spot. I'm terrified of the impact of H's behaviour on her and as a few have pointed out, I need to allow her to make her own choices. She has said a couple of times that she would rather have her friends round than spend an evening with her dad & I need to start respecting her wishes so thank you for the guidance kind, R2C & DnJ.

As for me, today was a little more difficult. Its weekend and that's always harder because I know its when he sees OW. I went out for a coffee with an old friend who just sent me a lovely message "It was lovely to see you M - and I was pleased to see that you are strong . I’m sure you’ll have your ups and downs but you’re doing brilliantly . And I thought you looked so beautiful - but you are M , inside and out .
Look after those lovely kids of yours and take care of yourself .
I’ll get in touch in about a month and hopefully we can meet up again . Xxx❤️ "

I've had so many similar messages when people have found out. I think whatever happens including my worse case scenario, I'll be ok. I just need to ride the current storm and remind myself to notice rather than respond immediately to those strong urges that pull me back to neediness & my own vulnerability.

I just wanted to say thank you for all the support & guidance. I remember my first post when I wasn't certain there was an OW & someone commented that there almost definitely was. I hated reading it & took huge offence, nearly downing tools & leaving the site. I'm so glad I didn't the advice both in response to my own posts and reading others has been invaluable in keeping me thoughtful of my reactions, which I have no doubt will pay dividends in the long run one way or another.

[DnJ]

Hello MA

I’m glad you stayed around too.

D

[Cadet]

I'll be ok

This is a valuable point in time.
And part of the process.

Always trust the process.

I am glad you have reached this point.

Keep posting

[Kind18]

Kind in terms of the function of me asking. If I'm honest, I think there is a little bit of me wanting him to see that I'm getting on with my life.

I get that. It’s completely normal.

But it’s also a total waste of time. WAS/WS will deliberately seek out validation that they’re doing the right thing, and ignore anything which suggests otherwise.

Next time you feel the need to try and show your H something, go and hit yourself over the head with a saucepan. Because it’s going to have the same effect.

Remember - he has to work this stuff out FOR HIMSELF. You can’t do it for him.

It’s like telling a kid not to lean back on a chair… it’s a repetitive waste of your time right up until they fall backwards and crack their head onto the concrete. Only when they work it out FOR THEMSELVES will they stop tipping their chair back. They’re literally like belligerent, know-it-all teenagers who can’t be told a thing.

Next time you try and engineer an interaction with him or show him something - picture a big red stop sign. It’s useful imagery to change your behaviour.

[MA1970]

You have a way with words kind18. Your post made me chuckle & really resonated.

Last week, H text & asked if I was OK, I responded saying I was trying to be ok & we had a bit of pleasant dialogue & then he just stopped the message. I know all my mistakes in this & am definitely feeling like I gain a bit more strength every week. Tonight, he messaged me again to ask if I was OK? I opened the message but didn't reply (I'd just got back from a 5 mile walk in torrential rain & wanted a shower). In the meantime, he'd messaged D asking if I was OK & then saying I wasn't answering his message. I had my shower, dried my hair and was going to reply "I'm good thanks" & leave it at that but he'd sent another message to say he was taking D for a meal on the day I'm taking S to open day at university & asked what time I would be home? I replied I don't know but I'll text D to let her know ETA. He then replied OK with a kiss. I didn't respond.

Have I got the message this week about right? I don't feel I'm game playing. I genuinely feel OK & would have responded if he had waited. I'm trying to think friendly flatmate but also second guessing my every move.