Cut off all contact with OM. W and I tell OM this clearly. All mementos and photos of their R destroyed. W engage with IC to understand why the A and prevent future recurrence. W and I talk about the A with support of MC for the purpose of our individual and shared healing. W shows that she will listen to me and care about my pain and the damage to our M and family. No secrets. W do what it takes to reassure me that A is over and she is faithful to me and our vows. Trust, honesty and accountability in our R measured by each spouse feeling cared for, loved, valued and respected by each other. We prioritize our R over our kids. We make sex a priority. We listen to and support each other’s hopes, goals, dreams. We learn what each of us wants in our new M and determine not to go back to how it was.
Hi Rockon, Based on your list I’m assuming W is still in contact with OM, separated from you living with her mom, and hasn’t said that she would like to reconcile since your attempts at detaching/doing a 180. How does this list help you make plans for looking after yourself living the kind of life you want now?
Right now in our situations we should be concentrating all our energy on us GAL (becoming a better person. someone no women could refuse)? If we are consciously living our lives now we’re accepting our reality and not denying where we’re at in our relationships with our W.
Here is a revised list that could be used for your next relationship (maybe your W or maybe not) for the new and improved you.
Trust, honesty and accountability in our R measured by each spouse feeling cared for, loved, valued and respected by each other. We prioritize our R over our kids. We make sex a priority. We listen to and support each other’s hopes, goals, dreams. We learn what each of us wants in our new M and determine
Another list now could be based off your progress and what actions you take to get you where you want to be.
As always take or leave any feedback from me. Hopefully you are doing well now and trust that this will get better.
Last edited by Dats000; 03/17/2305:00 PM.
M:51 W:43 T:17 M:15 S:13 D11 10/2022 BD/IHS 03/2023 W moves out
Thanks Dats, I appreciate your feedback and input and yes you are correct. W lives with MIL, has not given me any indication or reassurance she is not in contact with OM or wants to R. Therefore, I am focusing on what’s before me and what is important for my growth and becoming who I want to be.
I like that revised list and, “Another list now could be based off your progress and what actions you take to get you where you want to be.”
Thanks Dats, I appreciate your feedback and input and yes you are correct. W lives with MIL, has not given me any indication or reassurance she is not in contact with OM or wants to R. Therefore, I am focusing on what’s before me and what is important for my growth and becoming who I want to be.
I like that revised list and, “Another list now could be based off your progress and what actions you take to get you where you want to be.”
Another thing about living life consciously. Is to be able to take peoples feedback which you are doing quite well. Now it’s time to act on your plan🤘
M:51 W:43 T:17 M:15 S:13 D11 10/2022 BD/IHS 03/2023 W moves out
I learned a lot in this area after BD. The way I interact with my lady is way different than the way I interacted with my X. "She comes First" was a good read. Learning what turns a woman on is also a good skill to have. Do your research now during this phase of the process.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I learned a lot in this area after BD. The way I interact with my lady is way different than the way I interacted with my X. "She comes First" was a good read. Learning what turns a woman on is also a good skill to have. Do your research now during this phase of the process.
Pun was intended! 🤣. Have to check it out. Thanks
M:51 W:43 T:17 M:15 S:13 D11 10/2022 BD/IHS 03/2023 W moves out
I am detaching - not detached yet. Working on it. Definitely not indifferent. Still have major mood swings and intense emotions. Taking care to be settled and safe with them.
W and I connected about some aspects of Ss care today. She voiced how incredibly stressed she is, said if she has any more stress she will end up in the hospital, I asked if she’d like to tell me more and if there’s any way we can support her with what she needs.mShe told. Me she is worried about everything and is thankful for how well I am taking care of our house. She said we might have to get the house ready to sell. I STFU and listened.I have told S and D I don’t plan to sell the house but that also I can’t predict the future.
She voiced how incredibly stressed she is, said if she has any more stress she will end up in the hospital, I asked if she’d like to tell me more and if there’s any way we can support her with what she needs.
Hey Rock!
You’re doing a good job, but I don’t think was a good move.
Once she told you about it, validate “Gee, that sounds tough” or “sounds like you’re under a lot of pressure” - and then STFU.
Fixing or offering to fix (“support her”) is a one way ticket to the friend zone. Listen, validate - then leave.
You need to keep your emotions and protective instinct aside.
To completely detach and become indifferent will likely take years with your codependency and attachment issues so no need to constantly measure it.
You should be withdrawing all financial and emotional support while your stbxw is in an affair. Give her time and space and let her wrestle with her decisions.
You have to be the rock for your children. Be a man of your word. If you tell them you intend on keeping the house then be a man of your word and keep it. If you don’t intend to keep it then don’t tell them you do. If you’re unsure then that she be your answer.
Become the man you want to be and the rest will work itself out.
Hey Rock! Hope you are well! I agree with Kind, this is the type of test I’ve been falling into as well. Sometimes I realize it and STFU other times I realize as I’m offering my advice or services. Its tough. I love reading your posts, keep on moving forward!
