Friends: Season 4--Struggling for balance

[Underdog]

Karen,

Well, I wish I knew when I actually typed what I was really trying to say. Some of the times, I do. But in the case of the past few days of posts, digesting and observing is what has given me clarity and more direction.

What I DO know is that I won't be taking another trip to limbo. My goal in bringing up the R talk on Saturday night was to attempt to understand where he is in the decision making process. Yes, I received flowers with a swell card, but they did not tell me for sure that he was working on the decision.

Because I was typing the post right after the call and very late at night, I didn't have the insight I did the following day. My thoughts were sort of jumbled though forming a more cohesive train of thought. It took a little more time to zero in on specifics.

There were so many other things that we discussed that I didn't post. Some of them were big things. Like the fact he told me point blank that if I hadn't made such incredible progress on my anger and bitterness, we wouldn't even be talking now. He also commended me for stopping a cycle that became the source of a lot of discontent, anger and resentment: resolving all the problems that weren't mine to fix.

For those of you who don't know my life with Mr. W., this is HUGE. I realized along the way that I needed to adopt a hands-off policy where issues didn't concern me. Read: if there are consequences for not taking action to mop up the mess before it caused collateral damage, those consequences MUST BE BORNE in order for both of us to proceed to the next step.

For one, he mentioned to me that dealing with D10s anger and disappointment and realizing how he had contributed to that equation were what started his wheels thinking. He HATES hurting her, but I was no longer pretending that I had to soothe her feelings so he didn't see her agitation.

He was forced to figure out a way to address this with her (in his own way and time). And you know what? It only helped him work through some of his previous unwillingness to work through the conflict. His MO before would have been: Screw this. Betsey will clean up this mess. Well, Betsey stopped doing it.

And by addressing with him how I truly feel, he was able to see that I was not using my emotion to blame him or make him feel guilty. When I initially called him, I told him that I was suffering. Instead of ending the call (which he would have done 6 months ago at that point), he asked me to tell him what makes me suffer?

I told him it's been really hard not knowing how the pendulum will swing, the fact that I haven't had attention or affection from him and any prioritization in the grand scheme of things. He became very empathetic and validated my feelings and apologized for deeply hurting me by his actions and inactions.

I told him I accepted the apology but wanted him to know that I know he didn't deliberately set out to hurt me. It happened as a consequence of his decisions. And then we turned that around to address all the good that came of out our separation.

I admit that it was tough to hear that he enjoys being away from us on a regular basis. He said it isn't as much about me and the girls or the stress we bring as much as it is that our life has been way too emotional. I could have launched into my own tangent and commented, "Well, that's the way it is, so get over it."

I didn't. I told him I understood. I can't comment how often I've thought that I wanted to run away. The first 3 years of D7's life was living hell, and I still have difficulty forcing myself to remember things that happened in that time frame. Unfortunately, the good events are eliminated too.. because I know immediately what was going on that was distracting. ("Oh, I remember that. That was fun. But didn't it get cut short because D7 got sick and wound up in the hospital for a week?" OR "Remember our 10th anniversary? It was the first time in years that we went out to eat in a good restaurant that wasn't the Burger King adjacent to the hospital.")

I have difficulty navigating through this, and I'm in a much better position to identify, label, process and file those feelings away than he is. And I can say without pause that all of my feelings about that past are uncomfortable and foreign.

And on top of that, he had to deal with his mother and her issues with me and her caterwauling about D7's diagnosis. I have to say she was devastated the day we found out she was epileptic. Mr. Wonderful's comments to her mirrored my own, "Jeez, Mom, that's treatable. What isn't is the fact that she is developmentally disabled. We can't cure that and we're going to have an adult disabled child to worry about for the rest of our lives. Get a grip!"

Karen, this IS different from before. Before I was testing the waters to see if he had made a decision. Each round of discussions has given me more direction and courage to tackle his fears head on.

It's provided me with enough information to realize that he HAS made a decision. He doesn't want a divorce. What is the alternative? Well, it's a no-brainer for me and ther rest of us here, but he doesn't feel it's a no brainer. Because he is absolutely terrified of what it's going to entail to work through this stuff.

I HAVE had the benefit of doing this on my own timeline and without him being in my space. That has literally been a godsend. He does things differently and I see that he is going to need me and the girls to help him work through these things.

A note about Gary... he told me a couple weeks ago that he's finding out that he needs space from Gary too. It seems as though Gary is now one who calls him a little more frequently than he would like to do things. And now Mr. Wonderful feels as though some other person has encroached upon the free time he values so much.

While I agree that Gary is not OW, I hope those of you who are battling this can see it IS a symptom and not the cause or the cure. I'll make the parallel to my own life. Gary was fun as long as he didn't want anything from Mr. Wonderful that he wasn't willing to give. The moment he wanted more, it became a red flag, signalling that it was no longer fun.

One can only hope that he really thinks I'm more fun in the long run. At least I don't fart for fun!

Betsey