Sorry, edit. Speech to text and I didn't catch it right away.
He told me yesterday that he wants to try to work things out, and that we need to talk when he gets home from his trip. We've had several long phone conversations. However, he has not told me whether or not he plans to cut off the affair.
So that is not promising.
Some people would say as long as their spouse is fooling around, they are not interested in working things out.
Other people would say, "You know what? I'm ok being part of a three way relationship. I'm ok waiting this out regardless of what other people think."
Still other people would have yet a completely different take on this situation. There are as many people as there are opinions.
The worst thing anyone can do, IMHO, is to take a survey. So what do you do instead?
Don't worry about anything or anyone else's opinions, mine included.
Figure out what YOU want.
Meditate.
Pray for guidance.
Sit quietly, trusting that the answers will come.
Then act accordingly.
You need to be completely true to yourself, AS YOU ARE TODAY, and when it's time to take any action do so FREE FROM FEAR.
What do I mean, AS YOU ARE TODAY: * grief changes you * betrayal changes you and the dynamic of your relationship * you know who you were when you were single * you know who you were in your marriage * figure out who you are NOW, post BD
THE ONLY WAY to figure that out is to put in the work: quiet, peace, prayer/meditation.
Deep work which requires time, effort and patience.
I strongly suggest you read the archives and study the women who posted here: Sotto, Cat04, Grace, Rosalinda, to name a very few.
Read and keep re-reading the DR MLC chapter, if you think that an MLC is what's going on with your husband.
DO understand that he is not on your team at the moment, so treat him accordingly. What do I mean:
* Don't play games - don't be deliberately vague to make him jealous. That's baby stuff and stupid. He doesn't need to know any details about where you're going or who you're having dinner with if you're going out, but keep it vague because he's no longer in the circle of trust. Don't keep it vague because you're hoping for a reaction; that will come back and bite you in the @$$ every time.
* Snarky may feel good in the moment, but doesn't necessarily further your goals. In other words - don't get into a race to the bottom. Does anyone really want to win a race to the bottom? If you're in that race, and you win, what have you actually gained? My experience is it's much better to be kind, compassionate, yet firm and no-nonsense, striving to always take the high road.
Plus, bonus points because it infuriates the hell out of the spouse - hey I'm no saint - I said striving to take the high road. We're allowed to enjoy watching them squirm from time to time, given what we're put through.
That aside, by taking the high road you will get respect. They may not show it or say it in the moment, but trust me, you will get validation on this down the road. It's never ever wrong to take the high road while refusing to be a Persian carpet for someone to wipe their dirty shoes on as they walk all over you towards the door, or try to turn the door into a revolving one.
* DO understand that it's ok to listen, validate and respond with, "Thank you for talking with me about where you're at. I'm not ready to respond yet, as you've given me a lot to process and think about. I'll let you know when I've thought about this some more." Wash, rinse and repeat that as often as necessary ... see my next point.
* DO not be pushed into a conversation that could be detrimental to your end goal, BUT before you can even know what your end goal is YOU NEED TO KNOW WHAT IT IS YOU WANT and WHAT YOUR PERSONAL BOUNDARIES/DEALBREAKERS ARE.
* DO be honest, but non-committal until you know what you want.
* DO treat him like you'd treat a nosy co-worker who wants access to more information about your personal life than they have a right to know. Be polite, but you owe zero explanations that you don't want to give. This is hard to do if you don't know what your personal boundaries are. How can you uphold them if you haven't spent time really working on knowing what those boundaries are?
* DO understand that you deserve someone who loves you as much as you love them, is as honest, loyal and loving as you are. Is that your husband? Is he capable of that level of accountability, selflessness, honesty and loyalty? Does that remain to be seen? If he's truly in a MLC, it takes much longer than a few weeks or months to come out of that, with or without another party in the mix.
But most importantly, do YOUR work. In my experience, it took months to get my mind and heart to really separate myself mentally from my marriage, my husband, my family so that I was just me, Bttrfly, envisioning my life moving forward, what my core values were post BD, how I wanted to embody them regardless of the outcome of my marriage, what kind of relationships I wanted with friends, family, co-workers, even strangers. By doing that work, and doing it with vigilance and dedication, the rest became crystal clear.
This is the real work, and within that work are the real answers to any newcomers' questions.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
