Yes I do feel it is for me and why I posted here. Came really close to sending, but decided to go this route instead. I realize she fired me as her husband, although she seems to like the benefits of being married I don’t feel like she’s ever felt the consequences of her actions, which I have played a large part in. This message would lay it clear that I don’t intend to do it any longer. I think part of it is me wanting to give her a reason for the DBing that is taking place and ramping up. She makes decisions knowing that I will pick up the slack with our kids.
“ understand dropping the rope. Do you honestly think this letter is dropping the rope? Seems more like planting a bomb.”
- I see you point here for sure. Is there ever a time to drop a bomb? In my state my only course of action is to divorce to have her leave the house. I do not want to be the one to leave at all and not ready for Divorce. I will stay the course for now with some big time DB.
“Yes, you are the responsible one. The Father figure. How's her relationship with her own father, btw? Just curious.“
- They are not very close emotionally. My In Laws are still married but more like long time friends. They don’t sleep in same room and my FIL is not very engaged with what goes on around him. He is a good man, but seems to stay disengaged.
“You're coming off as judgmental, condescending, demanding, controlling, far more an authoritarian parent than a wronged partner. Did you behave this way during your marriage? Did any of that behaviour maybe play into your being here in the first place?”
- I believe that my codependency has enabled and been controlling and manipulative in the past yes. I also am working through all of that I’m Al-Anon and with Christ. I can see how this comes off as that.
“You are not responsible for her addictions. Plural. You are not responsible for her recovery, should she choose to be in recovery. You did not create the $h!tstorm inside of her brain, BUT you can certainly make things a h3ll of a lot worse.”
- Didn’t Cause it, Can’t Control it, Can’t cure it
“You remember the setting fire to things incidents? Plural. Do you or your kids really need a replay of that?”
- oh yes, those were good times.
“Ultimatums don't work, ever, with anyone.”
- Makes sense based on what I’ve read. I will continue with plan to hardcore DB and see what it brings.
“That letter is a cop-out. You're here to learn how to communicate. Communication is a two way street. Use your words wisely. Listen deeply. Know when to hold 'em and know when to fold 'em. How's the STFU smoothie card? Gotten any more smoothies punched out? This letter will just get you punched out.”
- I 100% agree on communication. My smoothie card has quite a few spaces to go still, but it will be filled soon enough. I have to utilize the board more, wish it was a better format for phones. I do bounce a lot off of my program support people for myself, but marriage advice is all over the place. Need to stay here with what works.
“ You're not God, the priest or her minister. It isn't your job to point out any of that to her. It comes off as really offensive and self-righteous. Why don't you hand it to her with divorce papers, because giving her this letter is going to blow up in your face big time.”
- Agreed I am not any of those. I am her husband, it is hard to watch the degradation of one you love. Another reason I didn’t hit send. I do try to put it in Gods hands each day.
“I’m not saying be a Persian carpet for her to walk all over. There are better ways to make your points. First, what's your ultimate goal - Yours, not hers. What is your ultimate goal for this marriage?”
- My ultimate goal for me is to be the Man I was created to be. To be a man that has peace and health in all aspects of my life. I want to live with integrity and by my values. I have been blessed with what I have been given and have to be the best me to be able to hold onto anything. I am a work in progress, but have grown immensely in so many areas. - For my marriage my goal is to keep my marriage and family together. Not I’m the way it was but a new healthy marriage and family with God as the foundation.
I don’t feel like she’s ever felt the consequences of her actions, which I have played a large part in. This message would lay it clear that I don’t intend to do it any longer. I think part of it is me wanting to give her a reason for the DBing that is taking place and ramping up. She makes decisions knowing that I will pick up the slack with our kids. 
