Cut off all contact with OM. W and I tell OM this clearly. All mementos and photos of their R destroyed. W engage with IC to understand why the A and prevent future recurrence. W and I talk about the A with support of MC for the purpose of our individual and shared healing. W shows that she will listen to me and care about my pain and the damage to our M and family. No secrets. W do what it takes to reassure me that A is over and she is faithful to me and our vows. Trust, honesty and accountability in our R measured by each spouse feeling cared for, loved, valued and respected by each other. We prioritize our R over our kids. We make sex a priority. We listen to and support each other’s hopes, goals, dreams. We learn what each of us wants in our new M and determine not to go back to how it was.
She's left. She's living somewhere else. Your list of conditions for her return is irrelevant. I'm sorry. You're still trying to control this.
You can't.
Stop wasting your time.
Stop putting nails in the coffin of any possible recon down the road.
Accept that she is living somewhere else.
Accept that your marriage, as it was, is over.
Why, Rock, do you continue to give this woman control?
Stop it.
Focus on your kids.
Figure out why you're so co-dependent in relationships.
Heal that part of yourself.
That's the only way you're going to have a shot down the road of maybe having a new marriage with your current spouse.
The only thing I was sure of at my BD was that I personally had zero interest in being married to someone who didn't want to be married to me, and I said that within the first five minutes of his telling me he wanted a divorce.
It did not mean I wanted a divorce. I wanted my marriage to heal and certainly be different than it had been. But, man, there's no way I wanted to sign up for a lifetime of fighting to be with someone who did not want to be with me.
He did not expect the response he got from me at BD. It took the wind out of his sails, quite a bit.
You aren't taking any wind out of her sails.
You're constantly validating why she left, every single time you engage with her the same old way.
For the sake of yourself and any hope you have of a recon down the road, STOP IT.
