WW Help (3)

[bttrfly]

Hi Bf,

I’m writing thoughts out that I’ve wanted to say for awhile and haven’t.

So, this is for you, not her. A venting of your spleen? Which, btw, is perfectly understandable and ok to get out, but not necessarily getting you closer to your goal of staying married to her.

I don’t think anyone is telling her what the consequences for her family is by her actions.

Why do you think this is your job? She's fired you as her husband. Do not forget that.

I have remained silent and understanding through most of this with her. I can’t do it anymore, I have to drop the rope for further personal growth.

I understand dropping the rope. Do you honestly think this letter is dropping the rope? Seems more like planting a bomb.

She told me the other night that she slipped and texted this 22 year old she’s been talking to and also took on different hours at work.

That must have been very hard to hear.

The assumptions of me being here for her to make money to leave me is absurd. She knows that I will take care of the kids and the house.

Yes, you are the responsible one. The Father figure. How's her relationship with her own father, btw? Just curious.

This would put out there that exactly what I expect from her if she wanted to have any relationship with me.

But FM, she's told you that she doesn't want to be married to you any more. She wants to move out. She wants to be friends.

Your letter, and forgive me for the harshness here - all it says is that you're stuck. You still believe you're in a marriage. Your marriage, AS IT WAS, is OVER.

I'll go further (because you knew there was more, right?)

You're coming off as judgmental, condescending, demanding, controlling, far more an authoritarian parent than a wronged partner. Did you behave this way during your marriage? Did any of that behaviour maybe play into your being here in the first place?

You are not responsible for her addictions. Plural.
You are not responsible for her recovery, should she choose to be in recovery.
You did not create the $h!tstorm inside of her brain, BUT you can certainly make things a h3ll of a lot worse.

Sending this letter? That will only make things worse.

You remember the setting fire to things incidents? Plural. Do you or your kids really need a replay of that?

Ultimatums don't work, ever, with anyone.

I know she will be asking why my change of attitude and this explains it without a conversation.

That letter is a cop-out. You're here to learn how to communicate. Communication is a two way street. Use your words wisely. Listen deeply. Know when to hold 'em and know when to fold 'em. How's the STFU smoothie card? Gotten any more smoothies punched out? This letter will just get you punched out.

And anything you put in writing can and will probably be used against you in a divorce.

I have no idea if I will send, leaning towards not, but I’ve never been this black and white with her. Im not giving up on the marriage, but as a Christian I think she needs to be confronted and I don’t think anyone else is doing that. I hope that makes sense.

You're not God, the priest or her minister. It isn't your job to point out any of that to her. It comes off as really offensive and self-righteous. Why don't you hand it to her with divorce papers, because giving her this letter is going to blow up in your face big time.


I'm not saying be a Persian carpet for her to walk all over. There are better ways to make your points. First, what's your ultimate goal - Yours, not hers. What is your ultimate goal for this marriage?