Cut off all contact with OM. W and I tell OM this clearly. All mementos and photos of their R destroyed. W engage with IC to understand why the A and prevent future recurrence. W and I talk about the A with support of MC for the purpose of our individual and shared healing. W shows that she will listen to me and care about my pain and the damage to our M and family. No secrets. W do what it takes to reassure me that A is over and she is faithful to me and our vows. Trust, honesty and accountability in our R measured by each spouse feeling cared for, loved, valued and respected by each other. We prioritize our R over our kids. We make sex a priority. We listen to and support each other’s hopes, goals, dreams. We learn what each of us wants in our new M and determine not to go back to how it was.
She's left. She's living somewhere else. Your list of conditions for her return is irrelevant. I'm sorry. You're still trying to control this.
You can't.
Stop wasting your time.
Stop putting nails in the coffin of any possible recon down the road.
Accept that she is living somewhere else.
Accept that your marriage, as it was, is over.
Why, Rock, do you continue to give this woman control?
Stop it.
Focus on your kids.
Figure out why you're so co-dependent in relationships.
Heal that part of yourself.
That's the only way you're going to have a shot down the road of maybe having a new marriage with your current spouse.
The only thing I was sure of at my BD was that I personally had zero interest in being married to someone who didn't want to be married to me, and I said that within the first five minutes of his telling me he wanted a divorce.
It did not mean I wanted a divorce. I wanted my marriage to heal and certainly be different than it had been. But, man, there's no way I wanted to sign up for a lifetime of fighting to be with someone who did not want to be with me.
He did not expect the response he got from me at BD. It took the wind out of his sails, quite a bit.
You aren't taking any wind out of her sails.
You're constantly validating why she left, every single time you engage with her the same old way.
For the sake of yourself and any hope you have of a recon down the road, STOP IT.
Sometimes when I start getting angry and confused, and my emotions get the best of me, I do an exercise identifying my problems in one column and then another column identify what’s in my control and another column identify what is out of my control than I hide the column that’s out of my control so I can just concentrate on the stuff that’s in my control. sounds simple but it works
Examples of what is in our control = our opinions, attitudes, aspirations, dreams, desires, and goals. We control how we spend our time, what books we consume, what advice we follow, how productive we are, what we eat, the number of hours we choose to sleep, and who we choose to spend time with.
what is outside our control sits everything else: the family and body you were born into, how life’s events unfolded, the weather, the economy, other people including your W…
Trying to control or change your W isn’t within your controL. That is why she is draining your energy and leaving you in torment. What you can control is how you perceive the situation, how you react to it, and how you respond or don’t respond .
The reality is this: Even though you might not like the situation you are in with your W, you can choose to accept it. Once you learn to accept it, and then focus on what you can control, you win.
M:51 W:43 T:17 M:15 S:13 D11 10/2022 BD/IHS 03/2023 W moves out
Thanks everyone. I just got home from an over the top awesome and amazing weekend away with D. Her BF (who is really great) just came and picked her up to go out.
I’m so happy. And so grieved. I am listening and learning everytime you give me feedback, 2x4s whatever.
BF, I don’t know what, if anything more to say to D about how I am proceeding forward in relation to W. She loves her mom so much and has been really going there and connecting with her mom lately. Im happy about that. This is not easy for D and Im so proud of her. Any more ideas of how/what if anything I might or should say to D about my way forward? As I type this, I am thinking: Carry on, be strong, reach out, pray, and just Be There for D.
I am doing my best and finding this overwhelmingly difficult.
DnJ, ideas?
Last edited by DnJ; 03/20/2302:02 PM. Reason: Corrected typos.
why do you have to tell her anything? she's your daughter, not your confidante, and your relationship with her mother, while it certainly affects her, is absolutely none of her business.
If she asks, tell her that you love her, her mother loves her, but your relationship with each other is something the two of you (you and w) need to figure out on your own.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
why do you have to tell her anything? she's your daughter, not your confidante, and your relationship with her mother, while it certainly affects her, is absolutely none of her business.
If she asks, tell her that you love her, her mother loves her, but your relationship with each other is something the two of you (you and w) need to figure out on your own.
I don’t know what, if anything more to say to D about how I am proceeding forward in relation to W.
Your relationship with W, doing nothing is doing something.
Your relationship with D, gentle steering, answering her questions, and conversing when appropriate. I suspect daughter has found her balance, her equilibrium, regarding Mom and you.
Originally Posted by Rockon
Any more ideas of how/what if anything I might or should say to D about my way forward?
I have some ideas.
Originally Posted by Rockon
W lives with MIL, has not given me any indication or reassurance she is not in contact with OM or wants to R. Therefore, I am focusing on what’s before me and what is important for my growth and becoming who I want to be.
Firstly, make your way forward. Saying it is good. That organizes and crafts the direction or heading you wish to traverse.
Secondly, from above: “Therefore, I am focusing…”. Do not utilize “therefore”. Nope. Make your way forward. For you! Become the man you want to be. Regardless if W comes along or not. And especially not just because she isn’t.
Thirdly, keep moving forward. Live it. Find your joy. Truly live it.
Fourthly, “Carry on, be strong, reach out, pray, and just Be There for D.” Yes, absolutely be there for your kids.
Which brings us to, you more show D than tell her. In fact, you more show yourself too. (And W, and friends, etc).
It’s kind of strange you will tell more of your path by telling less of it.
An example. My kids come over and ask how things are going. I show them the house remodelling, the new wall panels, the ceiling, the lights. We talk about what I’ve been doing. The problems with fishing the wiring through the old wall. And so on.
And of course, I ask how they are doing. What they’ve been up to. And they tell me all manner of things and events ongoing in their lives. Very little of that regards Mom, since she is a wee part of their lives.
Healed, whole, and happy. Focus on you and your blessings. Become who you are meant to be. Live that which is truly important.
Originally Posted by Rockon
I’m so happy. And so grieved.
I do understand and empathize with you, and with where you are on your journey. Let go W.
We all come to a realization, a point, when we truly do this for ourselves, and not to win back our spouse. I think you are on the cusp of such a shift.
Time and space my friend. Focus on you. Heal. Continue forward.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
"If someone is tracking and stalking you, for your own safety, call the police and report it."
This is now a couple days after any interaction with W about her accusations. Do you recommend I send that in an email now or respond with that only if she brings it up again?
why do you have to tell her anything? she's your daughter, not your confidante, and your relationship with her mother, while it certainly affects her, is absolutely none of her business.
If she asks, tell her that you love her, her mother loves her, but your relationship with each other is something the two of you (you and w) need to figure out on your own.
adding this look up parentifying look up parental alienation
those are your hard limits
boundaries aren't porous when it comes to your relationships in this instance
you have a relationship with your daughter: you and daughter. closed loop
her mother has a relationship with her as well: mother and daughter, closed loop
you and w: closed loop..
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
what did you say to her so far about this, was it text, email or phone call and when? '
is there truly a stalker?
Originally Posted by Rockon
New day new focus new resolve.
And a question re:
"If someone is tracking and stalking you, for your own safety, call the police and report it."
This is now a couple days after any interaction with W about her accusations. Do you recommend I send that in an email now or respond with that only if she brings it up again?
Thanks
Last edited by bttrfly; 03/20/2303:52 PM.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
