One of the most powerful things the newbies can do is think about other posters sitch and use logic to give them sound advise. There is no emotional attachment. It then comes back to help you in your own sitch.
How many times do you think I have thought about other peoples sitch, then be able recognize it in my life and respond much better than I would if I just did what I felt like?
Reviewing others' situations is important, but DB is counter-intuitive.
You cannot simply learn how to DB without being challenged along the way by people who have come before, earned their stripes and are willing to help.
Over the past 6 months at least, if not longer, I've watched vets challenge posters, only to be told they were too harsh, or not to post on their threads any more, or whining about where's the safe space, or the worst yet - dumping and running.
You don't learn a darn thing when you're in retreat.
You learn when you're challenged.
You learn when you dig in and really look at your own part in your marriage, your behaviors, your attitudes, your responsibilities.
Anything else is theoretical and frankly, doesn't lead to the kind of growth that changes you from the person you were when your spouse BD'd you, or when you first got here.
Without change, your spouse has no reason to come back.
Why would anyone come back to what they already left behind?
Where would anyone here be if there were no vets who had tried and true experience to impart?
We've been finding that out lately, haven't we, to the community's detriment.
When someone isn't valued, they aren't likely to stay.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
