Learning the ropes

[MA1970]

Thank you so much for caring R. I feel others seem to get it much better than me. D came back from dinner (turns out he just took her to McD's). She said he seemed annoyed that I'd gone out 2 Fridays in a row and said I can't be that upset! He also made reference to me being with another man on these nights out which firstly isn't true and secondly is inappropriate conversation for D(16)'s ears! He asked what time I got home & said again how I had taken my wedding ring off to go out with another man. Its bizarre how he makes whole situations up in his mind when the reality is I'm sat at home broken!

In terms of my team (great idea by the way). My biggest support is my mum. She's amazing & there for me whatever with great words of wisdom. She's asked me to do a timetable for the evenings this week to keep myself occupied. I've got a good friend who I walk 4.5miles with most nights. I think it was kind18 who said to do some more physical exercise but I've got an injured knee so I'm not sure I can commit to that st the minute. I've got another close friend who I meet for coffee at least once per week & she is good at providing a balance. I'm guilty of endless scrolling trying to find answers & I think this activity has been unhelpful this week. My food intake is still difficult. I've dropped 35lbs in 6 weeks. I'm trying the protein shakes but takes me half a day to finish one! On the positive side, I'm sleeping well and I'm fairly certain I'm not depressed, just distressed.

Thanks for the hugs, they're gratefully received at the minute

[DnJ]

Good Morning MA

You are doing fine. It’s very difficult in the beginning as we struggle with our emotions. And yes, some/most days it’s “acting as if”; and then one day you realize you aren’t acting anymore.

Detachment comes about in small steps. In fact, the entire journey is a series of small steps. Consider your latest step - H removing his wedding ring, and his “blaming” of you. This stirs emotions within you. Feelings that you will now process.

One’s journey is multi-faceted, and spread along the path. Starting out one is completely shocked, the rug being pulled out from under them. We can’t even grasp the ILYBNILWY, and the events of BD. Emotionally we are enveloped in denial. Denial being the normal protective mechanism of one’s mind against such a major impact, trauma, loss, etc.

In time, one’s mind starts to calm and brings items into the fore and one’s consciousness. This is the process of grief. There is a period of sorrow and sadness; and plenty of crying. Then one moves into anger with that item of their situation. Then bargaining, depressions, and eventually acceptance. This process occurs for each facet/item as they are unveiled/revealed.

We all have plenty of stuff stored away in our protective denial which slowly gets reveals as we heal and move forward enough to handle it. So you can see how a person is in several stages of grief simultaneously. One can feel rather accepting of certain things, angry of others, and depressed of yet more. And for a good while, we all have more things waiting in denial for their turn and our attention.

H’s ring, and other events, will trigger emotional responses. Those will shake out another item(s) one needs to attend to. These times feel like a setback. However, it is really moving forward, placing a different/newer item upon one’s radar.

I dont know what to do. I'm trying to keep going, take each day at a time, trying to keep busy and focus on what I want to do but my mind keeps dragging me back. I don't know how to keep moving forward. I read and re read the threads but just feel like I'm play acting. I'm still at work, which gives some structure to the day.

That’s what you do. Take each day, one at a time. Keep busy. Focus upon you and your life.

When your mind drags you back, envision a big red stop sign.

Stop!

You control you. You can arrest your runaway thoughts. And it time, exerting that direct control over your thoughts will have a more significant influence and impact upon your emotional state and feelings. We cannot directly control our feelings, yet we can influence them.

And when you’re good at it, it oddly feels like you can control your feelings. That’s pretty normal for any reinforced and practiced behaviour, one kind of forgets how it works. We’ve offloaded the “work” of it to our subconscious. For example, walking is pretty much an effortless task. Yet when first learning that skill we struggle and fall a lot.

My worst battle is reading worse case scenario into everything.

Yep. All that worry, and fret, and fear. It’s quite the emotional battle.

Yet, you are not weaponless in this battle. You have sword and shield of logic and reason. One wins the battle by not fighting it head-on. Our brightly polished shield deflects emotional attacks from our spouse’s words and behaviours; for we know differently. Our sharp sword of reason cleaves the connection between triggering event and our fear/reactions. We rationalize. We understand. We take up our power and control.

See the victory of this battle not as vanquishing fear or the worst case scenario, rather as accepting them. Worst case often never comes to fruition, it is just one possibility of a grand multitude. And fear is our non-rational reaction to an imagined possibility.

Sword and shield MA.

D

[DnJ]

MA

Its bizarre how he makes whole situations up in his mind when the reality is I'm sat at home broken!

Realize, H has to. He absolutely will make up a narrative that places you in the role of “bad guy”. For he cannot handle being the one at fault. His journey is an emotional one, and it will be bereft of logic and reason.

H will have guilt and shame and regret, all of which he will run from. Blame you for. And so on. It will be bizarre. His journey, his behaviours, his expectations, will be bizarre.

You know this. You see it.

There is no point in trying to correct him, or his viewpoint. That will only lead to fighting. He simply, for the moment, cannot emotionally accept “being” wrong. So he won’t be.

And he will push your buttons to get a rise from you. A reaction from you, he will utilize as proof, as reason for why he is doing what he is. Don’t take the bait.

By the way, even if you don’t react he will make something up. The wedding ring and you seeing other men for example. It’s not true, yet it is to him. He’d fight tooth and nail that the sky is red, and no amount of explaining/arguing will dissuade him.

D

[MA1970]

Thanks DnJ, lots to think about in your posts. The processing occurring at different times with different emotions is an important one. I can see now I'm calm that my earlier angst was temporary after being hit with unexpected information. It's a ring! Just because he took it off doesn't mean he can't put it back on. My reaction was extreme at the time and I definitely need to practice STOP. I do this with clients I work with - Stop, Take a breath, Observe body, thoughts, feelings and emotions and Proceed with more awareness & without judgement. It's the noticing bit beforehand that will help stop me going down a rabbit hole.

