Learning the ropes

[DnJ]

Good Morning MA

You are doing fine. It’s very difficult in the beginning as we struggle with our emotions. And yes, some/most days it’s “acting as if”; and then one day you realize you aren’t acting anymore.

Detachment comes about in small steps. In fact, the entire journey is a series of small steps. Consider your latest step - H removing his wedding ring, and his “blaming” of you. This stirs emotions within you. Feelings that you will now process.

One’s journey is multi-faceted, and spread along the path. Starting out one is completely shocked, the rug being pulled out from under them. We can’t even grasp the ILYBNILWY, and the events of BD. Emotionally we are enveloped in denial. Denial being the normal protective mechanism of one’s mind against such a major impact, trauma, loss, etc.

In time, one’s mind starts to calm and brings items into the fore and one’s consciousness. This is the process of grief. There is a period of sorrow and sadness; and plenty of crying. Then one moves into anger with that item of their situation. Then bargaining, depressions, and eventually acceptance. This process occurs for each facet/item as they are unveiled/revealed.

We all have plenty of stuff stored away in our protective denial which slowly gets reveals as we heal and move forward enough to handle it. So you can see how a person is in several stages of grief simultaneously. One can feel rather accepting of certain things, angry of others, and depressed of yet more. And for a good while, we all have more things waiting in denial for their turn and our attention.

H’s ring, and other events, will trigger emotional responses. Those will shake out another item(s) one needs to attend to. These times feel like a setback. However, it is really moving forward, placing a different/newer item upon one’s radar.

I dont know what to do. I'm trying to keep going, take each day at a time, trying to keep busy and focus on what I want to do but my mind keeps dragging me back. I don't know how to keep moving forward. I read and re read the threads but just feel like I'm play acting. I'm still at work, which gives some structure to the day.

That’s what you do. Take each day, one at a time. Keep busy. Focus upon you and your life.

When your mind drags you back, envision a big red stop sign.

Stop!

You control you. You can arrest your runaway thoughts. And it time, exerting that direct control over your thoughts will have a more significant influence and impact upon your emotional state and feelings. We cannot directly control our feelings, yet we can influence them.

And when you’re good at it, it oddly feels like you can control your feelings. That’s pretty normal for any reinforced and practiced behaviour, one kind of forgets how it works. We’ve offloaded the “work” of it to our subconscious. For example, walking is pretty much an effortless task. Yet when first learning that skill we struggle and fall a lot.

My worst battle is reading worse case scenario into everything.

Yep. All that worry, and fret, and fear. It’s quite the emotional battle.

Yet, you are not weaponless in this battle. You have sword and shield of logic and reason. One wins the battle by not fighting it head-on. Our brightly polished shield deflects emotional attacks from our spouse’s words and behaviours; for we know differently. Our sharp sword of reason cleaves the connection between triggering event and our fear/reactions. We rationalize. We understand. We take up our power and control.

See the victory of this battle not as vanquishing fear or the worst case scenario, rather as accepting them. Worst case often never comes to fruition, it is just one possibility of a grand multitude. And fear is our non-rational reaction to an imagined possibility.

Sword and shield MA.

D