Thanks again DnJ and Rockon for quick replies. I needed them today.

[Kind18]

I'm really struggling with my emotions over the past week. I can't stop crying. I've just heard from D, who is out with her dad for dinner & he's taken his wedding ring off. She asked him and he said he thought I'd taken mine off when he saw me on Friday (he stayed with D whilst I went out). He'd commented on how nice I looked & questioned me about who I was out with and where I was going. He then said to D that "your mum was trying to wind me up making out that she was going in town with a man". I'd said no such thing, just that I was going out with a friend. I dont know what to do. I'm trying to keep going, take each day at a time, trying to keep busy and focus on what I want to do but my mind keeps dragging me back. I don't know how to keep moving forward. I read and re read the threads but just feel like I'm play acting. I'm still at work, which gives some structure to the day. My worst battle is reading worse case scenario into everything. Just had a cry to my mum, who said I need patience & time. She said that whatever happens isn't going to happen overnight & when it does, I'll be prepared and ready. Seems like a long way off. Sorry for the emotional rant

1. He has taken his ring off in front of daughter knowing she would tell you. He wants to see how you respond. Wants to double check his backup plan is safe. Don’t take his bait. He sounds like a man child.

2. You’re not going out with another man. He’s accusing you of going out with another man and desperately wants to know more. This is a good thing. He’s worried he might be losing you. I would do NOTHING to stop him thinking this. Nearly every LBS in this situation would message him swearing black and blue they aren’t seeing another man which is the WORST thing you can do. Then he knows he’s free to keep doing what he’s doing.

3. Kids are SMART. Daughter knows this is his choice to separate, not yours. Daughter knows you don’t have another man. Give your kids some credit!

4. Your weight loss is not healthy. Have you seen your doctor about this?

5. I get what you are saying about injuries, sounds like running won’t work. Have you tried a gym membership? Lifting weights will help improve your appetite and calm your emotions.

6. Your Mum sounds like a gem. Keep leaning on her. Have you thought about seeing a psychologist? They might be able to give you some strategies to help manage your day-to-day emotions, like mindfulness.

It’s all going to fine MA, you just can’t see it yet.

[Ready2Change]

He’s accusing you of going out with another man and desperately wants to know more. This is a good thing. He’s worried he might be losing you. I would do NOTHING to stop him thinking this.

This is how you DB. Let him think whatever his imagination comes up with.

[MA1970]

Thanks for the encouragement Kind & R2C. I know I keep mentioning my mum, which is a bit embarrassing at my age but she did say similar. That he was obviously spooked by me going out and getting dressed up & she thought he'd taken the ring off in anger. I haven't responded although the urge was great to message & deny (plus mention him taking his ring off). I rang mum & posted here instead and am so glad I did! Feeling regulated again this morning so will try and eat.

Kind18 - I have a counsellor but they're a very different style to me & I don't feel they fully get it. They are just trying to emphasise why I'm better without him whereas I would like more help with managing my emotions. I think I may look to change to get a better fit.

Thank you vets for the words of encouragement & keeping me on the right track

[MikeP]

Not a vet at this but in my opinion H thinking you are seeing someone else is good. He’s jealous and obviously worried he might lose his backup plan. While I wouldn’t say I am seeing someone, I wouldn’t say I’m not either. I wouldn’t even acknowledge it. Let him stew on it and worry. I also agree that your weight loss is worrisome. I lost roughly 30lbs in a couple of months however, it was with an intentional plan. Fasting, low carb, running, and weight training. Plus I had plenty to lose. Just not eating is unhealthy and will also contribute to making your feelings of depression worse. You need calories and your body needs fat for normal functions such as hormone production. I don’t know a good solution. I remember the loss of appetite due to anxiety. It’s tough. Some hard exercise would help most likely. Is there a facility where you can swim? Go to the gym and work on your upper body while your knee heals. You gotta get moving. I know it’s hard when you just want to curl up in bed and cry. We’ve all been there. Try writing it down and telling your kids you plan on exercising X amount of days. Having a plan and telling people helps hold us accountable. Watch some Youtube videos, I find that helps motivate me. Hang in there, it will get better with time.

[Kind18]

MA,

It’s very normal to have a counsellor that doesn’t really float your boat. That’s okay!

Why not try another one? Most people take a few goes before they find a counsellor they click with.

I haven't responded although the urge was great to message & deny

Great job. That could have been the final nail in the coffin. You have to be impenetrable and just shrug off his manipulation attempts. Cool, calm, collected. Always wait 24 hours before doing or saying anything!

You know what I’d do if I were you? I’d go buy some new clothes (something a bit different and more modern than you’d normally choose), plus a new perfume - and get your hair done.

GAL is a double edged sword - it can make them feel insecure like you’re moving on without them, PLUS you get to feel great about yourself after a long marriage where you have probably prioritised every one else.

MWD says it in her book over and over - build the mystery!

[Ready2Change]

You know what I’d do if I were you? I’d go buy some new clothes (something a bit different and more modern than you’d normally choose), plus a new perfume - and get your hair done.

I completely agree. Get your nails done as well. Some new "Sexy" shoes as well.
Before any of this, start off with a 90 minute massage.

I just bought my lady Victoria Secrets "Very Sexy" Night. It comes in multiple versions. They all had slightly different smells. I also liked the Orchid. All smelled very nice. "guess original perfume" is also one of my favorites. Smell different, be different.

All the rules have changed. You goal now is to be seductive.